The good work we did this weekend on our relationship is still holding! Yay!
This morning we had something happen that could have turned into an ugly fight. But instead, it turned into a gateway to better understanding of each other. Hurrah! We both have really had to learn and try harder to achieve this....but it really is beginning to work.
This was a basic one for us: I am upset about something that I need to express to him, but usually his response is to be defensive and offer me reasons why I shouldn't be upset (typical mars/venus thing). But then I would get mad about him not hearing me, then he would get defensive, then I would get madder, then a fight would ensue.
But this morning it went like this...
I was upset about something that I needed to express to him. I expressed it, but in a "too emotional" way. He began to tell me why I shouldn't be upset. At this point, I did not get mad, but just asked him to try again, that he hadn't really heard me, would he please try again to just "hear" me versus listen for the part where he feels he is supposed to "fix" my problem. He agreed, so I spoke again, and got out what I am upset about. This time he really listened, really heard me, and by doing this, he DID "fix" my problem! My problem was that I needed him to HEAR ME. By hearing me, he fixed it.
Yay for us!
It seems so basic, but we've both been struggling with this for a long time. He really did great this morning with this one, and not only did he "fix" my problem of not feeling heard, he also "fixed" the meat and bones of the actual issue I was talking about. He had to yield to me and be more flexible about a house remodel decision in order to do this, and he has been working on yeilding more lately. This morning, it all fell into place the way it should (for a couple who is actively working on this dynamic).
