My goal is to have what happens in the movies!!! He will read the letter and want me ... to have and to hold ... forever and ever ... he will put 2+2 together and realize what he has always had.
I want a connection; I want romance; I want him to know that he can still have friends even though we can have a relationship. I don't just want this to continue--'hi, how are ya bud' relationship!
I'm afraid someone else will step in and beat me to the punch...some sexy model-type with a lot of money and drives a mercedes convertible. (I work at a home improvement center, I've gained 15 lbs. over this stress, and I never finished my masters in architecture, I'm an underachiever ... but I love A)
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WORDS TO WRITE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO TO STEP UP THE SPEED JUST A LITTLE BIT. I'M AFRAID OF THE WORST ALL THE TIME.
What would you say to him, if you were me? I don't know anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to check my cellphone.
Hi (me again) I don't understand what you mean by 'intensity'? Intensity in a bad way or a good way?
I'm trying to write a non-threatening, short letter that says I want more than talking on the phone every 2-3 weeks or a visit at the store every once in awhile. I don't want a buddy. I want an intimate relationship with the man that I love. I want him to see that having a LOVING relationship with me does not mean that he has to give up his sense of self and his identity. I want to do the things with him that all his 'friends' are doing with him--shows, vacations, dinner.
Does he really believe that we have nothing in common?
What I am trying to show him that I am flexible! I am trying to show him that I respect his life with his friends. I am trying to say that he doesn't have to give up his life in order to have a loving, hopefully intimate, relationship with me!!!
I AM HOLDING ON TO A THREAD AT THIS POINT, LAURIE. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN DO TO JUMP START THIS RELATIONSHIP TOWARD INTIMACY ONCE AGAIN!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Feeling somewhat better today. I cried to many tears the last few weeks. I've been feeling deeply depressed this past week. These past few weeks have been a terrible ride. The anticipated call did not happen today. The only thing that seems to help me is working.
I've been getting down on myself. I don't even feel that good enough for A to come home to. I feel fat and ugly. I want to feel better about myself in this way.
I'm having trouble with these emotions of mine. I need some kind of reassurance, but nothing seems to keep me feeling assured for too long.
What I believe in 'now' more than ever is 'actions speak louder than words', but how do I ‘show’ you that having a relationship with me does not mean 'all or nothing'.
What I prefer to do is to enjoy your company--laugh, have fun, experience, encourage ... whatever ...
Quite frankly, A, I miss your companionship ... I simply 'like' you. You're a good guy--funny, talented, and thoughtful. What's more, I think you might find comfort and joy in my company, too, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find our strength and inspiration independently. It isn't ‘all or nothing’. Understand?
I don't feel like I'm busting anything. I feel like I've been busted! I don't know how much longer I can hang on because I need a lot more in order to stay positive and FEEL positive.
There aren't any psyciatrists that support my mission. There are very few people that support what I believe. Every once in a while, the one person I hope to encourage me would rather I give up. My one friend has distanced a little from me, and his patience has waned. My church feels sorry for me.
This is the worst I've felt in a very long time. There has to be something else I can do so I can feel better while I go through this process.
I can only work so much. My stress level is unbelievable. My body aches, I could sleep forever, and I'm having trouble losing the weight I've gained over the past two years. I feel like a huge blob. I hate myself, and I hate my life.
I wish I never married A because maybe I would have never felt this pain. Meanwhile, he is happy, and I am miserable. I wish I never met him.
My dreams are even awful. It is very rare that I dream good things about A and me. Most of the time, I am feeling ugly in my dreams and A is ignoring me. In my dreams, he doesn't give me the time of day. In my dreams, he is beautiful and I'm ugly; his life is great and mine is struggling. That is how I feel when I'm awake, too.
Dear JJ, This is only a hypothetical example of putting the "fun" back into the authentically fun JJ! Obviously, I don't know what best lighthearted suggestion to meet would really work the best, but I think you get where I am going with this. What are your thoughts?
Question: When do get to nag you about meeting with Karen?
Dear A, Many times I have thought how I admire what a hard worker you are and what a great job you've done with the work you've put into your condo - it's really beautiful. You've such a good job!
And you know what? I also really appreciate how funny, talented, and thoughtful you are. You are just a really good guy and I just like being around you. And I know we both really enjoy our lives right now and the friends we have. It would just be fun to catch like a Monday lunch with you to get caught up and laugh a lot! Who knows, I might even buy!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Dear Kassie, First, I am impressed that you have tried different responses - that is great that you are willing to experiment to see what works - and what doesn't. Second, I am impressed with your H who wanted to break the cycle as well. You both get kudos!!
Let me share an idea - I'd encourage a brainstorming session between both of you (since it sounds as if you both want to stop this). List things you could do when it comes up again to stop this. This may include things you've already tried, but allow new ideas - crazy ideas even - to be part of your brainstorming list. Don't critique or assess these ideas, but have fun putting a lot of ideas down. (Some great ideas come out of unique suggestions and helps with creative solutions.)
Then, go back to your list and discuss the pros and cons of each suggestion. Then, agree to try one for a week. When the week is up, get together to talk about if it worked or didn't. If it didn't, why didn't it? And if it did work, plan on getting more consistent with the helpful change, by affirming each other when the other has helped stop it, divert it, apologize for it, etc...
This would be my first suggestion for you to attempt. In Michele's book, she tells the story how a couple argued constantly and could not seem to stop. They needed a new way to break the cycle and after brainstorming, decided that as one argued or yelled, they would take one piece of clothing off. This first meant they probably couldn't argue in public (hopefully), so there were less places they could argue. And when they did, they could not finish their argument, as they were in their 50's and the disrobing was rather humorous and tended to take a bit of intensity out.
Kassie, I hope this gives you something to ponder to move through this cycle!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Dear Poet, Thanks for sharing your situation. This was your question:
Quote:
My question is: if he really wants to do this, why is he breaking meetings and dragging his feet?
You and I don't really know exactly why he is breaking the meetings, right? There could be a number of reasons, one of which, could be him rethinking the D decision.
What is more important is to know what YOU want with this M at this point. If you do not want this D, then your H dragging his feet is better than if he is aggressively pushing it through, right? This could give you time to continue to DB and give him more time to ponder and possibly second-guess what he really wants.
So before I go too far Poet, what is your goal for the R?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thank you so much for answering. I happen to be here but I am not often on the puter during the day. I want the M back, but truthfully, I am almost - or very - hopeless at this point. I have not talked to him in almost two weeks, but it's only been once a week for the past five months. I have been looking for another job, closer to home, to no avail. I am going to therapy for PTSD. This is helping me, to some degree. I am not posting much. I have resurrected my Sex-starved marriage thread but I don't post to newcomers much at all anymore. (That may change) One never knows the future.
Thank you so much for your answer. I wish I could write more. Maybe tonight,after 10, I can give you a little more detail. But, I do love my H. I just am beginning to believe he does not, and never has loved me. I would love to have a new relationship/marriage with him, but there would have to be changes ON BOTH parts, not just mine.
Hi ... so good to talk to you today ... you calm my mind . . .
I like your version of the letter, but a little risky. Maybe that would definitely be a 180, but I'm afraid of the outcome. It's a little scarey. I'm afraid it is taking too much control away from him. The Monday thing is scarey ... yikes! I do like the informality of the letter. I forget that he's not a VP Executive.
Dear A,
You know how much I admire what a hard worker you are. You certainly stay true to form with the great job you have done with all the work in your condo--it's really beautiful!
You know what else? Not only are you talented, but also I appreciate how funny and thoughtful you are...you're a good guy!...I like being around you.
Even though, I know we both really enjoy our lives right now and the friends we have, I think it would be fun to grab a lunch or dinner with you to get caught up and just laugh a lot! Who knows, I might even buy ... but only if you pick the place!
I'm not too sure yet...maybe soon. All I know is that when it happens, I want to know that I know that I know that I feel as wonderful as my face tries to show that I am.
WW meeting tomorrow night. I'm going to make a weight loss chart.
Laurie ... Big Hug!!! PS I'm praying for 'all' your friends, too. xxoo
