MC sucked today. We touched a few things that showed we are far from being calm or forgiving or even understanding with each other.
H for the first time showed emotion=anger. He said he is fed up with me convincing him about things and he will finally express what he wants and he will not back off a step on anything.
For me the whole issue was stupid because I have been begging him to express what he wants all our common life and now suddenly I am accused for not letting him by "using appropriate arguments and brain washing him". Even he could NOT say I forced him, so I was accused for reacting and acting on things life threw our and way and using my brain...
I got really mad when he said that "he as well was alone, this one year was hard on him as well". When the C tried to tell him it was not the same for both of us, trying to excuse my sensitivity and make see he needs to reassure me about things, he said he doesnt accept that, "we were both responsible". I got really mad and said it' s not the same and I didnt even want to discuss that part. The C clarified that my position with kids, money, being rejected etc is definitely not the same as his, even if he accepted that or not. That he made a decision for himself and forced it on me.
Then we talked about fears. All the fears he writes are the same ONE: I will be brainwashing him and he will end up doing things he doesnt like. Aaaa, also that we will not have a good sexual life and that I will always bring back the separation as subject.
We read through our papers and when she read mine about "not being sure why he came back" she asked saying :"is this really true, isn't him being here a proof why? For you" and asked if I had made that question directly to him. I said I have and he told me 'for me as well",she then turned to him and asked him if he would consider coming back for me if there were no kids. He couldn't answer that. So, she gave him this assignment, to find out if he wanted me enough.
We talked about the other woman as she was one of my fears. The C asked a few questions and he for the first time was not dead set on "its my imagination".
She told us to take the papers with each others fears and write down what each can do to ease the anxieties of the other person.
He said he didnt do anything for our R because a) I blocked him with my email on Sunday, he was mad about that and b) he wasnt sure what to do that would make me happy.
She asked him if he told me he was mad and he said he didnt want to get in a fight. We talked a lot about the email and she said although it was clear I was trying to let him in my way of thinking, it was aggressive and she could see why he felt mad.
He said many little things that made me furious. The C had to intervene a couple of times to make me speak and him to shut up. He is mad now. I dont think I can take that. K
And Forrest, on the way home I was thinking that either there is a big love somewhere beneath all the hurt or that I am a masochist. I cant explain why I am doing this.
