PM Thread #3

[Can it work]

Hi PM, I'm really sorry to hear you're not doing so well today. I guess we all get those days in one way or another. It's shocking that your H doesn't want to even call his kids. That's a cardinal sin in my book but like you said, it's not within your power to change him. Hopefully, if nothing else changes, he can at least find it in himself to spend more time with them eventually. If he doesn't, they will probably end up resenting him and he's bound to regret that.

I'm no expert on affairs of any kind so I can't offer much in the way of advice or encouragement to you I'm afraid. Most people who have been involved with affairs on this site seem adamant that the novelty will eventually wear off. I know that my W is planning on starting to socialise this weekend again so I can't be sure she won't be with someone else. I'm trying not to dwell on that though. I know it's something I wouldn't even consider right now for myself but then I know that I still love my W as much as ever. She claims she has no love at all for me any more so the rules for her are bound to be different.

Only you can decide when enough is enough and it's time to move on. the one thing that I can promise you is that I'm going to be here for you to listen and give my support as much as I can. So will countless others on the boards I'm sure. You're doing so well so far in being happy with yourself. It's nearly a year now since you separated so I'm in awe of your determination and patience so far. Right now it doesn't seem as though your H is deserving of your love but deep down, the man you married must still be in there. He may well be in a fog as Davidswife says. Another way to say it is that maybe he's still finding his way in life and through a possible MLC. It's good that you're not fighting any more and it's good that he's noticing changes in you. These are definite positives in your sitch. Don't forget that he's going to notice changes in the OW too if he's shacked up with her. It's only natural for people to change a lot when they begin to live in each other's pockets. Bad habits start to make a difference when before they were just an amusing flaw. You and you H were past that stage after being together for 17 years. You'd learned to accept each other's faults and still had love. It will take a long, long time before he can say that about the OW. It'll be incredibly hard work for him to go through all that again.

You mentioned that he gets angry when you detatch. IMO that's a good thing and you should do it more often. Why should you be so nice to him when he's obviously not returning the favour. It means you still have the power to affect him. Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think detatching some more is exactly what you need to do. Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one getting burned."