Exposing at EA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My W came over last night and we talked. One thing is clear: she's a MESS.

Puppy, she did EXACTLY what you said she would. She confessed to a "minor" affair and said that she called and texted this guy a few times after flirting with him once. It's a different guy from the one I suspected, but I do know him as a friend of a friend. We'll see what a "few times" really means once I get the phone bill.

I bet there's more than 50 on there, between calls and TMs.

I did thank her for telling me what she did though.

Very good! That must have been hard.

She broke down sobbing, worse than I've ever seen her cry, a number of times as we talked. I'm talking uncontrollable body-shaking sobbing. Weeping really, like the way someone does when someone they love dies. It really scared me, but I kept my cool and my distance and only comforted her with my words. Which was hard because I wanted to throw my arms around her, but I know that would have been the wrong thing to do.

Again, DAMNED hard to do, and well done. You might have just spoken a verbal "are you okay?" to show some validation and concern, but you were right to not swoop in and hug her. I know some may disagree, but you have to let her FEEL it and OWN it.

She said that there isn't any one man she's interested in and that she just just wants to be free. The whole "running into an open field" thing again. I told her that if she was going to keep in contact with this OM, or if she was going to date any other people, then she and I had nothing to talk about.

Very good context to state your case. You might also want to point out to her (either via a short "truth dart" or the next time it is in context of a similar conversation, which hopefully won't be anytime soon) that "I agree, but how can you be 'free' to make good decisions for yourself if you're encumbered emotionally with a third person?"

Sandi, I don't see this as a threat either. I made it clear that she's free to do whatever she wants. But that I have my own boundaries. And if she's seeing other people then, unless it's an emergency, I don't want to see or hear from her. Maybe this is the wrong tactic for our marriage but it's the right move for ME.

I think it is the best thing for you AND the right tactic to fight for your marriage!!!

She said that she still goes back and forth over whether or not she wants a divorce, but that right now she wants one. I made it clear that what she just told me doesn't change how I feel. I still do not want a divorce and so I will not file. Well, that got her upset. She wants me to gift wrap a divorce for her, to make her feel like what she's doing is OK, and that's just not going to happen. She said that I was "punishing" her for not filing and I said "I understand why you think that, but that's not my intention. I'm not filing because I don't want a divorce, just like you want to file because you want one." She understood after I said that and said that I was doing the right thing.

PERFECTLY struck. Perfect, perfect, perfect. I know it's hard, but the more not only calm, but even LOVING the tone of voice you use can be when you say hard things like this, the better.

What I took away most from our convo is how miserable she is. Her family, and now some of her friends, are telling her that she's making a mistake. She feels very alone, and scared, and is very depressed. She said she's barely keeping it together at work and worries about how long she'll be able to do that.

That's sad. And painful to watch. Which of her friends and family are the biggest influences on her?

She also said that she's doing this so maybe she and I have a chance down the road, maybe 6 or so months from now. Typical WAS stuff.

Gawd, that is SUCH "script." Blcccch! You answered it very well -- when she says that to you ("maybe you'll wait for me" or "maybe we'll have a chance down the road"), she's looking for REASSURANCE from you. It's best to be non-committal and let her know you're slowly moving on. (I'd love Gucci's take on this recent turn of events)

GOOCH???

I told her that I understood how she feels and validated her feelings, but I did not physically comfort her and I kept it together even though I felt like crying right along with her. It's terrible to see someone you love in such torment, regardless of how bad their behavior has been.

I know. Very, VERY few people can pull this off. I know it was hard for you, but you needed to do it, and I admire you for it.

We left it with her saying that she was going to date other people if she wanted, and that therefore she and I have nothing to talk about. So radio silence is in full effect. She also said that she wouldn't do anything that disrespected me and I looked her in the eyes and said, very calmly, "You mean besides dating other people." And that got her crying again. I didn't want to make her cry, but come on. How can you say that you would never do anything to disrespect your husband in one breath and then say you're going to date other people while you're still married in the very next breath? It's like someone took her brain and made scrambled eggs with it.

That's actually a pretty good way to put it. I LOOOOVE how you handled it!

Right now I feel terrible for my W, but I'm proud of myself. She said that she expected me to flip out and start throwing furniture and trashing the place when she confessed her EA. She even said that she was afraid that I would physically hurt her, which is insane. I've never laid a finger on her or any woman. I know that my actual reaction (still waters run deep) totally messed with her head. She kept saying "I don't understand how you're so calm!"

Next time she says that, let her know that you have had a MOMENT OR TWO. That you love her very much, and that this is extremely painful and intensely disappointing for you, but you're determined to get thru it stronger, and to pull your kids thru it as well. SHOW A HINT OF VULNERABILITY, while showing STEELY RESOLVE.

And the nothing but the "steely resolve" part for the next 15 days.

I have to thank you, Puppy (and Sandi and WP as well) for preparing me for this. You guys gave me a heads up that went a long way towards making me feel more in control of my words and actions. If it wasn't for you and DR I know that I would have done all the wrong things last night and come out of that convo feeling like mush. But right now I feel like a rock.

I'm honored that I could help, as others helped me. It's why I'm here -- "pay it forward." While others (mostly AWAWs/FWAWs/WAWs) rail against my cocksure "one-size-fits-all" observations about "affair scripts," they really ARE very predictable, and I personally think we should find that comforting. I honestly don't think I could have made it thru my situation in the summer of 2007 without such peeks around the corner of my upcoming life, and the chance to prayerfully prepare for them emotionally. I would have been a mess.

Puppy