Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I think it's official.....I'm a complete failure as a wife and mother. S17 came home at about 2pm. He had skipped school and went "partying" with some friends. They dropped him at the ferry too late, so he took a bus back home.

So, I drove him to the C session today and joined H with him. We spent most of the time in session with all three of us. A lot of revelations.......S17 has not just been expiramenting with drugs. He has been doing them off and on since he was 12 or 13 years old! He says it's just MJ, and alcohol, but has admitted to taking Oxycodone once too. Apparently this is a pain med that has a real following on the street and is considered more powerful than heroin!

S17 says he doesn't think he is addicted, he just can't say no to temptation! C thinks he needs to be assessed and needs to be in treatment (probably out-patient). S17 agreed, but does not show a lot of fear of what he has been doing which is very scary!

C asked him in session how high was he. He said about 20% (i.e. he was "coming down") He thinks the MJ he did with his friends today was "laced with something".

We also learned of some instances in which S17 was involved in some gang related activities which I won't go into here.

While this was coming out, at one point I reached over to take H's hand, and he pulled away. When we took a break half way through the session, H took me outside and told me to not put him on the spot like that again! I told him I wasn't trying to put him on the spot, I was simply looking to give (and receive) some comfort, and of course I start to cry. H told me to "Grow up!" He said this is not about about me, but about S17!! I said I knew that, and walked away from him.

After the break in session I told S17 to give us (H & I) a few minutes with the C (S17 had said he was "full" anyway just before the break). So, I told C what H had said to me outside. C just looked at me and said that H was uncomfortable because that relationship with me is no longer there. H sat in his chair and just looked at me like I was some sort of insect or something, and C just said that it's apparent that we can not parent S17 together anymore, with our "different perspectives", but we do need to be on the same page with S as much as possible.

I agreed that S17 was top priority, but I also said that it needs to be acknowledged that S17 learns, not just from H's direct interaction with him, but from H's behavior throughout our family, and that H needs to understand that! Both C and H just looked at me like I was speaking in some foreign language. H told me I needed to stop being so childish, "like I was last night during our phone conversations". I looked to C for some support or SOMETHING, and he said he "couldn't pass a moral judgement on who someone should stay married to or leave." So, I lost it!

I asked why it was OK that I am the only one in this family that thinks about anyone other than themselves? I asked why was it that everyone just tells me that I have to "get over" the fact that my husband is now "happy" and "feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders" because he gets to go and build a new life with people who think he's so wonderful because they don't know who he is and what he's done! He's told them all that we are in counseling, so they all think he's such a great guy, but the reality is that he is not willing to even talk about our marriage, or his role in the difficulties within our family!

I asked H why he allowed OW to bad-mouth me directly to S17 in front of him and failed to stand up for me, or tell OW that that was inappropriate? I asked him how he thought I felt about his dating co-worker's sister, when co-worker doesn't know about his PA with his secretary because co-worker told the CEO point blank to his face that she would never respect him again when it came out that CEO had PA with subordinate 3 years ago and left his 20+ year wife for the OW.

I also pointed out the fact that he has not "taken on" all the burden of our seperation as he claims. I gave the finances to him and moved into the apartment so he would have to face the consequences of his choices because he was planning to get a place in the city and I knew then he would never do the work that needed to be done. But he missed several bills this month (which I found while covering his a**). And he hasn't done a single thing on the fixing of the house because he is spending all his time in the city! He now just wants to get everything out of there and let them foreclose!!

Through it all, H just sat there and looked at me with that superior look of disdain that gives me such a warm fuzzy! And C said that this was not being productive, and we needed to work on S17. He's right in that S17 is the most important thing. I'm not the one that's been telling S17 that he's worthless and that I'm "done" with him! That's H!

This whole interaction with just H and I and the C took about 10-15 minutes. And in the end, I just felt like a total fool. We spent the rest of the session with S17 and what we needed to do. After the session, H talked a bit to S17 about how he needed to commit to this, etc.....

Before I got into the car, I asked H if he still wanted me at the house on Saturday. He thought about it a minute and then said yes he did, and that others in the family would be there too (his sister and BIL, and neice, and my mom and stepdad). I don't know what to do about that. I'm not in the best of shape emotionally right now, and I'm not sure I can pull off PMA.......

I called my boss and gave him the info on S17, and he told me to take tomorrow off to take care of things as I needed. I feel guilty. I have a good job and I haven't been doing it justice. (Like checking this board while on the job!) Sometimes it feels like a lifeline......

I called H and left a message that I would be able to take care of getting S17 into treatment tomorrow. I know he is extremely busy right now and tomorrow he is meeting with his new boss at the new facility he is taking over. H replied by the following e-mail:

I got your voicemails. I chose not to answer them with a call because I felt it best in our current state of mind. I appreciate that you felt you could take this on and I trust you to take all the right actions. I have invited mom and step-dadfor Saturday and have a call in for Sister and BIL. I will see you at house at 9am with S17. Call me with info on the counseling service info. I may not be able to get back to you before about 9 on Thursday.

I know that in H's mind, this is just the latest piece of proof that we were never meant to be together. Maybe he's right, and I am just a blind idiot. Look at what we've done to our children! I always thought we were involved parents! I was leader of D's girl scout troop (and cookie chair person and association chair person). H coached T-Ball with D and Soccer with S. We were there for Special Ed meetings and always had teachers e-mails and tried to work with them, and advocate for our kids as needed. We were in counseling with D pretty much every Saturday for 5 years!

I just don't get it at all. Virtually everyone I know tells me that H is "done" and I should just accept it and move on. Even C seems frustrated sometimes that I still hope for reconciling my marriage. Can everybody be wrong?

I feel like a complete failure.