I have repeatedly asked myself this question: Were W to suddenly and miraculously come to her senses, repent of her sins against me and our family and tell me she wants to work on our R, would I take her back?
Certainly in the first year of our separation I would have said yes, with little reservation. Since last summer, however, I have recognized it would just not work unless W showed the right degree of contrition and an earnestness to work hard on the R.
But since this latest conflict over our S's daycare and all the ancillary skirmishes that arose around that, I must now conclude that even if she were to do everything under the sun to make amends, even getting down on her knees and begging me (not that that appeals to me), I know now it would never work. I hate to say it, but there has been far too much damage. I could forgive her and I will/do forgive her, but I can NEVER ever trust her again. It will always be in the back of my mind that she could suddenly have her switch flipped yet again, that she might change her mind about our R yet again. I can't and I won't subject myself to that again.
In a way I do still love her despite all the evil she has done. And were she to decide to want to reconcile, I sadly recognize now it is too late. We might could possibly reconcile to a degree where we might raise our S's together in good faith, and I would want that. And though my heart would want to restore the M too, my mind and my very soul now know that our M is over and will never work again.
I believe this has been the conscious or subconscious intent of the evil she does to me now, to destroy whatever chance there might have been for us to reconcile. Well, if so, she won.
I am now far off the DB reservation, by no longer wanting to save my M. I still don't want a D, but if things have to be the way they are, then I want to get it over with.
