Listen to these guys (Bworl's comments are spot on). As a woman I'd be offended as hell if you deflected my wanting to leave, and put it all on some hormonal issues. (NOT to say that they aren't a part of it, but don't ever think you can be the one to tell her that. It's way too easy to avoid looking in the mirror for you, and it's a tough thing for a woman to learn. Let her OB tell her that, not you). Besides, you think if she learns she's in menopause she'll slap her forehead and say "OMG, I get it! I DO want to stay M...." No, that won't happen anyhow. You are looping around the freeway of "what is the diagnosis, MLC, WAS, Menopause, OM, what???
All you have control over is YOU so none of the above matter b/c guess what? The treatment is the same. Back off big time, GAL, PMA, 180's etc. By the way, what's up with the "better not be an OM..." stuff? As jack said, "or what?"
You'll "punish" her? Yeah, that sounds loving and reconciliatory...you need to look in the mirror to fix what YOU can fix. It increases the chance of a recon, but does not guarantee it. But it does guarantee you'll be a better man and therefore more likely to be happy in the long run is A marriage; hopefully this one.
And 2 other little points. You are NEW here...by our standards. I got on this board a good couple YEARS after h started his MLC...he went full blown in early '05 so I'm now writing 4 years later....and we are married. A work in progress. It happens.
So does divorcing and remarrying. Crazy sounding but two relatives of mine did it. My aunt and uncle divorced and remarried 5 (Five) years later so don't hold your breath. Kerry, do you ever think if you had enough time to digest it all, and "re-introduce" your wife, there could be a way? Maybe you could forgive in time....I digress. I don't know all the issues; I only know my uncle and aunt had kids, ran into each other at functions and had coffee one day and he asked her if she was happier "now" that the dust had all settled and she said, "not as happy as I think we could have been" so they gave it another try. About 7 years later he died of cancer and his wife and kids were at his side. My cousin also divorced and remarried 8 years later. They've been Remarried now 15 years and say the 2nd time around is better. Don't know all the issues there either but I do recall a lot of painful stuff at the time of the divorce. So, hey, I'm a witness and it does happen.
But lose the anger, at least in front of her. The hovering and obsessing will come across as controlling and smothering and will push her off a cliff or into the arms of someone so back the heck off.... Are you sure you "hid" the books? God it sure looks like manipulation and "see my changes? Oh you don't? Well I am READING books so that means I'm all fine now..."
It is the hallmark of someone who is temporarily making surface changes and that is NOT what she wants or needs. I know you want to make the changes for real. But she doesn't. And it looks too staged. So come on and settle in for a longer ride than you anticipated. But learn what it means to be committed to someone. Both h and I were in the military during the first Gulf War (and he for part of this one) and deployments suck and you have to trust. A lot. Ever think about the families who don't see or talk to their spouses for months at a time b/c of a secure location (or submarine crew) and have to deal with it for long periods of time? Think about that and settle down honey. You can do this if they can!
Heck, how'd you like to have a MIA spouse? (Well, you do...in a way). Seriously, maybe she'll wake up and maybe she won't. But she'll look around sometime...and when she does, what do you want to look like? I'll tell you.
You want to be a man only a fool would leave. My s22 is an actor and was in a play called Big Love (NOT about polgamy) by Charles Mee. I heard the best description of what it means to be a man that I ever heard in my whole life. Our son had the role and when he said his spiel, I wept. He talked of the tension between how pulled you men are; to be strong enough to provide for your family, to protect us and kill the intruder if you must, but to then tenderly hold your baby in your arms, or comfort your wife and gently make love.
As a woman, it opened my eyes. Later, a woman character spoke of what it means to be a woman today and it was also well written. I feel for you men. The "women's movement" wasn't supposed to confuse all of us. I know it's not what I meant when I said "equal pay for equal work"....geez...
Hope this helps. You're in good hands here. But listen to them. Don't do what does not work. We don't know what WILL work in any given sitch. We DO know what does NOT WORK in most. And so, we advise you based on that. NO one here has ever heard of a WAS/MLCer seeing the LBSer reading the DB books and then slapping their foreheads! OMG NOW I GET IT!
Learn two things as soon as you can. They'll take time but where the head goes; the heart will follow;
Learn to be patient, and learn to forgive. As Jack said somewhere, if you aren't really going to forgive, then give in now and don't waste anyone's time. In my experience, I do not know of ANY longterm marriage that did not contain some serious forgiveness somewhere along the route.
Expect to have to forgive and ask and pray that you will be forgiven for the things your wife was hurt or angered by. You may not know what they are and she may not, but I'd bet they exist. I haven't read your past threads but if you know what bothers her, then change. It's not easy but it's not complicated.
If you don't know, as you say, (is that real? I mean do you honestly have NO idea why???) then as Bworl said, you are in an undercover ops sitch. You are doing recon (reconnaissance) and eventually some psychological operations....all in a loving way of course! ( j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ral doesn't need to tell his W she has hormonal issues and use it to blame her for everything wrong. She already said
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She doesn't know how she feels yet. Sometimes she feels guilty but, she doesn't feel the same. She said it could be MLC/ hormones, she states "I've been trying to please everyone else except me".
Because she is already aware of HER own hormones, I suggested ral support her. That is coming from me as a woman who would love some moral support from my H while I wade thru these issues. 25y would be offended as hell in her womans position, in my womans position I would love support. There you have 2 opposite opinions and you Ral will have to feel what is right for you and your W. Ral and everyone that wants to dismiss the whole hormonal thing (and prolapsed uterus that causes pain/problems), there is a huge difference between throwing it in her face and offering support. Anyone remember the term VALIDATING?
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She works all day at her job and then comes home and takes care of S-11, his Homework, Bathes him later, 1-2 loads of wash, you get the idea. I cook dinner , handle dishes, trash etc.
Why does she bathe an 11 year old S? or do you mean she just makes sure he does it? What type of shift do you work? a regular day shift or in your paramedic life is it 24 on?
ral, start living your life. Give your W some alone time. Get out of the house with your S11 and have some fun.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW, just wanted you to be clear that my comments to Ral were not to dismiss the potential effects of any hormonal issues his wife was having. I was more concerned that given his initial responses to his wife that he might bring her hormonal issues up as an explanation for why she is doing "crazy" stuff.
You and I both know that would not fly over well.
If she brings up the subject again, it is DEFINITELY a good idea to empathize and validate her concerns on that matter.
By the same token, it is DEFINITELY a no-no to ever hold that over her head in an attempt to prove to her that she is behaving irrationally.
Just wanted you (and Ral) to know that, for my part at least, I was not trying to dismiss the impact, but trying to make sure he didn't USE it as a club.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you 25mlc. I have read your response numerous times. It's frustrating in how to best react to this sitch. I feel I do these things you all advise, but when you step back a look at the big picture, I can see where my actions have been percieved differently. I hope it's not too late, and there is still time...
There's always time Ral. That's the one thing there is never a lack of. Even if the worst happens, there is still time if you want there to be.
It all depends on how long you can hang.
And that depends on how quickly you begin to get the hang of treading in these potentially dangerous waters.
Understand that your wife is wrestling with significant choices and decisions. If you valued her enough to marry her, than at some point you must have trusted her ability to make an informed and thought out decision.
Now I'm not saying that her reasoning is sound. Lord knows that many on this board have had spouses that just seemed to change overnight in to someone they didn't even know. It does happen that way sometimes.
But your wife is still relatively rational it seems to me. At least other than the not being sure if she wants to stay married or not part.
You owe it to her to respect what comes out of her mouth. And you cannot be perceived to be respecting how she feels if you are regularly trying to change her mind or convince her she's wrong.
And jeez, I know that sounds strange. If you don't try to convince her she's wrong, isn't that just like telling her she's right? All I can say is that in some strange way, the answer to that question is no.
What you are doing is giving her the space that she needs to figure things out. What you are doing is honoring her request by not pressuring her to reconsider. And you are preparing for a new future by taking the best care of yourself and the rest of your life that you can while she's struggling.
It's not being a doormat. You don't need to roll over and give in to any ridiculous thing she does. But you do need to allow her to do what she wants to do. Truth is you can't stop her anyway.
Your wife has said/done a couple things that sound like positives to me. She suggested that time would take care of these things. And to me that sounds like someone who is under pressure inside, and is hoping that the pressure will subside, allowing her to get her life back. The other thing is that, to this point at least, there does not seem to be involvement with another. In most of the worst cases on this board you seem to see immediate involvement with another person.
You have to find a way to navigate these waters without making things worse. Honor your wife. But remain true to who you are. A juggling act? For sure. But it can and has been done by others.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
25 years AND Bill just gave you some really amazing advice there Ral.
You are going to get caught off guard...unless you plan ahead. Having an idea of what to do or say IF something happens is always a good plan. The trick is not saying those things unless you have too.
I would practice in the shower. If she says this, then I will say this...and kind of roleplay it out.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
