Seems you both hurt each other. The 'why and how's' seem kind of trivial now. Why don't you try to approach it as a 'new affair' or 'new relationship' with her? A clean slate for the both of you.
BTW, don't you think that maybe your infidelity was more revenge than to make her feel less guilty?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I am not taking you less seriously because of what you did. Two wrongs don't make a right though. You will both have issues from what has happened.
To be honest, I don't know which is more 'wrong' - getting together with someone because you have feelings or just doing it to even out the score. I almost think what you did was worse as there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of feeling behind it. How did it make you feel? Have you talked to your W much about what you did? I imagine she has issues to deal with on that score as well. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it as she things what you did makes you on a level footing and you both just need to move forward from this point.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Astimegoeson , I guess you would have to know me to know that it was not revenge at all. I get these stupid ideas and follow through with them as if it is the smartest thing in the world while everyone in the "real world" sees it as bizarre. My W says I'm like Larry David sometimes. I really thought it was going to make her feel less guilty and make reconciliation more approachable.
Saffie,
It made me feel horrible and cheap. I stopped in the middle and excused myself and went home to be honest.
I know it really hurts my wife and now I am sorry for having such a stupid idea.
I have never wanted anyone else since the day I saw her.
I was thinking about your situation. Does your W know you want to talk about her A?
My big thing with my H was wanting to know all the details so I could work out why it had happened.....to try and ensure it didn't happen again. It was getting that sorted in my head that helped.
I expect your W isn't keen to share what happened because she doesn't feel too proud of what she did. Why did she decide to reconcile with you rather than be with OM? Was it her decision to end the R with OM or was it his? all these little things can make a difference.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Right now she is not able to talk about anything really. She is not very good at talking about emotional issues. This is part of what lead to the original break down of our marriage.
She knows I want to talk but; I don't know where to start and neither does she.
I suspect she left him for me, but 6 years ago she left him for me too so I am really confused about that.
How can she hurt him like that? Not that I care about his feelings. But I care that she could do that.
I know she did not sleep w/ him till I was gone.
I don't want the "sex" details, I'll end up killing him but I want to know things like "Why him", How did it feel for her to know I was killing myself to save our marriage while she was having a blissful affair with her ex boyfriend?
I do want her to know how much I have sacrificed as far as my ego because I love her and want to save our marriage.
I tried to tell her about my one night stand but she won't let me talk about it.
I Gave her my copy of Divorce remedy with the infidelity chapter marked and parts that meant something to me underlined.
I really want to make this a strong marriage. I don't think it was before.
I think it is very easy when one is not happy in one's M, to think back to prior R's and suddenly see them through rose tinted glasses and perhaps feel there was unfinished business. Your W went back and tried that and found out it was wrong, and what she already had was better.
However, it doesn't seem like you know WHY she felt the need to do that....or do you? That is the thing that would be important to me, because that's the emotion/ feeling you need to be working on.
What made your W want to look elsewhere? Now in my own M I know what went wrong and so my H and I guard against it happening again.
Have you read The Passionate Marriage? If not, I would recommend trying it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
When I found out that she slept with someone. I went and did it too. But no one seems to understand that I did it so that she would not feel guilty about her affair.
Do you really think that's true? You don't think it was maybe b/c of anger, revenge or a desire to pay her back? I don't think you are being honest with yourself if you think that's true. I think DBing takes honesty and the willingness to change. Karen
I just looked at this post and realized that some folks might think that what I meant by gender roles is that I like to wear pretty lace dresses and bonnets. No that is not what I mean.
I mean that where my wife grew up, men are stoics and their only way to escape the drudgery of the life before them is to become suicidal drunks. Though my wife does not want me to be this way, she felt very unsafe that I talked about my worries and didn't hold a steady job in the past.
Have you thought about taking that list you posted to me and talking to your W about them?
Quote:
I just looked at this post and realized that some folks might think that what I meant by gender roles is that I like to wear pretty lace dresses and bonnets. No that is not what I mean.
I never for one moment thought that!!! lol
My H used to worry about what people would think about the fact that I cut the lawns whilst he cooked.....now he doesn't care; life is too short to worry about what others think - it's a matter of what works.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
