Which direction do I go?

[25yearsmlc]

Ping,

yes to what AmyC said. I thought I had forgiven h, but in reality I had conceived it, and worked on it, but not quite "delivered it" or given birth to it, or whatever metaphor works for you. It took longer than I thought and some days I thought I was done with it like I was fine, but old stuff would pop up and I'd have to re-do the work. Marianne Williamson is an author (too new agey for some people, but I say whatever works) and she has some exercises in her books about anger and forgiveness that I found helpful. Maybe you'd like them?

IMHO, I don't agree about keeping ow on for now, as it's unfair to her, and will be an obstacle for you and your w to focus on your m, as you'll look over your shoulder every time there's a hurdle to overcome as there are in any Ms. Plus, so far, no OPs have been in this sitch, and I don't know what having OW will do to the sitch but I cannot think it'll increase your chance of a recon. I think it'll sabatage it.

As far as jealousy, does your w even really know about her anyhow? I mean, I DO think you should not be jumping back into anything too fast. But your w isn't demanding anything of you right now. And don't underestimate the ow being able to understand you trying once more with your m, but when we say trying, we mean really trying, and how on earth does OP fit into that definition? If I were OW, frankly, I would want to see a real effort for you to reconcile and see that fail on its' own, without me being a factor, before I'd want to continue on. Maybe that's just me. But it'd make me feel zero guilt and a lot more secure going forward in a R with you. Make sense?

Also, you agreed earlier in your post that you owned some of the m's problems and that fault is shared....so forgiveness will go both ways and both of you will need to look within and forgive yourselves, and the other. As an LBSer, I had to remind myself that even though what h did to me was unfair and wrong, I had to suck it up to some extent. Meaning, I've had enough counselling to know that he "wronged me" (for lack of a better phrase) but in a way, so what? Since I'm not divorcing him for that past stuff what's the point in going over my 'grievance list' even if it's real? , I have to be in and stay in the "now".

Even if I am "right" to be angry or still hurt, it doesn't make me "happy" to be that way. So I have to ask myself a lot, "do I want to be 'right' or happy?"

Also I wonder how much value assigning blame has. I don't think it has any value, except as it relates to learning from our mistakes. Obviously if there had been an OP or some obvious clear transgression (drinking, etc) then the obstacle would need removal and both parties would more or less have to "get that'. In your case, figuring out the issues is important, but b/c DB is solution based and not "my childhood sucked and therefore "x' happened and then my mother died and...."
it's more about what you both now want going forward in life. Now, and from now on...

It is also a lot about forgiveness and re-building trust. That means I can't keep making my h jump thru hoops the rest of his life to "prove" to me his love or to keep "making amends" nor can I hold the sword of Damacles over his head saying "I'll bolt if you make one more mistake..." nor do I have the right to have my way on other issues the rest of our M b/c he screwed up badly and hurt me/the kids.... I really have to remind myself of this often lately! I know that down deep, a part of me feels "owed" so much, that I can get into that frame of mind too easily. I say to myself "hey, if I already "forgave" him for that, what am I doing still expecting to get my way on present day things b/c he has sooo much to make up for....?" That attitude will doom a reconciliation but also reflects the reality that "piecing" is a great opportunity, and I"m truly grateful for it, but it is not a "piece of cake" (pun sort of intended).

But the answers to your questions really are contained in your own words... it's just tough to let go of a new dream, tough to open our hearts again, to trust and forgive, and no one wants to hurt anyone, let alone a good decent human being.

We all wish you happiness and peace in your choices. And I understand why you moved away from the kids. Just didn't have enough history on your sitch. What do you think is best for your kids?
You have lots to think about and got lots of feedback.

Peace-

(( j ))