Do Something DIFFERENT

[Laurie]

Dear Kassie,
First, I am impressed that you have tried different responses - that is great that you are willing to experiment to see what works - and what doesn't. Second, I am impressed with your H who wanted to break the cycle as well. You both get kudos!!

Let me share an idea - I'd encourage a brainstorming session between both of you (since it sounds as if you both want to stop this). List things you could do when it comes up again to stop this. This may include things you've already tried, but allow new ideas - crazy ideas even - to be part of your brainstorming list. Don't critique or assess these ideas, but have fun putting a lot of ideas down. (Some great ideas come out of unique suggestions and helps with creative solutions.)

Then, go back to your list and discuss the pros and cons of each suggestion. Then, agree to try one for a week. When the week is up, get together to talk about if it worked or didn't. If it didn't, why didn't it? And if it did work, plan on getting more consistent with the helpful change, by affirming each other when the other has helped stop it, divert it, apologize for it, etc...

This would be my first suggestion for you to attempt. In Michele's book, she tells the story how a couple argued constantly and could not seem to stop. They needed a new way to break the cycle and after brainstorming, decided that as one argued or yelled, they would take one piece of clothing off. This first meant they probably couldn't argue in public (hopefully), so there were less places they could argue. And when they did, they could not finish their argument, as they were in their 50's and the disrobing was rather humorous and tended to take a bit of intensity out.

Kassie, I hope this gives you something to ponder to move through this cycle!