Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. But I really did feel good to get that off. I think it helped that H was in good spirit and we had a good conversation afterward.
It was nice to hear him say that he misses his "wife".
I hope you realize that even though you fessed up to there being no OM, that does not mean you shouldn't go about town looking HOT HOT HOT, and creating a great life for yourself... busy with friends. And also, that it's OKAY to talk to other men.
When my H had filed for D and was determined to leave the marriage I let him know I didn't plan to seriously date, or get involved with anyone (I felt that if I'm still legally married, not only is this showing disrespect to the concept of marriage, but any new potential relationships as well. I'm a big believer in dumping baggage and being mentally and available to a relationship... not building a new foundation on weaknesses, but rather using strength to build it... hope that makes sense).
Anywho.... having a busy life (even if I was just dressing up to hang out at the bookstore!), and "trying out" the persona of a "hottie flirt" (of course I'd never give encourage anyone beyond conversation, and I'd only be out on an errand or with groups of female friends) allowed my husband to experience the feeling of losing a beautiful, outgoing, and sexy wife (not the boring soccer mom he had been used to!).
This helped me realize I was attractive to others, would be able to meet people and eventually, possibly, date again if the divorce went through. It also helped me rebuild some self-esteem after OW. I felt I was able to do without needing to pretend, or lie, or do something that would make me feel morally uncomfortable.
For example when talking with my husband (while wearing more attractive clothes then the typical soccer mom, perfect makeup... hee hee!!!), I'd insist that I didn't plan to date anyone for at least a year after the divorce... if at all!!!... but gosh.... I never realized I was so attractive and there certainly are a lot of nice, lonely guys out there.... hummmm
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
hi Vicky, read your sitch today. When my H said he does not love me anymore and I need to move on (ouch), I said "I have moved on, just because I am not dating is because I chose not to date", "why should I just date someone so you will feel better about your R". H got very quiet.
Keep doing what you are doing. Look great, make yourself less available. I used to think that I had to make opportunities to see H but recently I started no contact with him for the last 2 weeks so I would preserve the love I still had for him. I think it has been harder for him not to hear from me. The more he spends time with OW more chance for them to start love busting.
You are doing great.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Runningoutoftime, I will take you advice and continue to have a busy life, which I do well. I make sure I do keep busy b/c if I'm not then I feel like there are so many chances to get down. I know with my GAL H will think that there still is OM but ah well. I feel comfortable know that I've cleared that up. Funny thing is that in my therapy session yesterday my T started to say that he doesn't agree with my "OM" idea and then I told him that I fessed up to the truth so I take that as God's way of letting me know that I did the right thing.
Hope, thanks for the encouragement. It is so true that I think that now that it has been 5 mths that H is with OW, I do think they are love busting. Hehehehe. He keeps saying "I miss my wife" which I do like hearing. But I think he is trapped b/c she got evicted and has no job. But that's H's mess to figure out and if he does want his wife back he will figure it out. Not my worries. I feel all I can do is sit back and relax until he does, if he does. Will have to see.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I will try to get back to limited contact b/c H and I have been talking almost daily and I want him to miss me even more!!! And, I also want to break this love triangle.
You have a great attitude. You sound like a winner to me (even if your H loses!). Look great, be happy, be a great listener and positive when he's around (like a good friend would be), and he will quickly realize he made the stupidest mistake in his life (which it sounds like he's doing!).
Being stuck with some loser who must resort to finding a confused married guy for a date, then gets evicted and loses her job!!! Yikes!!!! Sounds like a nightmare to me. Just be glad you aren't in his situation.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the words of comfort. I am trying really hard to keep my head up and to do the right thing with DB but it is so hard isn't it? Like today, I kinda feel like I might have made a mistake but who knows anymore, I sent H a text that said I MISS U! It came about even though I was suppose to be doing NC today but I got an email from a co-worker and was speaking to her about my marriage situation. She has been married for several years and have great faith. Anyway her email was a list of three phrases that can enrich every relationship and one was "I miss you". And it goes on to say, "Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengtherend if couples simply and sincerely said to each other I miss you. This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired, and loved." So I texted my H and then I questioned myself maybe I should have, that's pursuing behavior, etc. H did text me back I miss u too. But still, you know. Ah, its all so confusing at times.
And yes, H has his hands full with OW. You know the other day I realized that sometimes we wish for karma to hit our WAS and it has hit mine and I didn't even realize it. H of course picked up someone who could feel his ego since I am the more successful one in our R. OW has no high school diploma, no job, previous child and his, no job, and NOW no where to live. When H left he was staying at his mother place but then when she had no place to live he rented a room for them. Imagine, from H and I having a 3 bedroom house and a rental bldg to him being in a room sharing with strangers. He hates it and although he says that he's there alone, I know that's a big fat lie b/c he is very clean and would not be living under such conditions. It's obvious to the whold family that OW will be the ruin of him if he doesn't stop but he needs to realize this I know. He basis all his actions on the fact that he's doing it for his son, which in a way I do know is true. He said he can't leave his son homeless, which I understand, but he also can't carry this OW weight and have a W too. So the bottom line is that H got way more than he bargained for and now I know he doesn't really know what to do and I really don't think OW will go get a job, but never know. Funny who said when he left was going to enjoy his freedom is now stuck and has no money b/c he decided to play the "knight in shining armor" for OW. But he is and will get sick and tired of it I know. With me he had a woman who was financially independent now he has a woman that other than her food stamps she depends on him for everything. Too funny isn't it. So in a way I need H to see what he's has been sacrificing our marriage for. Hopefully he will, but the future is so uncertain you just never know.
Thanks for the words of comfort. I am trying really hard to keep my head up and to do the right thing with DB but it is so hard isn't it? Like today, I kinda feel like I might have made a mistake but who knows anymore, I sent H a text that said I MISS U! It came about even though I was suppose to be doing NC today but I got an email from a co-worker and was speaking to her about my marriage situation. She has been married for several years and have great faith. Anyway her email was a list of three phrases that can enrich every relationship and one was "I miss you". And it goes on to say, "Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengtherend if couples simply and sincerely said to each other I miss you. This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired, and loved." So I texted my H and then I questioned myself maybe I should have, that's pursuing behavior, etc. H did text me back I miss u too. But still, you know. Ah, its all so confusing at times.
Um, not really, Vicky. Seriously -- it's hard to PULL OFF, but it's not really confusing at all. You knew this was the wrong thing to do, or didn't you??? I think you DID know it was wrong, but you did it anyway, to make yourself feel good.
You set yourself back.
You know what they say about the definition of stupidity, Vicky. If you keep doing that, you WON'T get any different results. DBing is all about doing what works, and throwing out what doesn't.
Self-restraint, dear. And if you need to, COME ON HERE FIRST, and we'll talk you down off the ledge and smack some sense into you!!!
So Puppy, you think I shouldn't have sent the text right? To be honest I sent it b/c it may sound strange but sometimes I think that the universe is sending me a message of what to do and today I wondered if this was a divine message. Yes, I know it sound strange but I do believe things happen for a reason. So with that reasoning I followed and sent the text. But I guess in hindsight it def was total pursuit mode.
I swear between this "OM" thing and now today's text I am really struggling with DB. I know I really need to back off.
