Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Hi, Diane,
Sorry I haven't followed up w/my next Perils of Pauline episode-besides being way more busy than I want to be, I'm way tiiirred

That Monday I didn't get much of anything done. Moped, felt like crap. Weather not helping. Compared to you its probably not bad, but we almost broke the record for snowiest January on record. Missed by an inch. Cold & gray outside is prime moping weather. H was pretty worried. The yelling he'd never Ml w/me again is a typical PA answer for knowing he screwed up & didn't fix it in time to keep me from a meltdown & he felt bad/guilty. I think he was just as bummed as I was about the wrecked evening. We had been doing pretty well for awhile.

We talked a long time Mon nite. Again about the lack of signals on his part. I asked him if he said "sure" on Sat. what he expected to happen next if he just continued watching the tube. And the same for Sun nite. (crayon picture: get up, come here, sit, hug, turn TV off)I asked him what he thought when I wore the flannels to bed Sun. He knew I was pissed!! So why didn't he act to save the situation?? He knew he should but didn't know what to do..he did, but wasn't sure..etc etc. So another miserable 24-48 hrs instead of talking right then. Its like role playing in training sessions: "A, B is upset with you, try the strategy we discussed in class." A then says, "B I can see you're upset with me. I'm sorry. I know you wanted...." Except we do them in real life, taking weeks cuz he can't quite get the script down??? So I got a long back rub, lots of cuddling, apologies, and we ml

We talked about whether or not he is really getting into it more now and how 'I don't know' or 'I guess so' isn't a good answer. Lukewarm at best. Uninterested at worst. Talked again about the need for him to share his feelings. During the week & last Sat he worked on the book & read about 40 more pages. He must have really wanted to make up for messing up.

Since we're not going to Mex. till 3/28 I went dog hunting. Checked shelter dogs on line, did a road trip that Tues. Wanted to go back Wed w/H & get one of the dogs I liked, but our world was all snow all day. Places closed early. Thurs we got the dog. The shelter spayed her Fri & we picked her up Sat. & went straight to the vet. She's close to a year old & housebroken except we can't tell when she wants out. She kind of passes by the door then wanders off. (this is 3rd dog in a row that doesn't bark at the door) I take her out on a leash to the rear of the yard so she'll learn to go way back there & we're not stepping on land mines everywhere. It worked w/last dog. So far she gets there about 2/3 of the time. Loves to chase a ball or soft frisbee, but in knee deep snow-more than that-the ball gets lost & sometimes the frisbee slices under...fish it out w/leaf rake....bizarre sight.

Anyway, every couple hours I'm out there jumping around in the snow with this goof. She follows me everywhere. thinks I should be playing 'throw the duck' or something, definitely not cooking or typing LOL Its only 10 today and we got ANOTHER #@$%^&* 8 or so inches of snow, this is light fluffy stuff piling on the heavy stuff that has a crust on top. At least its soft to fall on if I lose my balance chasing the ball, the dog, my tail....the mind I've obviously lost......

Took my truck for oil change Mon & it needs over $1500 in repairs. Springs broke from combination of rust & rubber bumpers drying out & falling off. 9 winters will do that. Only 72K mi. on it & I love it & don't want to trade it in (gaaaa!!!!not car payments, nononono, not that!!!)newer models are not set up like mine, have features I don't want/like. Next to impossible to find a newer used one cuz I want stick shift & 4x4. There is another thing they told me that needs watching & will need a $3-$4K fix when it goes. Damn. If I get a newer one I'll have to worry about keeping it cleaner inside, horse smell,etc. And the car payment curse. Bummer, I really love my truck.

So I'm having fun w/dog, laughing at myself for doing this. Like having a toddler who doesn't nap! This weekend H & I were both whacked & agreed not to ml. Imagine that! Actually talking about it & agreeing! The company that supplied his CPAP is in bozoland. Lasat week we tried to track the result of the test machine from Dec. Said they'd sent results to Dr. & would send again. I called Dr. He'd got the results in Dec & sent them the new setting on Jan 9!! They called today & told H how to change it. Big secret code thing. He should be more comfortable now & leave it on longer. It must work. He's surprised that he isn't napping on weekends.

I think the "I didn't know/think you wanted to ML" is chickening out. It is also a cop out excuse, like the continuing sore back, bad day at work, need to get up early and all the others. Turn downs feel like a slap in the face, but there are nice ways to do it, like, "Honey, I'm very tired. How about if we plan to go to bed early tomorrow ..." Rolling over & falling asleep is the worst cop out of all. Especially if their snoring keeps us awake. Ducking things only make them worse. I know my H believes I want to ML, enjoy it, and want him to also. Fear of rejection is no longer a factor. He can't play the "You don't really want to, you're just saying that" game.

Dog is thin. We named her Bones.
Jayce