PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks for the advice CIW. I know very well that I have a LOT to be thankful for, my kids, my family, my friends, my new career. I am healthy and active and am financially secure. I am way ahead of where many people in my position are. And I feel grateful.

I will think about your advice about our history and not abandoning the idea of reconciliation. I am not one to play around with people's affections so if I were to really leave this marriage, I would leave it, no regrets. And if I were to start a new relationship then I would leave my marriage first, and not do what my H did.
So you are right, I am at a turning point. I need to think on it for a few days.

I have not any immediate prospects but men are starting to get a lot friendlier lately. I don't pay them any attention, in fact, I am turned off by the idea. However, my counselling is coming to a head and I am getting nervous. We will have a session together for the first time to talk about our separation. Very difficult, painful and I think I will hear some hurtful things about me. More rejection again. I need to detach more and not let it stop my happiness. I can't let him control my happiness anymore. That's my resolution.

[davidswife]

((((PM))))

Is the joint C session to talk about the logistics of the separation - children, furniture, etc.? It's good that you're prepared to hear some hurtful things - although the things he might say, though hurtful, may not be true. Remember, he is in THE FOG.

You're doing a great job focusing on the positive aspects of your life and spending so much time and energy on your children.

As your journey continues, and you do come to a turning point, you'll be in a position of strength and peace. Make sure your decisions are the fruit of prayer, instrospection and wise counsel. You're strong and in a place where anger isn't affecting you anymore - good for you.

I don't always post, but I check on you daily. Also posted today on CIW's thread. Keeping my eye on both of you!!

Prayers,

dw

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi DW,

Thanks so much for keeping an eye on me. It's really good to know that someone cares. It means so much at these difficult times.

Yes, the session will be on logistics but the counsellor also want to just touch lightly on us. Just lightly. But I know that my H is resistant to couples counselling so the C will have to be very skillful otherwise H would feel set up.

I am loathe to make any major decisions now. I just want to be calm, no roller coasters. That's why even logistics is a headache for me. I just want to concentrate on the people in my life and on my new career. Everything positive and avoid negativity. That's why I am nervous about the session. Anyway, nothing I can do about it so am concentrating on enjoying everyday, one day at a time. That's what I told myself this morning while driving to work.

[Tawnya]

{{{{PM}}}}} Hugs to you as you are going thru all of this, I know even just thinking about the logistics can be painful and it's much easier to just not think about any of it at all..so I hope you find the grace and strength and peace to make it thru it all

Let us know how the session goes and come here to vent or smile or scream or cry if you need to

Tawnya

[PositivelyMommy]

I am not feeling so positive today. I have been on edge today thinking about what my C said. I am nervous about the upcoming session. Haven't scheduled it yet but know it's coming so...Don't like anxiety so am getting short tempered. Don't like myself when I am this way. I need to get a grip. Everything was so good before, when everything was set and I was just enjoying my life but now feel like H and C are dredging up all the muck and I don't like it one bit. Especially since I feel that I can do all the work in the world but cannot change H. I am afraid that I can be very positive about change in myself but is doubtful that he can grow into the man that deserves my love. So I guess I am positive about myself but negative about him. That's what it boils down to. Am in that rut. The reason that I have my doubts about him is that he is still seeing OW, introduced her to his Mom, probably shacking up with her by now and he is still non-existent in our lives during the week. I know for a fact my C has asked H to call the kids during the week but he has not done so. In fact he totally segregates his 'family' life and his 'other - read work and romantic' life.

I just don't see how he would one day eat crow and turn around and come back. I just don't think he is that type of man. He would rather su*k it up, put up with his decision and live miserably rather than admit he made a rash decision by leaving us.

I feel good about myself and am doubting that my M could ever be restored. And this worries me. That's why I am out of sorts. I just can't see how this could work out for us.

I know for sure that he has seen changes in me. Am I just being impatient? Should I just be more calm and wait it out? Or is this going to be it for the rest of our lives? I just don't know what to think anymore. I have DB'd my but* off. I have not seen him bend one iota. I am hoping he is flip-flopping but have not seen it myself. Maybe he is still in a Fog like Davidswife said. I don't know. I tried detaching, he seems angry when I do that. I tried being nice, he seems nice back but not softer, just outwardly nice, if you know what I mean. I tried engaging him more on the kids' lives. He seems to enjoy it while he is here but then no sound of him for a week, it's like they don't exist during the week.

I don't know, we don't have any open hostility but I don't see any hope of reconciliation either. I don't know what to think anymore.

[Can it work]

Hi PM, I'm really sorry to hear you're not doing so well today. I guess we all get those days in one way or another. It's shocking that your H doesn't want to even call his kids. That's a cardinal sin in my book but like you said, it's not within your power to change him. Hopefully, if nothing else changes, he can at least find it in himself to spend more time with them eventually. If he doesn't, they will probably end up resenting him and he's bound to regret that.

I'm no expert on affairs of any kind so I can't offer much in the way of advice or encouragement to you I'm afraid. Most people who have been involved with affairs on this site seem adamant that the novelty will eventually wear off. I know that my W is planning on starting to socialise this weekend again so I can't be sure she won't be with someone else. I'm trying not to dwell on that though. I know it's something I wouldn't even consider right now for myself but then I know that I still love my W as much as ever. She claims she has no love at all for me any more so the rules for her are bound to be different.

Only you can decide when enough is enough and it's time to move on. the one thing that I can promise you is that I'm going to be here for you to listen and give my support as much as I can. So will countless others on the boards I'm sure. You're doing so well so far in being happy with yourself. It's nearly a year now since you separated so I'm in awe of your determination and patience so far. Right now it doesn't seem as though your H is deserving of your love but deep down, the man you married must still be in there. He may well be in a fog as Davidswife says. Another way to say it is that maybe he's still finding his way in life and through a possible MLC. It's good that you're not fighting any more and it's good that he's noticing changes in you. These are definite positives in your sitch. Don't forget that he's going to notice changes in the OW too if he's shacked up with her. It's only natural for people to change a lot when they begin to live in each other's pockets. Bad habits start to make a difference when before they were just an amusing flaw. You and you H were past that stage after being together for 17 years. You'd learned to accept each other's faults and still had love. It will take a long, long time before he can say that about the OW. It'll be incredibly hard work for him to go through all that again.

You mentioned that he gets angry when you detatch. IMO that's a good thing and you should do it more often. Why should you be so nice to him when he's obviously not returning the favour. It means you still have the power to affect him. Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think detatching some more is exactly what you need to do. Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one getting burned."

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks CIW. Regarding your last paragraph. I know that I still have some kind of power over him, I know I have an affect on him, it's good because it means he is not totally indifferent. But he is trying d*mn hard to be indifferent. He is cutting me off from all parts of his life and shutting me out like I am a bad smell. It's so hurtful that I don't know if I can ever forgive. It's so true that women can forgive a lot including infidelity but really it's what happens after exposure that has a bigger effect on women's feelings. His continued hurtful behavior is what is getting me down. I know he is in A but it's everything else that is convincing me that he doesn't care about me anymore. I know men are different. Some men can have a physical relationship with OW and still have feelings with their wife. I think my H is trying so hard to convince himself that he doesn't love me in anyway anymore that he is trying hard to prove it by being extremely distant.

His guilt is making him want to believe that his decision to move out is correct. He needs justification so he casts me in a negative role and exaggerates our problems in his head.

I just don't see how all of this could turn around even if I do 180's, GAL and change the way I handle our communication.

I am not saying that I want to give up. It's just that I cannot see the path ahead of me. I think it would take all of my lucky stars to line up for a recon to happen. It would take 1) for his A to fizzle out 2) for H to realize that what we had was sometimes good and is salvagable 3) for H to realize that he had a part in our M disintegrating 4) for him to own up to his own personal issues 5) for me to forgive him for everything.

I am getting overwhelmed. I know I should take it one step at a time but if I can't see that path to success, I can't walk in that direction. This is taking an enormous amount of faith in that everything will turn out right. Right now, my head is telling me that it won't. My heart is saying, Don't give up just yet.

[hope3343]

Hi PMommy, you are echoing my sentiments also. My H is in the same place. Totally indifferent and almost just putting up with me. When people are in love they wear rose colored glasses so their issues or defects dont matter. Everytime I was trying to talk to H he would say things like "you just want to control me", "I can't talk to you" blah blah blah. It was like he totally took off those glasses and saw all of my character defects without the love.
I finally went No contact a few weeks ago. I have to see him occasionally at meetings but I do not sit next to him, i make no eye contact with him, and leave immediately after the meeting. I did it to preserve what love I had left for him.

It is very discouraging. Now I am getting served with D papers. Pushing pushing pushing. It was like he became involved with this Ow and less than 2 months later he tossed his 21 year marriage out the window. I am still shocked by it.

I am in the same place as you right now. Will keep you in my prayers for peace and serendity.

[Can it work]

Hi PM. I just thought I'd pop in to see if you were doing any better today? I've moved my own thread to WAW now. Figured I didn't really qualify as a newcomer any more and my sitch has definitely developed in the way of my W walking away.

Let us know how you're doing today and I'll pop in this afternoon to drop you a reply.

Keep smiling.

CIW (Kev to my friends.)

[Tawnya]

{{{{PM}}}} You are really echoing how I feel too..it does feel really HOPELESS at times doesn't it and at other times I wonder "what the heck would I take him back FOR" after all of this, could I take him back, why would I want to take him back?? THEN I feel badly for thinking that way..LOL..so it goes around in a big circle..times I love him so much it's ridiculous after everything and other times I'm like "what a jerk, why do I need that?"..

You are not alone and I know we will all come to the right place at the right time and HUGS to you my friend!!

Tawnya