This is different...today...for the first time in all of this...I am feeling anger about my situation...I am looking back over the years and looking at the pain of the recent months...and the pain that I will continue to process in the months ahead...and I realize that I had given her a lot - I had given her much more than we are supposed to say we have when we arrive here as DAMs or LBSs. She took everything I had to offer her - for years - she accepted my money, support, love, gifts, compassion, patience, forgiveness over her affairs...all of it...I am a giving person by nature - I love to give, to offer help to others...I know it's mixed up in my fixer mentality - but it was/is also part of how I offer love...by giving...and I see now that she was and is very willing to take what she can - and she is just not someone that I could ever love in a safe and healthy way.
I don't want her back and don't want my marriage to continue - that much is clear to me - it just pains me, cuts into me so, so deeply that it will have to affect my baby boy. I never wanted to be in this position again - but when I see our history together, when I set aside the DB idea of taking on all the responsibility for now because I should be the one leading the way - I see that she has not been healthy for me since we've first met. That is not to say she is a bad person - or a lesser person than I - I don't see her that way - I think she's an incredible person - but just not someone I should be with anymore...and I hate having to admit that...and I hate having to know that it will affect my baby boy...
Here's something that's not written about much on the board or in the books...when you let go, when you truly let go, it gives you a perspective you may not have had before. For me, I expected to let go and be washed over with love for B - and to find a new kind of patience and resolve to stick it out for her...but that is not what has happened...I let go, felt safe finally, and felt free of her way of defining me through her anger and abuse - and I found that I could not be with her anymore...I know that's not what DBing is supposed to be about -it's supposed to be a method, a process, by which we save our marriages by saving ourselves...but here's the rub...for some of us...saving ourselves...finally mustering the strength and courage to see our pain and to heal that pain and to improve ourselves...for some of us we arrive at the painful, sad conclusion that our partners were not the right people for us...and that's where I am...I love B. I admire her. I know her strengths and I wish the best for her - but I also know that her deep issues make her abusive toward me and toward my S11 - and I cannot have that be a part of my household with my children.
She is on a journey - and I know she's going to learn a lot about herself through this journey - and I hope that the process leads to much happiness for her in the end...but my journey has taken me in a different direction now...and so that is where I am heading...facing every beast of sorrow that waits for me along the way...disarming it, getting stronger, and continuing onward. It frightens me at times - but if I stop moving, that fear will consume me and hold me still in a bewildering maze - so instead I use that fear as a reminder to move on, to continue stepping forward, to push through the darkness, confront the ghosts and goblins that await me...because I know there is a way out...and with every victory over my fears I get closer to that light.
As a father I can understand what that pain must be like Carlos.
The only reassurance I can give, as someone whose father walked away and basically never looked back, is that your sons can grow up to be sooo strong with your influence and guidance. The thing that hurt the most as a child and later as a young man was the feeling of rejection. I remember when I went to a friends 21st birthday party in college and his Dad paid for the awesome party and did shots with him that night. I felt so much jealousy and grief in that moment, for the party, but also for all the things I missed out on growing up. Being there for your boys and teaching them what it means to be a man will give them something that so many men in today's society are lacking. At 32, I am only just starting to figure it out.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
That is an amazing post. Once again you show your courage and your strength. This is another one for you to keep for the ages.
I start to think we should all make a binder with posts worth re-reading. Print them and keep them where we can readily find them when we forget, momentarily, all we have accomplished.
I agree with Spellfire, you are raising boys in a wonderful way that happens far too rarely. Just one more sign of your strength.
Carlos You are an amazing father for your boys. No one will ever doubt you about that. They will have a great role model to look up to. You are so right to take things slow on the R side. Soon enough, you will be ready for the nest step.
V got a good point, I have copied so many notes here and there. I need to print them out to remind myself.
Have a great day, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I received your e-mail the other day and I'm able to get on and post to you finally!
Well, your sitch has taken an interesting turn, my man. It is good for you to see the end of the relationship and move forward w/out bitterness and blame. It is sad, however. I can relate to that.
I am filled w/sadness whenever I see my XW and even communicate with her. It makes me ache that she has chosen to break up our family and I still see the good in her. I tend to look at her and wish she'd snap out of it and see her damage, but I know she won't. My D is hurting over this, so it hurts me as well. Hopefully, my sitch, as yours will lead us both to be able to have relationships w/our X that will provide a stable (or as stable as possible) relationship for our children.
So, I guess you can say that I understand your sadness and I feel it too. Like we've said before, our situations are eerily similar as we've married women w/similar issues, challenges, and ability to deny. We are kindred spirits, my friend.
Finally, congratulations on the new lady friend. I smiled and said "way to go, Carlos" out loud when I read your e-mail. I'm pleased for you and I think it is good.
It hit you out of the blue, which is when the good ones always do, right? They come when you aren't looking. Anyway, enjoy it, but move slowly. As Kalni said, just make sure you are interested w/her for the right reasons. Be careful not to fool yourself into believing your feelings for W are "dead" b/c they may just be in seclusion.
The good news is you will be wiser and stronger in this and any new relationship you have going forward. You are a much different man, Carlos. You are confident and secure of yourself and your place right now. That is not the case of when I first came upon your sitch. Look back and give yourself a pat on the back for what you've accomplished...then keep marching forward.
Always forward. Never backward.
I guess the bad news is you have to be careful, slow, and guarded w/this new lady. It is good you two are talking about your sitch, so she understands where you are coming from. It would be nice to dive in, but that wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.
I am very pleased to read that your attraction to her is much, much different than the attraction you felt for W. That is a relief to me b/c if I've learned anything (which I've probably learned too much it seems), I know in my situation, if it feels good, feels right, and feels familiar right away, I have to sound the bells b/c I may be walking down old, life-established patterns of getting myself into bad relationships in order to "take care of someone" or "fix broken people I can see the good in."
I hope this one feels good, but not in a familiar way, if you know what I mean.
NW, My boys are my priority right now - and I think every day about how to do my best in terms of raising them. Looking at my S11 I know that I can raise a good young man even from a separate home - and so I will do my best to offer the same to my S2.
Rob, Yes, my sitch had taken a surprising turn - and as my friendship with her grows I find myself realizing more and more just how much my attraction to her differs from my attraction to B. While I don't like to compare them, I can't help but have thoughts jump into my head sometimes - and the biggest difference is that there is nothing I would want to change about my new friend - there is no desire to fix or rescue or otherwise influence anything about her...quite the opposite, in fact, as I find myself listening to her in a way I just could not listen to B.
I know that it's important to move forward with caution and not dive in...and so I check myself every day...she, too, checks on me and never hesitates to ask me about my emotions and how I am dealing with all these changes in my life. She hears me cry sometimes, and she listens and she doesn't try to step in and heal me or stop me from feeling what I am going through - in other words, she has a very healthy attitude toward what I have to do to heal myself before moving forward as a complete, whole person.
I appreciate what you said about having to be careful, slow and guarded - and I understand your caveat about feelings for my wife that might be in seclusion (a perfect way to describe it). And here is how I see it - I do still have feelings for her, I love her, and I know that - the big difference is in my response to those feelings - since I now acknowledge them but also remember that I loved someone that was harmful to me and my son - and I cannot do that anymore. I had a breakthrough in terms of my relationships over the years - and finally came to see that, because I was abused as a child, I just continued to look for abusers to love and to be loved by - the problem with that effort is that looking to understand why they abuse me will never help me understand myself...since their abusive habits aren't about me...they're about them...and I have to detach myself from that definition of love (which I carry with me) and rewrite my definition of love - so that I can trust someone that loves me without harm and without anger...that's something completely new for me.
It still saddens me to see my marriage end. It breaks my heart to have my baby boy cries at night - not wanting to leave when his mother arrives to pick him up. And so I will continue to face the reality of my life and do everything within my power and ability to be a good father to my children - and continue to aspire to being a great man.
You will be leading seminars soon. You have come so far and are now coming across as feeling strong and focused on you and your boys.
I think that is an amazing discovery you have made about seeking abusive relationships. By recognizing that, you can break the cycle. That will be good for you and your sons. There must be a wealth to learn from that, too.
As for your new friendship, just keep doing what you are doing, moving forward with your eyes open and focused on you and your boys. I am happy for you that you find that she lets you be and does not try to step in and rescue you. I imagine she can sense you do not want to change her and she must appreciate that.
Glad to hear your voice so strong and determined. V.
Hi Veronica, I went to my men's group last night and talked about that discovery about my cycle of putting myself into relationship with abusive people - two of the men there are T's and one of them was very impressed that to hear that insight. He encouraged me to journal about it to see other relationships in which I have set myself in front of abusive people - and repeated the cycle.
I will keep moving forward with my eyes wide open. Things are still kind of stressful at times in terms of work and having to move at the end of this month, but I'm doing my best to remember that I do still have some control over what I am doing with my life.
I'm glad that you can hear strength and determination in my voice...sometimes I find myself having to step up and remember my own strengths - and hearing that helps.
