Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

My W came over last night and we talked. One thing is clear: she's a MESS.

Puppy, she did EXACTLY what you said she would. She confessed to a "minor" affair and said that she called and texted this guy a few times after flirting with him once. It's a different guy from the one I suspected, but I do know him as a friend of a friend. We'll see what a "few times" really means once I get the phone bill. I did thank her for telling me what she did though.

She broke down sobbing, worse than I've ever seen her cry, a number of times as we talked. I'm talking uncontrollable body-shaking sobbing. Weeping really, like the way someone does when someone they love dies. It really scared me, but I kept my cool and my distance and only comforted her with my words. Which was hard because I wanted to throw my arms around her, but I know that would have been the wrong thing to do.

She said that there isn't any one man she's interested in and that she just just wants to be free. The whole "running into an open field" thing again. I told her that if she was going to keep in contact with this OM, or if she was going to date any other people, then she and I had nothing to talk about.

Sandi, I don't see this as a threat either. I made it clear that she's free to do whatever she wants. But that I have my own boundaries. And if she's seeing other people then, unless it's an emergency, I don't want to see or hear from her. Maybe this is the wrong tactic for our marriage but it's the right move for ME.

She said that she still goes back and forth over whether or not she wants a divorce, but that right now she wants one. I made it clear that what she just told me doesn't change how I feel. I still do not want a divorce and so I will not file. Well, that got her upset. She wants me to gift wrap a divorce for her, to make her feel like what she's doing is OK, and that's just not going to happen. She said that I was "punishing" her for not filing and I said "I understand why you think that, but that's not my intention. I'm not filing because I don't want a divorce, just like you want to file because you want one." She understood after I said that and said that I was doing the right thing.

What I took away most from our convo is how miserable she is. Her family, and now some of her friends, are telling her that she's making a mistake. She feels very alone, and scared, and is very depressed. She said she's barely keeping it together at work and worries about how long she'll be able to do that.

She also said that she's doing this so maybe she and I have a chance down the road, maybe 6 or so months from now. Typical WAS stuff. At least she realizes that chances are that if she does come back to me down the road that there's a very good chance I won't be waiting for her. She said that to me, so I'm glad she sees that I've GAL and that I'm strong enough to move forward with or without her.

I told her that I understood how she feels and validated her feelings, but I did not physically comfort her and I kept it together even though I felt like crying right along with her. It's terrible to see someone you love in such torment, regardless of how bad their behavior has been.

We left it with her saying that she was going to date other people if she wanted, and that therefore she and I have nothing to talk about. So radio silence is in full effect. She also said that she wouldn't do anything that disrespected me and I looked her in the eyes and said, very calmly, "You mean besides dating other people." And that got her crying again. I didn't want to make her cry, but come on. How can you say that you would never do anything to disrespect your husband in one breath and then say you're going to date other people while you're still married in the very next breath? It's like someone took her brain and made scrambled eggs with it.

Right now I feel terrible for my W, but I'm proud of myself. She said that she expected me to flip out and start throwing furniture and trashing the place when she confessed her EA. She even said that she was afraid that I would physically hurt her, which is insane. I've never laid a finger on her or any woman. I know that my actual reaction (still waters run deep) totally messed with her head. She kept saying "I don't understand how you're so calm!"

I have to thank you, Puppy (and Sandi and WP as well) for preparing me for this. You guys gave me a heads up that went a long way towards making me feel more in control of my words and actions. If it wasn't for you and DR I know that I would have done all the wrong things last night and come out of that convo feeling like mush. But right now I feel like a rock.