I can't lie I just wish he would call or e-mail and say "I am so sorry I was such a jerk. I have a major problem and I need help for it. I do love you and never stopped loving you. I am coming back to get myself better then once that happens maybe we could work on our marriage." Ok I know I'm dreaming but I can do that can't I?
Boy oh boy do I want that as well.
First you have to detach and that takes a while and then you can re -evaluate if that is REALLY TRULY what you want. If it is , then you can start working towards that. Remember you have no control whatsoever on your Hs situation. Look to your own future first. Everything else will follow.
I do want that more than anything in the world!!!!! I just found out that my H called one of our friends and the friend asked him if he was coming home and H said NOPE!. The friend said ok then I have nothing to say to you and hung up. I also heard tonight that H may have found a job until he gets called back to the RR.
I want to text him and remind him that I am here and still love him so badly but I know that would not be a good thing to do. I can't explain how badly I want to. I am looking at the phone and want to call him so bad. To not hear his voice since before Thanksgiving is killing me.
WHY WON'T GOD ANSWER MY PRAYERS. I HAVE ASKED HIM SO MANY TIMES TO PLEASE STEP IN AND HELP MY H SEE WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG. HELP HIM TO REALIZE THAT HE NEEDS HELP. I AM NOW PRAYING AND CRYING AND SCREAMING AT GOD FOR CHANGE. I WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND NEVER COME OUT. I USED TO BE SO HAPPY. WE USED TO BE SO HAPPY. GOD DA#* IT WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS FELT (H ALWAYS SAID TOO) THAT WE WERE SOUL MATES. WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING, I WANT TO TAKE MY H IN MY ARMS AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND THAT TOGETHER WE CAN GET THROUGH EVERYTHING. OK I WOULD LIKE TO HIT HIM WITH A FEW 2X4'S TOO AND SAY WTF WAKE UP.
I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THE UPCOMING V-DAY. IT WOULD BE 7 YRS FROM THE DAY HE PROPOSED AND MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER. I WAS THINKING ABOUT MAKING A SLIDE SHOW OF PICS TO SHOW HIM OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND ALL THE WONDERFUL TIMES WE HAD. I KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA BUT I DON'T WANT HIM TO FORGET ABOUT ME OR HIS STEP D. IF HE IS SO DA#* HAPPY THEN WHY DOESN'T HE TALK TO EITHER OF US?????? WHY IS GOD LETTING THIS GO ON FOR SO LONG????? WHY WHY WHY WHY..................
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
Have been sick over the last few days. Meet with a union guy from the RR today for lunch. Found out some very interesting things.
1) OW has told ppl that she is frustrated w/ H due to not working and she knows that he is still drinking. **Remember she wants nothing to do with someone that is drinking**
2) H has been seen in town very drunk and looks really bad.
3) Guy at both RR stations still talk about him and how stupid he is being
4) Found out that he is getting unemployment while being laid off but still have gotten no money **the union was able to give me some money to get food**
I just wonder how much longer it will be but it sounds like he is falling fast.
Not feeling well so I will write more tomorrow.
Love to you all
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
I totally hear you on this one: "I can't lie I just wish he would call or e-mail and say "I am so sorry I was such a jerk. I have a major problem and I need help for it. I do love you and never stopped loving you. I am coming back to get myself better then once that happens maybe we could work on our marriage." Ok I know I'm dreaming but I can do that can't I?"
It's what I want too (for you and for me). I guess God has bigger plans for us. I wish I knew what they were. I would be absolutely more than happy to follow any and all orders He gave me. To the letter, if I just knew what they were.
Your H is going to hit rock bottom sooner or later (and it sounds like sooner, honestly). Mine hit bottom almost 4 years ago. I threatened to walk out. He quit. I was tired and exhausted and had the 1st A. I hate saying that. They either have to lose everything or see they are going to lose everything before they come to their senses, and even then, it doesn't always happen.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, too.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
You asked what are the things that I miss about my H
How much we laughed Laying in his arms at night and talking about everthing and nothing. Looking at him and we would both just smile His voice, smile, smell, eyes His wonderful cooking and watching how much he loved doing it All of us playing with our dog Whenever the fire pager would go off we would both jump and be ready with the camera to run where ever it was if it was good. Hearing him tell me he loves me His letters and cards Making love to him His large heart
I could continue on and on. We really did have a wonderful relationship until I pressured for a child and he dug deeper into alcohol. I feel he really did want AA to work but when it didn't he lost all hope, then when the drinking got worse I confronted him on it and he just wanted to run as fast as he could.
I talked to step D's mom (ex-wife) tonight to see if we could get her this weekend. Apparently she is worried about getting put in the middle so she wants to do e-mails and phone call for awhile first. I told her that I certainly understood and was not mad or hurt. That we loved her and wanted her to be comfortable so we will communicate often and when she is ready we will start with day trips then do weekends. She said that she was really scared to tell me that cuz she didn't want me mad. Ex-wife did tell me that about 3 wks ago H and D10 went to a movie but that was it. He only calls every other weekk or so and they don't talk about anything really. That is so sad since he is only 15 mins away from her. It makes me so mad that he is doing this to the girls.
Anyway, I miss the H I married, not the alien that has taken over.
Love and prayers to you all
By the way, do I contact H and ask what he is planning to do about filing or do I just not contact and do my own?
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
I would not ask him a dang thing about the D. If he hasn't done anything it's either because he doesn't have the money (not your problem) or he's having second thoughts (and you don't want to push the issue there either). I'm sure there is something I haven't thought about. I know it is tempting and part of us needs to know, but honestly, as long as you don't have paperwork in your hands, then to me, what you are doing is working. I would let it go. Filing for the D is NOT your problem. HE wants it, let HIM go get it.
Just me. I'm at the same point too, cause I gave him the paperwork that was 1/2 done when I wanted the D. Now he has paperwork that is done the wrong way. But he's not working on it. Sooner or later he'll figure out WHY. Of course, it could just be because his plate is loaded. But that's not what I think. If he was hell-bent he wanted it, i would have been a priority.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
How much we laughed Laying in his arms at night and talking about everthing and nothing. Looking at him and we would both just smile His voice, smile, smell, eyes His wonderful cooking and watching how much he loved doing it All of us playing with our dog Whenever the fire pager would go off we would both jump and be ready with the camera to run where ever it was if it was good. Hearing him tell me he loves me His letters and cards Making love to him His large heart
These are all lovely things but only a few describe your H. I wonder if you are missing the whole concept of being in a partnership. i know you miss your H but I think in time you may find that there are other traits that you dislike more . Not being mean or horrible - you may learn better things about H. I just wonder if that is what I am missing. i do get insanely jealous when i think of OW etc but I do have moments of clarity where i think hmmmmm could it be tat there is better possibilites for me out there, and they dont have to include a spouse . Just a thought
SRTTF, You are so kind to come on my thread and offer support. I feel guilty for whining when you have it so much more difficult. I don't know what I can say to ease your pain, but I will give my own .02
I think you need to take action to take care of you and your D financially. It sounds that your H isn't too worried about it, and I don't think you want him to come back in the state that he is in. I live in MN too, so I know there is such a thing as legal separation and I think you can file for that and would be allowed shild support. Have you looked into a L?
I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you. I am learning that God really doesn't answer our prayers in the timeframe and manner that we want. Please don't give up on him and remember that he wants you to be taken care of and happy. One of my favorite songs to listen to when I am having a hard time is "Call on Jesus" by Nicole Mullen. IDK why but it just speaks to me. Maybe it will call to you as well.
Please take care of yourself and hang in there. God Bless!
SRTTF, sorry that things are not going well. I know you do not want to rock the boat but you need to protect yourself. Your H is in a fog and not your real H, he is not thinking about your needs or how much you need him. He is dual addicted to the drinking and the OW (like my H), you can't save him but only yourself till (if) he finds his way home.
Get legal advice, get financial support. Your H needs to be accountable for his family like it or not.
take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Of course, it could just be because his plate is loaded. But that's not what I think. If he was hell-bent he wanted it, i would have been a priority.