OMG don't underestimate the impact this has on girls.
I'm out the door right now so I'll be brief. D19 was 16 when H left for 2 years; HER junior and senior year in HS and she cried and asked him not to go and he said "But the dream job will pay so much and we'll all be happy blah blah blah" like a bigger 401k would make HER happier... I cannot say she was hard for me, in fact when he left we got very close. I also have a d11 (then 8) and a s22 who was mostly out of the house at college.
So here h and I are together, a "happy ending" story and still M. It's a few years later. But when d19 left for study abroad last month, the night before she left she told me a lot of things that she feels and revealed how damaged she is though she seems to have it "all together".... for one, she does not think she'll EVER GET MARRIED, and does not know how she feels about the whole idea of a monogamous M, etc. Also she is confronting other issues (religious faith and she has always been an "old soul" more religious than the other kids and more kind and spiritual) so she is really confronting a lot. She admits she was deeply hurt by her dad's choice "to not be part of my life" although h does NOT see it that way.
She's an actress and I read a scene she wrote. It discusses the selfishness of men in general and why a woman would say "no" to a m proposal. It broke my heart to read. Yes, it made me mad at H all over again which is super NON-productive...but still, real. I have to show her the good sides of H and men in general. I like men. But then, maybe I showed too much anger when h left? I hope not. God knows I worked hard as h--- not to show it in front of the kids. I once said "h is confused but he loves you..." and d19 (then 17) said "I don't think dad is confused, I think he's just selfish..." OUCH!!
I pray that in time their R will heal. I am confused as to what to tell h, since I don't want to break her confidence AND don't want to hurt h unecessarily since it makes him defensive and is it really helpful? I just want to do something constructive here. I want him to know the "urgency" of the matter without getting him defensive or angry. A fine line to walk...
Yes the kids (girls especially I think, since they are noticing boys more at this age) notice the WAS actions (and ours) we have to recall that all WE can do, is model for them what a woman (LBSer) does in the face of deep wounds of betrayal. We must model that though our pain is deep and real for us, it also is NOT permanent and it is not fatal. We will heal and laugh and love again. We can start now. And the biggest thing for us to do, the only thing we can do, is to teach them how to forgive. We do this, by modelling it ourselves.
Hence my signature. I want to somehow get thru to H that we have to treat each other with as much respect as possible (and in our sitch, also loving affection) in front of d's b/c they are watching.
What happened to me was very unfair. But I'm not throwing in the towel and I really want them to see that there was a good reason for that. That their dad is a good guy with some great traits, and who loves them; he would kill or die for them and that is true. It really is. That should matter some. Hope so.
(sigh) I don't know if this helps but I know I've been upset since d19 left. She was really hurt by h and I thought a lot of it was worked thru already. I was a fool. I don't know what d11 thinks but h still has a chance with her. If he shows up for her. Let's pray that happens.
Good luck ladies, I'm sorry we are talking about this... ( j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
