I agree with Sara. A small gesture (nothing too huge/pushy) isn't going to hurt - but the lack of any gesture sends a much bigger and more negative message.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Oh, I thought that the status of their R was that they were separated and planning the steps to D. I didn't realize that had changed.
OT,
I am surprised by now that you did not know I am one screwed up individual. Two years ago when I stared here I swore I would not be here two years from then.. Here I am. I WAS ready to throw in the towel. I was kind of looking forward to move on. It felt so right to give W my ring back. But something happened. Maybe it was the fact that I did finely "detach". Maybe it was the last conversation we had about our marriage that I said some mean things that have been boiling inside me for so long that I had to get out.(I feel bad now having said those things). My wife in these last two years has evolved from my enemy to a woman that was like the "bubble boy" she had this force field around her. And the pressure built up even more when I asked for the separation. That was a strange week. I felt relief that I was moving on but W's bubble just got thicker. Then during the last conversation I heard her say to me. "I Love you, but not intimately". This was the first time in two years that she said the words "I love you" before it was always.. "I don't have those feeling for you anymore" Or the "I love the OM". Even though my words were hurtful during that conversation I think she finely heard me also. She said she did not want a divorce. We last agreed to just continue on the path we are on and see where it takes us. I agreed but insisted that she moves out of son's room. She also agreed to this.(This is supposed to happen this weekend). But like you have been telling me all along to "give her space" since I have she is opening up. She actually called me at her lunch break on her first day of work. She is smiling again. Weird thing last night before bed she said.” I need to go wash my face" Meaning she needed to go remove her makeup before bed. I had not realized that I have also not heard those words in a long time. AND now I am dying to put my ring back on. I know it is in her jewelry box with her ring. I wish she would have left it on top of her dresser where I had left it so I could just put it back on. Watching the movie "fireproof" did not help me move on either. I have not started the "Love dares" yet but I am reading the book. I feel a change coming over me. I feel patience running through me. Not in just my R but in my life in general. I had some problems with my son today after school. He was supposed to be home at a certain time to start his homework before his mom got home and he was not. He left a defiant note questioning me about my request. Instead of my usual. YOU WILL DO THIS I AM YOU FATHER... attitude. I walked over to where he was and talked to him on our walk back. I asked him what I should do. I asked him what we could agree on. And if he did not do this, what should he thinks the repercussions should be. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Thanks Sara and Rob and Saffie, I so want to start back on the path to a new R. I don't want to fix the old Marriage. That one died. Maybe I will start my "Love dares" on V day...
Take care Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Well, that certainly changes everything. If you are currently both in the M together, then of course it is a good idea to pay attention to Valentines day! Except, I'd now go *further* than others suggested. A box of chocolates and a card is nice, sure. But it can be disappointing. A let down. It really isn't very personal. It may not show much concern for *her*.
Make your gift special. It doesn't need to be expensive, but it does need to be about her. Make it show that you really thought about *her*. For instance, my H got me a Russel Stover box of chocolates with a cute attached stuffed animal. OK, I thought, truly, sweet I guess, but kind of a bummer. At first. For, when I opened the box of chocolates, he had replaced all the chocolates with pieces of my very favorite kind of dark chocolate. How amazingly thoughtful and what a great way to make the gift about me.
Another example. Often books and CDs that are gifts are really about the giver -- what the giver likes, what the giver wants to share with others. Contrast this with a present I recently bought SIL. I don't know her that well, but over the summer I was surprised to learn that she was a passionate master gardener. For Christmas I bought her a book that was the correspondence between two English master gardeners who had a lifelong friendship built on their gardening bond. She loved it. Whether or not she ever reads it or likes it, it made her feel special. It was a gift about her.
Hey Doc, Glad to hear that your life is going better. Why wait until Feb. 14th to do the Love Dare? From my understanding, the dares start out small and increase.
As far as the Valentine thing. Why not have a Valentine Dinner for your wife, son, and MIL? It could be something as simple as take out pizza. Get each one of them something small that has meaning to them and a sweet not mushy cards. There will be no pressure on your wife, but she will see what a kind and caring man you are.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Oh, please do something special for your W as your W, not something mundane, not something for her as one of the gang. That would just highlight the problems with emotional and physical intimacy that you are having in your M. Don't be afraid to show that you see *her* and that you love *her*.
Fine, get candy, a card, and pizza for the gang. All nice things no doubt. But don't forget something that says that *she* is special in her uniqueness. Isn't that after all the point of Valentine's day? To show your romantic partner that you are really all bout them?
For once I have to agree with OT. I am giving her "her space" right now. and I will continue this until V-day. I will then continue to give her "space" but also start my "love Dare" Like I said before I no longer want to fix the "Old Marriage" I want to start new. I am looking at this "giving her space" time like when your computer crashes. You need to turn it off and let things settle before you turn it back on. I am reading the lovedare book. even though I am not doing the dares there is alot of information to think about. A few weeks ago I was ready to move on. kind of looking forward to dating agian. I think I have moved on.. and my dating.... will start with my wife..
Doc.
thanks for all of the input. It really helps to see all sides..
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
