I'm really not a newbie here, but it's been awhile since I posted. The reason being that it seemed that things were working. You can read my situation linked below, but, in a nut shell, I got the ILYBNILWY speech about three years ago. We tried to councilors, both of which failed. The first one was just a bad experience, the second was we did nothing to improve our situation.
My wife would ask for divorce and I would ask her to not do it. She would not say anything, but it didn't come up again until...something bad would happen (usually financially) and it would come up again. This happened three times.
Then...
I read DB and started following the steps in that book. We made some progress. Then on November 22nd she told me that she wanted to work it out. She said that we owe it to our children to do everything we could to fix it. She said that she did not want sex right now, but she wanted to act as a married couple in every other way. SHE even suggested that we purchase new wedding bands as a symbolic gesture. At the jewelry store I went to the rest room and when I was rounding the corner she was telling the girl behind the counter the story. She sounded generally excited.
Everything seemed great. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. Everyone noticed the difference in her, me, and even the kids (5 yr old twins)immediately. However, on Thanksgiving her Uncle, whom she was close to, died unexpectedly. That led into a pretty dreary Christmas. Right after Christmas, I was laid off from my job. Right after New Years her grandfather passed away. Then we both started an accelerated program to get out teaching certifications.
On Jan 3rd, she was sitting there staring and I asked her what was wrong and she said "I can't do this anymore."
When we talked about it I was upset, but tried not to say anything I would need to take back or start crying or anything like that. When I would find myself starting to feel it bubble up, I would just say "Okay...I understand."
But she really offered me no reason other than her feelings haven't changed. I told her with everything that had been going on in the past couple of months I didn't think they could. She said she tired of trying, she knows that her feelings will not change, and she doesn't want to even try anymore. She said the kids are her first priority and that it was best for them.
I told her that I disagreed with that, but if it is what she needs to be happy then I can only step aside and let her do it. I didn't want to get into the kids too much, because I don't want to use them to make my case.
However, I do not believe that it is best for the kids because 1)I believe that divorce is never good for kids, even divorces that are necessary. 2)I am not abusive or participate in dangerous activity (drugs, etc.). 3) We consciously chose to start a family, and to do so only to break it apart, is (in my eyes) fleeing the responsibility brought about by that choice.
She said there was nothing we could do. She told me how we could break it down. She told me the lawyer she wants to use and that she will pay for the lawyer if we use the same one. She also told me that though she has said this in the past, she is positive this time and she doesn't want me to have any disillusions.
Yesterday it did not come up at all until she went to bed. I kept up a very positive attitude. When she went to bed she asked me if I had said anything to the kids. I told her no (which is true). She said she thought it was appropriate that we told them together.
That was it.
This morning she was sick. I took care of things around the house and got the kids ready for school. She was going to take them and I offered to so she could rest. She took them anyway, and then sent me a text that said "I appreciate you trying to help me out, and I hope you are doing it because you care and not because you think it will change these circumstances."
I texted back "I do care. I am home right now and I am able to do it."
She said "Ok. Just didn't want you to have any disillusions."
My fear is that either a) she has just completely made up her mind and checked out
or
b) she has backed herself into a corner where she feels that she has to "put up or shut up" so to speak.
Any thoughts, advice, encouragement? Please...
btw-I just picked up TDR and started it. I've read DB, but I'm hoping this one will freshen up some of the ideas from DB.
