For not being a strong enough person. For letting my mind take over.
I was at a point in my life where I thought I had it all. I was happy. I thought I was on top of the world. I am off my meds which makes me feel good but now I wonder if it is a good thing. Maybe they were my lifeline. Maybe I'm destined to be on drugs the rest of my life. Who knows.
I had a guy I was seeing which made me happy but lately, I have realized I wasn't happy, I was just content. I didn't have to spend my evenings alone when the kids were at their dad's place. He would come over, we would watch tv and it was nice. Last Wednesday he didn't come over and I stayed home alone. I loved it. Besides, talk about baggage...he carries more than me and right now I don't need that. I need someone stable. Two people going through a rough time only leads to disaster. Before there could be something between him and I we both need to get our lives on the right path first. I don't see that happening.
If I ask myself do I see a future with him...NO. I see a friend with benefits and right now I don't need that because it adds to the stress. Why put more on my plate....it is full enough. He and I have discussed just hanging out and not getting serious because neither of us is looking for a relationship right now. What happens if I decide I want more and he doesn't? I'm right back where I am now. I might as well end this before it gets that far.
Besides, my mother told me when I started seeing this guy it was because my stbx had someone and I didn't. Maybe that is the truth. Maybe I was trying to make him jealous. Who knows? I sure as hell don't know anymore. Why do I want to make him jealous? I don't want him back...or do I?
I'm tired. I don't sleep more than 3 - 4 hours a night. I want to sleep but can't. I have tried taking things to help me sleep but they don't work. They make me jittery. I have lost my appetite (which could be a good thing).
