PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

I am not feeling so positive today. I have been on edge today thinking about what my C said. I am nervous about the upcoming session. Haven't scheduled it yet but know it's coming so...Don't like anxiety so am getting short tempered. Don't like myself when I am this way. I need to get a grip. Everything was so good before, when everything was set and I was just enjoying my life but now feel like H and C are dredging up all the muck and I don't like it one bit. Especially since I feel that I can do all the work in the world but cannot change H. I am afraid that I can be very positive about change in myself but is doubtful that he can grow into the man that deserves my love. So I guess I am positive about myself but negative about him. That's what it boils down to. Am in that rut. The reason that I have my doubts about him is that he is still seeing OW, introduced her to his Mom, probably shacking up with her by now and he is still non-existent in our lives during the week. I know for a fact my C has asked H to call the kids during the week but he has not done so. In fact he totally segregates his 'family' life and his 'other - read work and romantic' life.

I just don't see how he would one day eat crow and turn around and come back. I just don't think he is that type of man. He would rather su*k it up, put up with his decision and live miserably rather than admit he made a rash decision by leaving us.

I feel good about myself and am doubting that my M could ever be restored. And this worries me. That's why I am out of sorts. I just can't see how this could work out for us.

I know for sure that he has seen changes in me. Am I just being impatient? Should I just be more calm and wait it out? Or is this going to be it for the rest of our lives? I just don't know what to think anymore. I have DB'd my but* off. I have not seen him bend one iota. I am hoping he is flip-flopping but have not seen it myself. Maybe he is still in a Fog like Davidswife said. I don't know. I tried detaching, he seems angry when I do that. I tried being nice, he seems nice back but not softer, just outwardly nice, if you know what I mean. I tried engaging him more on the kids' lives. He seems to enjoy it while he is here but then no sound of him for a week, it's like they don't exist during the week.

I don't know, we don't have any open hostility but I don't see any hope of reconciliation either. I don't know what to think anymore.