\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

Hello all,\
I am in a very bad state right now. I am in Amsterdam returning from a tour in Iraq and was told by my wife two days ago that she is leaving me. She has set it up for me to stay in the house with my 12 year old daughter and she is moving to an apartment. I asked her why and she said she needed to be alone and that she didn't love me the same way that she used to. I have been gone for about a year. I asked her if there was someone else, she said no but that she had been recieving a lot of attention lately and enjoyed it and once we are divorced she would seek to be with other men. Wow, that hurt. Told me to man up--very cruel in my mind. I am completely lost. I have not bought the divorce busting books yet but intend to do so very soon. I have been reading this site for a few months now as I was looking to better my marraige when I got home. I think she is not telling the truth and suspect she has cheated on me--man does it hurt bad! I have done all the wrong things in the last few days--begged, pleaded, cried, tried to reason, point out that its going to scar my daughter, etc. She has agreed to marraige counseling when I return but said she didn't have to live there to do so. We have been together for 15 years. This is my first marraige and her second. I have a stepson who is 19 and is leaving on the same day as she is to go to another state. He has been a point of contention for a long time. My wife has told me she will know in the first two days wether she is leaving or not. I really am lost and would appreciate any suggestions and/or thoughts.
John

Me-39
W-39
SS-19
D-12
Bomb dropped 2 Feb 09

[AFWAW]

John

[AFWAW]

Additionally, she has said that all the material
things that I have accumulated and all the time and effort I put into this marriage are basically lost. She feels she has to go. She want to go. She wants to keep the door open for a
reconciliation but doesn'twant to live at our home.

Said she's sorry to hurt but its not the end of the world. Doesn't hate me or dislike me just craving being alone and wants a break from all the responsibilities.

Man the thought of losing my family, my wife, lover and best friend are killing me right now. Hard not to cry. I'm not giving up though and while it feels like she has already moved on I am praying so much it seems like I have my eyes closed more than open lately. Never thought this would happen...

[spellfire]

Ok, first off welcome to the site, and sorry you are here. Most of us know exactly how much this situation sucks.

Before you do anything, please don't panic, don't beg, plead, flip out, send her flowers, call her constantly, or pursue her. Believe me when I tell you, this will only push her further away and confirm for her that she is making the right decision. Try to avoid discussing the relationship for now. I know the timeframe is short until she is leaving, but you wont be able to change her mind in that time, so you only risk doing more harm than good.

Please do get either DB or DR and read them. I read both, DB first and then DR to secure the knowledge, which also gives you a nice step by step plan to follow. Do not tell her you are reading them, or direct her to this site, DBing is for you.

Finally, try to act like the man she decided to be with when you first met, you want to be as attractive to her as possible and make her wonder if maybe she is making the wrong decision.

More info is better, so be sure to bump your thread here with journal entries if need be.

[AFWAW]

Thanks for your response. I've sitting in Amsterdam for seems like forever waiting for my plane. I'm kinda of dazed right now so I will give as much info as I can.
We are both active duty military. She moved to a new unit about a year ago and has made new friends and from what I can tell some pretty good ones. I asked her if they supported her decision and she said not they did not. I have done all the wrong things so far but am going to try and do my best when I get home not to panic, cry, beg, etc. I do not know why that works but is sucks cause it's exactly what I want to do as I've been gone for almost a year and until 3 days ago looking so forward to a happy reunion. I have read on this site where you can't believe everything you hear but it is hard when you only get to see your spouse(we've been chatting on yahoo im/webcam nearly everyday while I was in Iraq) for about 30 minutes a day and you can't really talk about your day. Really confusing to me is that she has been giving me "shows" on the webcam everyday--even the last day I was there and has been planning this the whole time.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs just like any other I guess. She has threatened divorce 5-6 times over the time we have been married and I don't know why she never did it but was thankful. During our seventh year of marraige she went to a military shrink and he told her she was depressed and gave her anti-depressents. They helped a lot--i actually told her I thought those pills saved our marraige--wow, in retrospect there is a lot of things I should not have said--sounds like I am an insensitive jerk. We still had the normal problems up until this point fights, etc. When this deployment came around last year I had already spent 3 months away from home at a school and I had enough and wanted to retire. Found out is was difficult to get a decent job in that area so instead reenlisted and came to Iraq which took me out of the picture for almost a year. In late oct early nov last year, she said she wanted out. I lost it being that I was in Iraq. Sent a hundred emails, called, begged, pleaded, etc. She recanted asked for forgiveness. I said we would work on this when I got home. Everything seemed ok for about a month and then started getting the vibe again, started asking questions and not liking what I was hearing and here I am with her already having an apartment picked out and ready to move out in 5 days after I return from Iraq. Welcome home. I plan to get counseling for us when I return--she has agreed to that and I also plan to get individual counseling for me and my daughter.

I know I have not given her the attention and affection she needs either. That hurts to say as I really do love her and want this to work.

I have asked her over and over again to explain to me why she is doing this and each time I get a little bit different response--she wants to be alone--overwhelmed from all the slack she had to pick up while I've been gone--that makes sense to me but I told her she didn't have to leave to have that as I would take the load when I got home. Another reason is she feels she trapped me into marrying her. We lived together for 6 months and she started feeling immoral about the whole thing--I of course did not want to lose her and she agreed.

It was like a rollercoaster ride for our 1st 7 years. Lots of fights on how to raise my stepson--he was 4 when we met. She felt I was cruel to him? I've made a few mistakes but have always loved him. Had my daughter during the 2nd year of our marriage. I was young and stupid and had said I didn't want anymore kids and maybe we should look into getting an abortion when my wife first found out she was pregnant(she still brings this up to me this day--she brings up a lot of stuff--can't seem to forgive me--maybe a way to justify leaving?--dont know. One of the stupidist, meanest, coldest things I've ever said and I will regret it to the day I die. I love my daughter very much and gave too much attention which my wife has been very quick to point out. She has said that I give my daughter more attention than I gave my son, treated her better, etc--maybe she has a point but I felt I was treating them as individuals. My wife also said it seems like I gave my daughter more attention than I gave her--wow. I suppose at times that is true. She said that if my daughter had not have been born our relationship would have ended years ago. Seems to me like she is trying to justify ending our marraige.

Whew--thats a big emotional blog for me. I am trying to get it together. Still have a couple of hours before I have to get on my flight. Trying to relax but hard. Met a guy during outprocessing in Kuwait and we hung out for a while and he told some similar stuff that this site has. Told me to relax and act like it doesn't bother me--actually made me laugh--first time in a few days. Thanked him and wished him well.

Question for everyone. I don't know what my wife is thinking--some people have suggested that I put a keylogger on her computer--I really want to know what she is thinking but I am afraid to really know I think--hurts not knowing what is going through her mind. Seems like it is different everytime she talks.

This is gonna be a tough year. I was expecting to have sex with my wife when I got home. I suppose that is out the window too. I am going to try and remain cool but will probably have to goto the bathroom a lot to not let her see me breaking down. Got a friend in Iraq that is supporting me too. He went through a similar situation but his wife never actually moved out, just threatened it.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck everyone. I'll find out what's what in about 16 hours. Thanks for any input you can give to my sitch.

John

[FitChik]

John,

Thanks for your service. My H just deployed to Iraq and I am lined up for either Iraq Afghanistan this spring or summer. Deployments are difficult enough w/o having marriage issues also! My H filed for divorce right before deploying...

Even though you may feel panicked, overwhelmed, and incredibly hurt, try your best not to let your W see this. The more upset, hurt, or angry you are will likely push her away. It will be very hard but try to act "as if" (meaning her threats do not upset you). Nothing is final right now.

It is a good sign she is willing to go counseling. Take that as a positive.

Welcome back to garrison!

[song]

John,
Hang in there and take it slow, don't expect it to all be better immediately. You have time on your side, even though she has set a date to leave, you will still be much closer to her, and will have a better chance to DB than when in Iraq.

We're all here for you, use this board as a release if you need to vent, ask questions, or just get perspective. It's helped me a lot.

[AFWAW]

Well, I finally made it home. Dreaded seeing what was going to happen. Actually, it is more scary that I thought. My wife is textbook WAW from the article. She is quiet, resolved, says she doesn't hate me, still loves me just not romantically anymore. Says she hasn't been happy for years and thinks I haven't either. Got mad at me once and said she had dreaded my coming home cause it was like being around an emotional toddler. That hurt but I do tend to get emotional about stuff. I can see where I have in the past put myself or things before my wife--really hurts to see now.
My wife started a r talk last night and said why don't we try a separation and stay married for now and see how it works out? Man, that doesn't sound great to me but I guess there's some hope. She told me my daughter is fine and that I don't need to sit around and mope when she leaves. Seems like my wife has GAL while I've been gone. She has friends, lost weight, working out, etc.--seems happy and confident. She still says that there is no other man just that she wants to see what it's like to live alone for a while. I don't want her to leave. Gonna go get some DB books tomorrow. So scared right now--wish I could go back in time and change so many things. Held it together pretty good last night--didn't cry, didn't plead or beg. Just listened to her and agreed with her on a lot of past issues. She still says she will go to counseling but she honestly doesn't think she wants to be married anymore.

It's like she has moved on with her life and there is nothing I can do about it. Any thoughts or suggestions on this?

John

[FitChik]

I'm sorry it's scary right now. You did a great job listening to her w/o begging/crying. Keep this up! You are already following DB rules. Definitely get DB and start implementing it. Since you're home now, you can GAL and work on improving yourself.

Glad to hear she'll still go to counseling. It is very early on and you have a lot of time. Nothing is final now. We are all here for you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

I was really sorry to read your story. Man, you're off earning a living (not to mention defending our freedom), and your wife is back here misbehaving and sending you -- literally -- a "Dear John" letter. My first thought was "what a b*tch."

(OK, actually that was my SECOND thought, too).

I'd recommend the keylogger, not to know what she's THINKING as much as to know what she's DOING. I'd be highly, HIGHLY surprised if she's not already deeply involved with someone, as she seems to be displaying all of the classic signs. And if this is infidelity, it calls for a slightly different (but overlapping) set of techniques.

I would not advise ML to her, but if you do, please use protection.

I know this sukks. Life has handed you a great big you-know-what sandwich, but it is what it is. All you can do now is fight thru it and work on YOU, and we can help you with that.

Puppy