I did not realize that my thread locked but here is a recap of lastnight:
H came over in the afternoon and I was the only one home.
He came in, did not say hello and asked where everyone was, esp. D17 since it was her birthday. I told him that she had texted him and since she did not hear from him, made her own plans.
Then he left about 8:30. I walked him out thinking I would talk to him and he hurried to get in the car and I said, "You know, when the kids text you, it would be really a good idea if you could text them back because if they do not hear from you, they will do their own thing." THen he said he should have......he seemed in a big hurry, and said bye and quickly shut the door.
S18 came home about 8PM and later on, he told me that his dad seemed very strange--defensive and tense is what he said. I explained to S18 what had happened earlier. Then S18 told me to not bring anything up, its not worth it because I had told him how I felt about things.
The general consensus is that he was defensive and very tense and left rather abruptly.
D17 came home after 9PM (friends brought her home) and said her dad texted her and said happy b'day...........
Sometimes I think he really does not give a you know what about me and that he alienates himself from all of us thinking that I will want out of the marriage and it will be a relief for him because he will not have to keep up with the responsibilities (financial) that he currently has.
He sure is anxious to get that tax refund money---I wish I did not have to give it to him.
And why would he want to eventually come back home to live when he is in a bad mood which forces everyone to stay away from him?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
MWG, I cannot believe that you didn't talk to him when you had all those hours alone together but waited til he was leaving!and then didn't get the chance.
I guess you have your reasons.
Given the huge amount of debt he is in I should think he is desperate to get a tax refund.
I have said this before but I would not discuss things with son or take his advice. I know it will be him (son) that brought it up. Your H has to sort out his relationship with his kids and they have to tell him if it bothers them if he replies or not to texts. That is not what you really need to talk to him about. Hope today goes better.
I am not with h when he comes over. He goes outside and I was so mad that there is no way I could have had a productive conversation with him. It would have turned into a shouting match with me doing the shouting and saying things I would have later regretted.
Now, I did attempt to leave him a voice mail late lasnight about things but call it God intervening my phone shut off before I was able to send the message.
When h is here, he is by himself. Who wants to be around or talk to someone who is in a terrible mood to begin with? Not me.
The kids are to the point where they could care less about him or what he does.
The kids were thrown into this from the very beginning because he told the kids that he was having an affair. I would not tell them but he did and then things went downhill from there. My kids have heard and seen much worse then they have it here at home as they have friends who have gone thru things. Nobody is immune to anything.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
H started texting D17 at 9AM this morning saying he will be over on saturday and if she still wants to go to the movies with him they will plan on doing so. she invited him to attend church with her tomorrow night and he said no thanks, he will pass because he feels uncomfortable around people he does not know.
hmmmm................
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Where is he getting the money to go to the movies? I know he wants to do things w/his children, but push come to shove, money needs to spent on things that are needed right now. This isn't the time to borrow from Peter to pay Paul.
I am just very annoyed w/your h and what he's putting his entire family through just because he can't see straight. I do hope things work out, but if I were you, there would be no meals fixed for him this weekend. If he asked, I would say h, I've got to reduce the amount of food I fix in order to stretch my money for the rest of the week for food.
Well, tomorrow is Friday, let's see how things go. Did you notice, he got well very quickly?
One more thing, whenever he thinks he's done something wrong and knows that a talk/confrontation may be in the air, he becomes moody and defensive. I've seen this pattern w/your h quite a bit lately. He knows if he behaves in a certain way, you will not say everything that is on your mind. He knows you entirely too well. Time to do a 180 and just have the talk and if he gets pissed, so be it...maybe he'll go back to the dark closet and take it out on the ow for a change.
D17 received a movie gift card which is how they are going to the movies.
Meals. He very rarely eats over here and I do not go out of my way to cook for him at all. Even if I have food, he almost always says he is not hungry or his stomach is bothering him.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
MWG, I think awhile back someone said something about you getting defensive when facts are pointed out. I just wonder why that is, what are you afraid of really. You v recently cooked him a special meal and countless times you have made our mouths water with food that you are preparing-even Thanksgiving, and Christmas not all that long ago. You say you don't wont to talk to him when he's in a mood? when isn't he. Snodderlys post was bang on he reads you like a book. I would suggest your son does to-learned behaviour. I know you are a stander but what sort of marriage do you actually envisage. You say it doesn,t bother you if he comes or not. How peaceful it is when he's not there. You don't want to talk to him. How can this marriage ever be restored to the level that a true mariage is meant to be. Would you be happy if he just left the OW but didn't actually move home?
You as well as him both have to step up and move out of this "comfort" zone you are both in. This game has gone on far too long. Please take time to review things.
When I cook, and if it is the holidays, it is a family gathering. I do it for all, not single out for whom I am cooking.
No, I am not defensive when someone says something but I know him better than anyone and I know that if I were to talk, it would not be talk, it would be yelling because I cannot talk calmly about this.
Right now, I cannot fix him with words, he is not fixable, at least not by me, and it will take a lot more to fix him for which I do not have control over. Let his conscience be his guide. My son will not put up with BS but H never discusses ow or his life over there with S18.
Thru all of the anger, sometimes you just have to calm down and ask what will it accomplish to do or say certain things. For my h--nothing.
He will get his punishment one day and it will not be from me.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Snodderly is right, your H knew something was up. Please think about talking to him. I hate seeing this go on forever. The man needs to get his head out of his butt and get a job. He needs to stop playing games. I don't want to see you go through this anymore.
You know we love you and are looking at this from a different angle. Take care buddy.
