Maybe I should be in piecing part 6?

[Mellenmack]

H4U,
Hey! Well, it sounds like are ahead of the game for the most part!

I don't know what it is about some of us women. We really don't take compliments well. Maybe instead of saying "You're so smart. Thanks for the tip." you could say "Thanks for reminding me" and leave the smart part out. Of course you think she's smart. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have married her. It would sound weird for H to tell me I'm smart. He might tell me "I didn't think about that" or "Thanks for reminding me" but "you're so smart. thanks for the tip."? Never in a million years and I would think it was weird if he did. Maybe just me. And I am certainly not criticizing...I am just saying, to a woman, I think it sounds weird...maybe it's one of those things that men want to hear so they automatically think women want to hear it too??

Dunno.

Good luck!

Melissa

[Hope4us]

VERRRY well-done, H4U!!!

I'm glad that you're calling her on her b.s., and not at ALL surprised that it's working with her. Keep it up!

Puppy

Thanks Pup. It's kind of liberating when you get to a point where you really don't care whether it works or not. Allows you to do the things you NEED to do without fear of what her reaction will be.

[Hope4us]

H4U,
Hey! Well, it sounds like are ahead of the game for the most part!

I don't know what it is about some of us women. We really don't take compliments well. Maybe instead of saying "You're so smart. Thanks for the tip." you could say "Thanks for reminding me" and leave the smart part out. Of course you think she's smart. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have married her. It would sound weird for H to tell me I'm smart. He might tell me "I didn't think about that" or "Thanks for reminding me" but "you're so smart. thanks for the tip."? Never in a million years and I would think it was weird if he did. Maybe just me. And I am certainly not criticizing...I am just saying, to a woman, I think it sounds weird...maybe it's one of those things that men want to hear so they automatically think women want to hear it too??

Dunno.

Good luck!

Melissa

Thanks Mel. I understand what you're saying. This is something that has been an issue for a long time in our marriage. My W is very smart, but for whatever reason, she constantly cuts herself down when it comes to that. She's always making comments about not being smart. When I first found out about her affair, she told me that one of the things that she found attractive in OM was that he made her feel "confident". So in this long process, I've been trying to show her just how smart I KNOW she is. Maybe I over did it with how I said it.

I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but I think my W has always struggled in our marriage because she perceives me as being smarter than her. And I think it bothers her more than she lets on. One of the changes I've made is to not argue with her about things when we're talking. My family loves a good debate. It's how I grew up and I love it. My boys are the same way. But W feels that if there is a debate, I'm attacking her and questioning her intelligence. And I'm sure OM did make her feel confident because he's a frickin dumba**. So I'm sure there was a huge attraction there for her because with him, in her mind, she felt like his equal, even though she's a VERY SMART person. A ton smarter than OM. In my sitch, the addage that waywards affair down is so right on it isn't even funny.

I've been following along on your sitch but I've resisted posting because I'm not sure you'd like the 2x4's I'd give. If you want a betrayed guys opinion of your sitch, let me know and I'll be happy to post to you. It might not be a nice post, but I think I could express what your H is probably going through and why he's being the way he is.

Thanks for the comment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

VERRRY well-done, H4U!!!

I'm glad that you're calling her on her b.s., and not at ALL surprised that it's working with her. Keep it up!

Puppy

Thanks Pup. It's kind of liberating when you get to a point where you really don't care whether it works or not. Allows you to do the things you NEED to do without fear of what her reaction will be.

Man, that is soooooooo true!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,
Hey! Well, it sounds like are ahead of the game for the most part!

I don't know what it is about some of us women. We really don't take compliments well. Maybe instead of saying "You're so smart. Thanks for the tip." you could say "Thanks for reminding me" and leave the smart part out. Of course you think she's smart. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have married her. It would sound weird for H to tell me I'm smart. He might tell me "I didn't think about that" or "Thanks for reminding me" but "you're so smart. thanks for the tip."? Never in a million years and I would think it was weird if he did. Maybe just me. And I am certainly not criticizing...I am just saying, to a woman, I think it sounds weird...maybe it's one of those things that men want to hear so they automatically think women want to hear it too??

Dunno.

Man, you women . . . You tell us you don't want to just be complimented on your LOOKS, but when we do something like compliment you for being smart, you think it's weird???

Sigh . . .

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

H4U, go ahead. 2x4 me. I can take it. I understand that he is finding it hard to trust me. I don't blame him in the least. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Anyway. Go ahead and have a round. I am one of those people who loves 5 million ways to look at things. Ever take an Enneagram personality test? I am a six. To the core.

Ahh, Puppy. I'm sorry we are women. But if we were men, you wouldn't like us so much.

Okay. If she knows or if you have told her or if she has realized she has self esteem problems, telling her she is smart probably comes across as fake. You are trying to build up her esteem (admirable) in an honest fake way. You have excellent intentions. But not every stitch is an opportunity for you to tell her how smart she is. I would be REAL with her. Tell her thank you and that it slipped your mind. That will help her selfesteem because she pointed out something you didn't see. She has to see those things in herself. You can't build her esteem for her.

I really think just be real...and if you have to think to throw her a compliment (bone), then don't. We're women, we can sniff out fakeness (is that a word??) a mile away. Because other women have been treating us fakely (???) since the day we were born. "What gorgeous hair!!" (Geez, doesn't she know that blue is really not her color???) We just want you to be honest and real and to not hesitate.

Same stitch. Change places and she tells you that in the same tone and context. Different?

Fulghum: "Why do you laugh? Change the name and the story is told of you."



Melissa

[Mellenmack]

H4U,
I have one more question. When we talked the other night, H mentioned something. His WHOLE family, except for his brother, who also had an A, I might add, has voiced their opinions in wanting him to work things out/try again. He is angry with them for voicing their opinions. He is angry because he doesn't want them in the middle of it. But he put them there by complaining about it to them!! Just curious about what you might think about that. I wonder if he is mad because deep down, he knows he should listen to them.

Melissa

[SRTTF]

It's kind of liberating when you get to a point where you really don't care whether it works or not. Allows you to do the things you NEED to do without fear of what her reaction will be.

Just a ? for you. Why do you even try if you don't really care either way?

I have read what you posted on Mel's thread and I would love your thoughts on mine if you wouldn't mind.

[fightingirish]

hope...youve got fb mail

[whatdidido]

Just wanted to say that you seem to have a good plan and things are seemingly going well. Your wife is trying to change her behavior, and when you tell her, she knows what is wrong. I'm glad you took our advice. She told you how she felt about the "smart" comment, and you are rethinking it and how to change. YOu guys are COMMUNICATING!!!! She is trying to respect your feelings, and you are trying to respect hers.

The bed comes today I believe. Hope that goes well.

The discussion about the car and letting that lead to more of a discussion sounds good. I really don't think she realizes how important these "other things you need" really are to you. Make her understand. AND....understand where she is coming from....work together. You guys can figure this out. THat's marriage.