TRUSTINGS NEW BEGINNINGS

[cagzmom]

25yrs.. that is really good insight. Sad still - the truth of all of this.. But good. i believe too that often the WAS doesn't see what they have lost - reach bottom - whatever until the saftey net is gone. i am not saying dont stand. i am saying move on for real.

That is a very hard part. Learning it ... i hope some day i get to reconnect with the man who is my xh. i hope some day that he and i get to give it another try. BUT i also know that i can't sit and wait for him to "hit bottom....it isn't good for him - or me.

[TRUSTING]

For those of you who have teenagers, I have a question.

My 14 year-old daughter, very much mimics much of the behaviors of my ML'er.

Is it because she too is experiencing adolescence?

or

Is it because they are in the rebellious part of their life and they are taking on (imitating) what they see?

[cagzmom]

Hmmm I am went through something last week with my preteen adn talked with a friend of mine who is already "in" this season with her daughter. She giggled at me as I blew in frustration and said..........."Oh yeah you haven't done this before. You haven't raised a daughter yet........"

So my friend - she is a girl.. you have already raised a son. Also I believe that the ML'r is more adolescent then a REAL adolescent.

[tpaschal]

For those of you who have teenagers, I have a question.

My 14 year-old daughter, very much mimics much of the behaviors of my ML'er.

Is it because she too is experiencing adolescence?

or

Is it because they are in the rebellious part of their life and they are taking on (imitating) what they see?

Trusting,

I've got a 14 yr. old daughter, too, and she is driving me nuts. My friends with older girls or girls the same age say they all go through it, and it's normal. The other mom's stories about their daughters do seem eerily similar to mine, so I guess it is a normal part of adolescence.

Although---I do think that her anger at her father is exacerbating the situation. She would have gone through the same issues, and probably reacted to the issues in much the same way, but maybe not to the same crazy degree she is now? Her anger at her dad and at the divorce is probably fueling her reactions to all the normal adolescent rebellious stuff.

My D14 and I had a Come To Jesus talk a few days ago. I lost my temper a bit, but it was time. All the understanding and compassion in the world wasn't getting me anywhere, so I laid down the law about how she was to speak to me and treat me and the other members of this household.

I really thought the kids and I had gotten closer through all this insanity, but now....? It seems to be getting harder for the kids as time goes on, not easier. It's not the trauma of the first few weeks after H left, but it's harder in its own way.

So, just from my own experience, I guess I'd come down on the side of---your D14 isn't mimicking the adolescent behaviors of her father, she's just being a normal teenager.

It's just too bad that we're having to put up with teenage behaviors from supposedly mature adults, at the same time as trying to raise the ACTUAL children and teenagers all by ourselves!!!

[25yearsmlc]

OMG don't underestimate the impact this has on girls.

I'm out the door right now so I'll be brief. D19 was 16 when H left for 2 years; HER junior and senior year in HS and she cried and asked him not to go and he said "But the dream job will pay so much and we'll all be happy blah blah blah" like a bigger 401k would make HER happier... I cannot say she was hard for me, in fact when he left we got very close. I also have a d11 (then 8) and a s22 who was mostly out of the house at college.

So here h and I are together, a "happy ending" story and still M. It's a few years later. But when d19 left for study abroad last month, the night before she left she told me a lot of things that she feels and revealed how damaged she is though she seems to have it "all together".... for one, she does not think she'll EVER GET MARRIED, and does not know how she feels about the whole idea of a monogamous M, etc. Also she is confronting other issues (religious faith and she has always been an "old soul" more religious than the other kids and more kind and spiritual) so she is really confronting a lot. She admits she was deeply hurt by her dad's choice "to not be part of my life" although h does NOT see it that way.

She's an actress and I read a scene she wrote. It discusses the selfishness of men in general and why a woman would say "no" to a m proposal. It broke my heart to read. Yes, it made me mad at H all over again which is super NON-productive...but still, real. I have to show her the good sides of H and men in general. I like men. But then, maybe I showed too much anger when h left? I hope not. God knows I worked hard as h--- not to show it in front of the kids.
I once said "h is confused but he loves you..." and d19 (then 17) said
"I don't think dad is confused, I think he's just selfish..." OUCH!!

I pray that in time their R will heal. I am confused as to what to tell h, since I don't want to break her confidence AND don't want to hurt h unecessarily since it makes him defensive and is it really helpful? I just want to do something constructive here. I want him to know the "urgency" of the matter without getting him defensive or angry. A fine line to walk...

Yes the kids (girls especially I think, since they are noticing boys more at this age) notice the WAS actions (and ours) we have to recall that all WE can do, is model for them what a woman (LBSer) does in the face of deep wounds of betrayal. We must model that though our pain is deep and real for us, it also is NOT permanent and it is not fatal. We will heal and laugh and love again. We can start now. And the biggest thing for us to do, the only thing we can do, is to teach them how to forgive. We do this, by modelling it ourselves.

Hence my signature. I want to somehow get thru to H that we have to treat each other with as much respect as possible (and in our sitch, also loving affection) in front of d's b/c they are watching.

What happened to me was very unfair. But I'm not throwing in the towel and I really want them to see that there was a good reason for that. That their dad is a good guy with some great traits, and who loves them; he would kill or die for them and that is true. It really is. That should matter some. Hope so.

(sigh) I don't know if this helps but I know I've been upset since d19 left. She was really hurt by h and I thought a lot of it was worked thru already. I was a fool.
I don't know what d11 thinks but h still has a chance with her. If he shows up for her. Let's pray that happens.

Good luck ladies, I'm sorry we are talking about this...
( j )

[Cinderellaman]

Trusting, my 10 year old daughter mimics ow !!!!!!!!

She comes home and TALKS like ow, LOOKS like ow, and ACTS like ow....

I really have to swallow and absorb !

It's tough, very very tough !

Good luck to you xxx

((((hugs)))

[ACJ]

T when all this crap first started in my sitch I went to MC, like many of us here. The counsellor told me it wasn't any 'accident' that H has gone into MLC just as my son was entering adolesence. So i think if anything it's our Hs who copy our children.

I do agree that there is some element to the exacerbation of behaviour by our 'true' teens when they are in this sitch. For my elder daughter it was very much a case of SHE felt like OW was replacing HER b/c she and H had such a close R prior to his MLC taking hold. In her case she had been rebellious since conception and after a shaky start this sitch made her grow up far faster than she might otherwise have done. Partly b/c i was such a mess that she felt she had to take care of me and partly b/c she felt abandoned by her dad and felt she had to become an island so that no-one would ever hurt her in that way again.

My youngest D is now nearly 14. When H left she was 10. A few months after leaving he told her he had wanted to leave for 10 years! To this day she still feels like she was partly responsible for his departure She plays up to try and play us off against each other. Until early 2008 it worked but as he hasn't spoken to me since last April until this week (see my thread for why) and so that no longer works.

IMO I think these kids will suffer for the rest of their lives for what thier missing parent has done. It will get easier until they want to get M themselves and then there will be the awkwardness of the wedding and who sits where. When they have kids of thier own will they want the 'non-grandparent' joining in on the inimate first visits to a new born?

It's the kids who bear the brunt of this whichever way you look at it. No wonder they feel they have to draw attention to themselves.

[sleeper]

This is all so weird.

At bomb my X looked up at me and called me "daddy."

[TRUSTING]

Sleeper,

This is even weirder. At bomb, my ex called me mum.

[TRUSTING]

Cinders,

That sucks...