Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Dammit!!!!

S17 is skipping school again/still!! S17 had arranged with my brother to pick him up from school and drive him to the ferry so he could meet H to go to C. This morning S17 asked if he could drive himself, and was told no.

When my Brother went to pick him up from school, he wasn't there! And when we tried to call his cell phone, the darn thing was here in the apartment (S17 forgot it). So, now we can't call him, and we don't know if he made the ferry or not.

H says if he's not on that ferry then "that's it". He's "giving up". I asked what that means for him, and he said "no more contact or emotional currency given to S17". I asked if that meant he would stop going to C altogether and he said he didn't know and would talk to C about that.

#%$&*@&^(!!!!!!!! I am at the end of my rope with all this!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I think it's official.....I'm a complete failure as a wife and mother. S17 came home at about 2pm. He had skipped school and went "partying" with some friends. They dropped him at the ferry too late, so he took a bus back home.

So, I drove him to the C session today and joined H with him. We spent most of the time in session with all three of us. A lot of revelations.......S17 has not just been expiramenting with drugs. He has been doing them off and on since he was 12 or 13 years old! He says it's just MJ, and alcohol, but has admitted to taking Oxycodone once too. Apparently this is a pain med that has a real following on the street and is considered more powerful than heroin!

S17 says he doesn't think he is addicted, he just can't say no to temptation! C thinks he needs to be assessed and needs to be in treatment (probably out-patient). S17 agreed, but does not show a lot of fear of what he has been doing which is very scary!

C asked him in session how high was he. He said about 20% (i.e. he was "coming down") He thinks the MJ he did with his friends today was "laced with something".

We also learned of some instances in which S17 was involved in some gang related activities which I won't go into here.

While this was coming out, at one point I reached over to take H's hand, and he pulled away. When we took a break half way through the session, H took me outside and told me to not put him on the spot like that again! I told him I wasn't trying to put him on the spot, I was simply looking to give (and receive) some comfort, and of course I start to cry. H told me to "Grow up!" He said this is not about about me, but about S17!! I said I knew that, and walked away from him.

After the break in session I told S17 to give us (H & I) a few minutes with the C (S17 had said he was "full" anyway just before the break). So, I told C what H had said to me outside. C just looked at me and said that H was uncomfortable because that relationship with me is no longer there. H sat in his chair and just looked at me like I was some sort of insect or something, and C just said that it's apparent that we can not parent S17 together anymore, with our "different perspectives", but we do need to be on the same page with S as much as possible.

I agreed that S17 was top priority, but I also said that it needs to be acknowledged that S17 learns, not just from H's direct interaction with him, but from H's behavior throughout our family, and that H needs to understand that! Both C and H just looked at me like I was speaking in some foreign language. H told me I needed to stop being so childish, "like I was last night during our phone conversations". I looked to C for some support or SOMETHING, and he said he "couldn't pass a moral judgement on who someone should stay married to or leave." So, I lost it!

I asked why it was OK that I am the only one in this family that thinks about anyone other than themselves? I asked why was it that everyone just tells me that I have to "get over" the fact that my husband is now "happy" and "feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders" because he gets to go and build a new life with people who think he's so wonderful because they don't know who he is and what he's done! He's told them all that we are in counseling, so they all think he's such a great guy, but the reality is that he is not willing to even talk about our marriage, or his role in the difficulties within our family!

I asked H why he allowed OW to bad-mouth me directly to S17 in front of him and failed to stand up for me, or tell OW that that was inappropriate? I asked him how he thought I felt about his dating co-worker's sister, when co-worker doesn't know about his PA with his secretary because co-worker told the CEO point blank to his face that she would never respect him again when it came out that CEO had PA with subordinate 3 years ago and left his 20+ year wife for the OW.

I also pointed out the fact that he has not "taken on" all the burden of our seperation as he claims. I gave the finances to him and moved into the apartment so he would have to face the consequences of his choices because he was planning to get a place in the city and I knew then he would never do the work that needed to be done. But he missed several bills this month (which I found while covering his a**). And he hasn't done a single thing on the fixing of the house because he is spending all his time in the city! He now just wants to get everything out of there and let them foreclose!!

Through it all, H just sat there and looked at me with that superior look of disdain that gives me such a warm fuzzy! And C said that this was not being productive, and we needed to work on S17. He's right in that S17 is the most important thing. I'm not the one that's been telling S17 that he's worthless and that I'm "done" with him! That's H!

This whole interaction with just H and I and the C took about 10-15 minutes. And in the end, I just felt like a total fool. We spent the rest of the session with S17 and what we needed to do. After the session, H talked a bit to S17 about how he needed to commit to this, etc.....

Before I got into the car, I asked H if he still wanted me at the house on Saturday. He thought about it a minute and then said yes he did, and that others in the family would be there too (his sister and BIL, and neice, and my mom and stepdad). I don't know what to do about that. I'm not in the best of shape emotionally right now, and I'm not sure I can pull off PMA.......

I called my boss and gave him the info on S17, and he told me to take tomorrow off to take care of things as I needed. I feel guilty. I have a good job and I haven't been doing it justice. (Like checking this board while on the job!) Sometimes it feels like a lifeline......

I called H and left a message that I would be able to take care of getting S17 into treatment tomorrow. I know he is extremely busy right now and tomorrow he is meeting with his new boss at the new facility he is taking over. H replied by the following e-mail:

I got your voicemails. I chose not to answer them with a call because I felt it best in our current state of mind. I appreciate that you felt you could take this on and I trust you to take all the right actions. I have invited mom and step-dadfor Saturday and have a call in for Sister and BIL. I will see you at house at 9am with S17. Call me with info on the counseling service info. I may not be able to get back to you before about 9 on Thursday.

I know that in H's mind, this is just the latest piece of proof that we were never meant to be together. Maybe he's right, and I am just a blind idiot. Look at what we've done to our children! I always thought we were involved parents! I was leader of D's girl scout troop (and cookie chair person and association chair person). H coached T-Ball with D and Soccer with S. We were there for Special Ed meetings and always had teachers e-mails and tried to work with them, and advocate for our kids as needed. We were in counseling with D pretty much every Saturday for 5 years!

I just don't get it at all. Virtually everyone I know tells me that H is "done" and I should just accept it and move on. Even C seems frustrated sometimes that I still hope for reconciling my marriage. Can everybody be wrong?

I feel like a complete failure.

[sandycay]

I think I can't say anymore than what we talked about last night. But I do know that you are not a failure... so stop thinking that. I told you about Sat am if you can't pull off PMA use your recent illness as an excuse.

I thought his email sounded nice.

Call me later and let me know what's going on with S.


(((((SC)))))

[Babygirl]

hey sweetie, you are not a failure! you loved above and beyond! you own your part, your H ran away, not you.

hope things go well with your s today. glad you had sandycay last nite to help you get thru. I got her on the alt now too.
hang in there lots of love to you

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[[sandycay]]]]].

Thank you for your support last night. Your view on things is very much appreciated. My post here last night was an effort to get all the turmoil I was feeling out of my head.

I know in my head that I'm not a failure and even if I were, that's not constructive thinking. But, that is how I felt.

And, by the way, your advice to let H handle part of this process with S was good, but I had already left the message with H on his voice mail before I talked to you. So, I want you to know I didn't deliberately blow off your good advice!

I am lucky that my boss gave me today to get things worked out with S. I didn't sleep well last night and I am exhausted. But, I have a lot of phone calls to make.

You thought his e-mail sounded nice? Yes, H wants to be "amicable"......but if he really cared, I think he would not have called me childish for trying to take his hand in session yesterday. I don't think he hates me or anything, but it's becoming clearer to me that he is gradually loosing any care for me that he had.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sunshine [He told me just the other day that no one compared to me sexually. ]

not to hijack, but this is a good thing.

and on you driving to his work??? don't ever do that again. do not call him, unless it's important. just by those comments, I can see that you most likely smothered him during the breakup, and that is why he is so scared of you. you need to detach yourself immediately.

okay SC, sorry about that.

SC, really you didn't do that bad, EXCEPT, for all the begging. you can ask questions, as long as you act as if. but you don't want to sound too interested like your jealous. Also, do not tell him your scared of what he will say, because it will make him afraid to tell you. you just need to be brave and act as if.

I can't believe your C is so dumbfounded. It's just society. I mean before, getting D was a taboo, and now, it's the normal thing to do when your unhappy. everyone tells us, we don't have to live miserable, so leave. It's so funny how many generations have learned, but the next generation does not and has to go thru the same problems only to discover the same answers. what a dumb race we are. lol

so, stop trying to figure out if he's dating, or if/why he won't go to MC or try to make it work. He can't right now. His eyes were opened -SO HE THOUGHT- and he can never go back to how things were before. But what he does not realize is how things COULD be. Things don't have to be the same, and that is why we must be patient and we must ACT. It is not by our words that they choose to return, it is by our actions.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

just finished page 8.,

wow, this is the one that is the backslide. I'm really sorry. you've had something built up in you, and you let it out. NOW, let it be gone for good. Do NOT take this back. Give it to God and let him do the rest.

In regards to saving your M. the world tells us that a M is not worthy to be saved. But GOD created marriage, and HE tells us that it is. You guys were created as one for a reason, and the enemy is trying to destroy it.

I do not want you to hold on to hopes that will only disappoint you and bring you down. I want you to hold onto the hope that God will carry you thru this no matter what happens. You cannot change him, and you cannot make him come back. You can only change you. You need to start loving yourself, and loving your life again, otherwise your H will never come back.

I'm sorry that the C was not supporting you. That is why I am against going to C, and even MC, when in the middle of a sitch. Unless you have someone like Michelle of course.

Now, if you believe that your emotions can handle this weekend, then I say go and act as if as best as you can. If you do not have confidence that you can do that, then do not go. you need to go dark IMHO. dark enough to just be away for awhile unless it's extremely urgent.

you need to work on you right now. Your H is just reacting the best way that he knows how. do not take anything he does personally. he has created a huge wall of sin, and that has altered his being and he cannot give you what you need. He WILL say things that will hurt, but that is not your H saying those things.

(((SC)))

[1hope]

SC, just wanted to stop by and let you know that I am thinking about you. I'd also like to add my 2 cents... you are NOT a failure. Right now, things are not as you would like them, but you are NOT in control, so how have you failed?

You have a great amount of stress on your plate right now, but you need to work at separating your M issues from your S's problems. He probably feels bad about you and H, but he still knows the diff between right and wrong and he has free will to make choices. Don't let him make you feel guilt because of the things he is doing. His choices are not your choices. Plenty of kids grow up with terrible home lives and they do not do drugs. On the other hand, lots of kids with perfect parents chose to go down the drug road.

I know what you were feeling when you reached for H's hand during your counseling session. I want to tell you that when my H was going thru his MLC (? PA, whatever you want to call it) he could not stand to have me touch him. He would react as if I had burned him! This is pretty standard behavior. You were looking for support, he reacted because of how he is feeling.

If you keep pursuing him, he is going to keep retreating.

I say this with all kindness, get out your DB book and re-read. Pretend that you have NOT been married to him for all those years. Pretend he is just a casual friend and treat him like you would if you had no history.

It is one of the hardest things to do, but the results may eventually surprise you.

Take care!

[1hope]

I agree with ST. I have had a couple of horrible counselors during my lifetime.

Unless they are faith based and results oriented, you have no idea what you are going to get.

Yours doesn't sound much interested in helping save the M, imho.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[ST]]]].

Thank you for your continued encouragement and wise advice. Yep, the past couple of days have been challenging to say the least.

It's sort of funny if you look at those horoscopes I posted for H and me a few days ago..... I don't believe in those things, but it's still interesting.

I called H to bring him up to date on the info I have gotten this morning regarding treatment. He was calm and cordial with me and thanked me for taking care of this. I asked him what his plan was for next weeks C sessions, and he said he planned on being there for both. (i.e. his IC, and mine) I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I'm scared.

Today, I am so very exhausted, but at least I'm not crying any more.

I think I do need to go to the house on Saturday. If I don't, that would send a message to H (and more importantly myself and S17!) that I am weak. I have to pick myself up and dust myself off again, and move forward.

I had planned to go do some stuff at the house tonight without H there.....but I am so tired, I am not up for that. I think I will, however, do that tomorrow. It's a good 180 for me and hopefully will get me back up on the higher road. I don't know if H will see this in a positive light that I am doing these things even after meltdown, or if he will see it as pursuing.

But, again, it doesn't really matter what H thinks anymore.......it's about what I think of myself.

Thank you, again, ST for your support! It is very much appreciated!! More than I can say! (and that's saying something for a woman with such a big mouth like mine!!! )