Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Hope!

I know that pursuing only makes H retreat, and I had been doing OK on the whole through the month of January for the most part. But the past couple days.........well, they sucked. And I am angry at myself!!

Our C is an interesting guy and sometimes I think he is way off base and other times I think he is Yoda!! He has 30+ years of experience with the department of corrections, so he has worked with serial killers and such! This is his "retirement job" because he wanted to work with families and hopefully help before things before they got to the level of needing to be locked up. His wife of 35 years is always around the office doing odd jobs. She's a tiny little woman and real sweetheart.

C's insight with S17 has been very valuable!! Of course that's understandable because of his extensive work. It's also a big thing I think that H has continued to go to IC. C does not pass moral judgements and feels ethically that it would be totally wrong for him to try to steer a client this way or that way, unless it's a case of abuse of course. He has said that H frustrates the life out of him with his "carrying his own bucket" speech, and I guess he feels OK saying that to me, but to H he will be much more "diplomatic" about what he says on that subject. Remember, H is his IC client, and as such deserves C's impartial attention.

I understand C's position, but sometimes I just wish he would be more open/blunt sometimes about what he really thinks about H's behavior. To me he says that he can't imagine being without his wife of 35 years, and he doesn't understand why H feels the way he does. But, he can't tell a client who to stay married to or leave. He can only tell H what the consequenses are of such choices, and help him decide if he is willing to accept those consequenses. C also says H has never talked about the PA, and C would like to discuss that issue, but H won't do it, and C can't force a client.

So, I will continue to see this C and hope.

[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]

[Babygirl]

Hey anything on your son?? as i said earlier today, you are a great person. its not you sweetie.
get me on the alt if you need to talk i have free ld.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, [[[[[BG]]]]]!!

I think I am going to try to go take a nap (I didn't sleep much last night). But, I will try to call you maybe tomorrow evening or over the weekend.....??

I am just so freakin' drained right now ......I feel like I've been hit by a bus! Stangely, my throat is actually feeling a little better than it was yesterday.

[Babygirl]

hang in there sweetie. get some rest dream well.

[dl443322]

Hey my friend, listen, I know you know that you are not a failure. You are a wonderful, compassionate person and a loving mother. Your son is a little lost right now. You could have been Mother Teresa and it would not have mattered.

Your son is testing the waters of adulthood. He is lost and confused. He is having to grow up and make some decisions regarding his life and it is scary.

He should be your concern right now. Do what you can for him and help him on the journey, but ultimately he is the one who has to figure it out.

S, please, learn from my mistakes. Do not try any sort of physical touch with your h. It is not you, it is him. Do not take it personally, it is all part of the MLC. Most of them feel the same way as your h. If I even touch mine on the shoulder he jumps like its fire.

Whatever. I just try not to go near him. And I know that you cannot understand why your h doesnt just want to try. I feel the same about mine. No amount of talking about it or yelling about it is going to make him be able to.

I know it is hard to take. I know that it hurts like he*l. You just have to trust me on this, stop all pursuing. Stop questioning and do not expect that he will change his mind in C.

You could do this. I know you can. Treat him cordially like a good neighbor. Limit phone calls unless it is about your s. And even then only when it is necessary.

Count to 20 before you contact him, better yet, wait 24 hours. I know you want the connection, but it is better if you let him be.

Come on, you can do it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((BM))))).

I know that everything you say is true. I know it is! I just fell down that ladder again with a huge SPLAT and I'm pretty shell shocked still.

I've had a couple contacts with H today. Once when I called to tell him info I found out, and once when he called me regarding how to pay a bill. Both contacts were calm and cordial.

My biggest concern now is my S. I called him this afternoon on his cell when he was on the bus on the way home. Told him to come straight home. He said he would see me in a half hour. That was 2.5 hours ago. His cell has been turned off. So, I called his friend's cells and tracked him down. He was playing X-Box with friend that went with us to dream house this past weekend. They say they weren't doing drugs.......yea right. This behavior scares the crap out of me. Treatment can't be successful unless S wants it, and he just seems completely cavalier about the whole thing. C said that it is normal that he is reluctant, but........

I'm scared to death!! And I don't have my partner to hold my hand through this. I don't know if I can ever forgive H for abandoning me when I need him most.

S just came in the door....

[dl443322]

I am so sorry you are scared, and I dont blame you. My son is struggling in a different way, but they are still our babies.

You have to be strong for your son. He has to see that you are there for him, that you care, that you will help him in any way that you can. Be consistent and loving, with definite boundaries and take it from there.

Forget about your h right now. He is in lalaland. You do what you need to for your son. Your h is unable to right now. He is in his own crisis.

Try not to get bogged down in your anger with your h. You are giving him too much head space. Worry about you and your son. That's it. Dont worry about h or fixing your marriage right now.

Come on, S. Regroup and concentrate on the task at hand. Stay stong. You and your son are in my prayers.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, BM.....

I'm just spending tonight watching TV with my S. I have knots in my stomach. Did I ever tell you that I have a long history of panic disorder? I am on AD meds, but even with that, I am getting some breakthrough anxiety. But, I have a med for that too, which I rarely take because it's addictive, but I took one tonight.

I am feeling a lot of anger toward H. My mom called crying because she is so "concerned for me". She tells me that I don't need this stuff with S17 now......yea like what's my alternative? Just kick my S to the curb, like H has suggested I should?

I just wish that everyone in RL whould stop telling me "H is done, you need accept it!" I know I need to concentrate on me and my S! I do NOT need the "devils advocate" theory thrown in face all the time!! I know they mean well, but why can't they just be supportive and hug me and tell me I'll be OK and they are there if I need them, and then let me find my way and believe in me!

Geez, enough already!

I really appreciate all of you, my DB friends! Your understanding and unconditional support (as well your brutal honesty when necessary ) is a godsend to me.

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[glamgirl]

SC you need to step back from the fire, you are too close and will get burned.

Boy it took me 1 1/2 years before I figured out how to step back.

First of all, your h can't think of anyone but himself right now. You can't expect him to feel he is throwing the m away and that he is not there for s17. Those thoughts are NOT in his mind.

STOP with the ?'s. You won't like the answers. Step back and focus on you.

Stop have convos with others so they won't say to you, forget about your h he is done.

C's don't have all the answers. Only God knows what is going to happen.

GAL doesn't mean your h WILL come to his senses, what it means is that YOU will be alright regardless.

How can your h reflect on what he is missing or miss you for that matter when you are putting it in his face about the M, family, look what you are doing etc.

Sorry SC, but you must let it go for now.

Remember, it has taken my h many years to get where he is at today. He was like never returning, can't see myself in the M, don't want to take care of anyone, it's all about ME! Now look at him telling me I am missed while he is away in FL. Saying he loves me on the phone.

It took the past year and a half to get there. This is a full time job in itself.

Hang in there and don't believe all that is said. Heck, if that were the case I wouldn't be here typing today.

Stay strong girl, this can be done!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Glam, for your wise advice as per usual.

I am feeling so depressed right now! But, I know I need to dust myself off and let it go!

I'm nervous about this weekend working on the house with everybody, and about next week being in C session with H. I know I have backslid in his eyes and he sees me as weak, but in some ways I don't care, because what I said was the truth from my perspective, and while he may not be able to hear it now, maybe he will later down the road.

It just makes me so very angry that one day H is telling me how very happy he is and that he feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and the next day we are hearing from our son that he has been doing drugs since 12/13 years old, and H plays the calm and "together" man in front of C, and then takes his wife of 25 years outside to ball her out for being childish in showing some emotion and trying to take his hand!!

I know H loves S17. Right now, S17 is the only person in the world H admits to caring about other than himself. I do try to look at this through H's warped perspective, and show unconditional love, but it just seems that every time I get my hands around it, something else comes to light, and I feel like maybe I am being a fool as everybody says and I am just refusing to see that we were never meant to be!

It just seems to me that after all this, H has no reason to look back. S with be 18 in March, and any contact will be between them. There will be no real reason for H to be in touch with me. He'll be on his way.

And our 26th anniversary is Feb 19th, so that is preying on my mind. H told me that that was the day his replacement starts ("a female clone of H") :(.....isn't that ironic.

So, I'm feeling this anger and fear, and there is sort of a feeling of "speak now or forever hold your peace".

I don't feel I can back out of working on the house this weekend, or the session with H next week. What are your thoughts on how I should handle this?

[[[[[[GG]]]]]]