You are going to get lengthy and intelligent replies to your post however that's just probably going to confuse you further.
You need to fully grieve the loss of your marriage - yes - but do you know that truly, that could take a lifetime? You might never fully be "over" it.
Are you supposed to not have friends, not get a life, not enjoy yourself?
To hell with that.
You have walked this walk and you did a damn good job of it. You don't have any reason to feel bad for wanting to live again.
Just be aware of the current state of your heart and mind.
And always keep your cards on the table with the new people you meet.
Take your time and just live.
And stop putting the cart before the horse with all the what if's.
Take life one day at a time and enjoy it for what it brings or you WILL need more meds. And no, you are not destined to be on them for life. You just need to calm down and know that you are a good person who fought a helluva good fight - and survived - and deserves to start living again without feeling guilty about it. You didn't quit, he did.
You taking a look inside definitly places you on that path. There is nothing wrong with taking something that helps. You need to take care of yourself. Trouble sleeping and lack of appetite is no good.
You are going to get lengthy and intelligent replies to your post however that's just probably going to confuse you further.
I don't think that is possible.
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Are you supposed to not have friends, not get a life, not enjoy yourself?
Yes. You know I don't mean that. Having friends is one thing but to drag someone else into my life of hell is another.
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Just be aware of the current state of your heart and mind.
I am. My heart is broken into a million pieces and no amount of super glue will fix it. My mind is just plain f'd up?
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Take your time and just live.
I thought I was taking my time. Maybe I just haven't taken enough time.
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you are a good person who fought a helluva good fight
Well evidentally I didn't fight hard enough.
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You didn't quit, he did.
No, he left to "find" himself. He left because he never had the chance to live the teenage life. I did. By the time I met him I was 19 years old. I had been to the wild parties, dated around, done all the things any teenager does to rebel against their parents. He was 16 and never got to do any of that. We started dating when he was in 11th grade, moved in together 6 months after he graduated, got married when he was 19 and I was 22. We were married almost a year when I got pregnant. When he left he told me it was because he felt he missed out on part of his life.
The thing that really hurts is he lied to me when he left. He said it wasn't for another woman. I found out the truth and he still won't admit it. Maybe it is the guilt, I don't know. How do you think it makes me feel that he left me for someone older that has a face that would make a maggot run and hide?
I know after having the kids I expanded around the middle a lot. He never once complained. I finally decided to do something for myself and I lost 52 pounds. I felt better than I had in a long time. But then....about 6 months after I lost the weight....out the door he went.
The ironic thing about all of is this is the woman he is with now is a couple years older than me but much bigger. I have seen pictures of her. She reminds me of ME a few years ago. Her hair is cut the way I used to wear my hair. She dressed like I did back then (sloppy and frumpy). Even my youngest daughter told me she reminded her of me. The a$$hole even mentioned that to me one day. He said that our youngest told him she reminded her of me. Why would he say that?
I have gone through the house and removed all pictures of him. I can't move forward if I have him looking back at me each day. HE STILL HAS THE FREAKING PICTURES OF US SITTING AROUND HIS APARTMENT. What gives?
You taking a look inside definitly places you on that path. There is nothing wrong with taking something that helps. You need to take care of yourself. Trouble sleeping and lack of appetite is no good.
What path? The path to destruction is all I see right now.
I know there is nothing wrong with taking something that helps but now that I am off the stuff, I can think more clearly.
I never thought of it before but someone mentioned coming back on the boards is what triggered my problem. I don't think it is. I think it is being off the meds and I can finally think straight and I can finally work through all my problems. The meds kept me too calm and kept my mind from letting the emotions out. I was on them for 7 years. That was 7 years of not feeling much of anything.
I think I just opened a can of worms here. I think I may have hit the root of my problem. I am grieving and healing now. I just need to get all the pent up emotions and stuff out. There is no longer any room for it in.
WOW!!! I feel 10 pounds lighter. Please bear with me while I deal with this. Now that I think I know the problem, maybe I can come up with a solution.
The sleeping I can't do anything about. I just don't sleep no matter what.
The eating...I ate a 1/2 a slice of pizza. Does that make you feel better? I just spent the last 2 hours with my brother. He came by to see me and ordered pizza. He made me eat before he would leave.
never thought of it before but someone mentioned coming back on the boards is what triggered my problem. I don't think it is. I think it is being off the meds and I can finally think straight and I can finally work through all my problems. The meds kept me too calm and kept my mind from letting the emotions out. I was on them for 7 years. That was 7 years of not feeling much of anything.
I think I just opened a can of worms here. I think I may have hit the root of my problem. I am grieving and healing now. I just need to get all the pent up emotions and stuff out. There is no longer any room for it in.
Each and everyone I have spoken to today either on here, by email, facebook, messenger or even cell phone...you have been a big help to me. If not for you all, I would have stayed in my funk. Thanks for putting up with my bipolar moment.
I guess I had to figure this out my way. I do listen to what everyone says and appreciate it. This does not mean I am out of the woods, I am far from that. I just have something to work with now.
T2- I know you feel like your life is imploding right now. We all have been/are there at one point or another in that. When I say this, it doesn't mean that I'm trivializing your feelings- far from it. What it DOES mean is that everybody goes through this. The fear is normal. The lack of appetite is normal. The lack of sleep is normal. The crazy feelings- it's all NORMAL.
And yes, it feels like crap.
But you're going to be okay.
Let yourself FEEL everything now. Cry. Scream into a pillow. Go to the local gym and beat the everlovin' stuffings out of a punching bag. (Not to be confused with the local JIM- I am not a punching bag. )
I'm not going to get all long-winded on you (thanks for the subtle 200 lb. sledgehammer blow on the top of the head AmyC ) by quoting a TON of scientific studies that prove that releasing pent up emotions allows the body to flush out all the backed up chemicals that are stored in your system from repressed emotions. But let it all OUT, and I guarantee you will be MUCH better off than you feel you are now.
This is not a road race- take all the time in the world. I actually took sick days ("mental health days"- a lot of them) off of work to stay home and work on me.
Maybe I should cancel out on my activity this evening, and you and I can meet up and talk, yes?
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
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