im really starting to have a hard time following this.... i am the only one that thinks there is a problem...she is fine as long as i agree with everything she says and dont talk in public... as far as sex...i guess its fine..she thinks its the mans job to come get it,i just wish she would try a little...anything to show me she even wants to have sex...sometime she has stated many times that she has no fantasy's or urges at all "never has and never will" i just didnt pick up on it for a few yrs.... most all our problems started after our 2nd was born...its like shes a different woman altogether....and im not the only one to think so since she got fired from her job a few mths ago....well from what some of her coworkers called pms that didnt go away. it is not like her,and not at all the woman i used to know..
i would like to improve understanding and comunication between us i would like to have an hr alone that we didnt seem to get into a disagreement. i would like to see her show an sexual intrest in me(at all) i would like her to at least start using to same rules that she tries to give me
Shawn, Since it seems that the male perspective isn't working, let me give you the female perspective.
Your goals all state what you want from HER. What are you willing to do, what are you willing to change. You can't change her, but by making changes in yourself, her reaction to you will change.
I can't speak for your W, only myself, but 2 small children are very trying to care for. Since most W are primary caregivers, maybe you should listen to what she is asking from you instead of always turning it around that the problem is all hers and none of it is your fault.
I have news for you. It takes 2 people to get M, it takes 2 people to ruin a M. You need to stop focusing on your W, and her problems, and start focusing on yourself. Have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting?
Please don't run away, but if you want advice on how to change your W, you are on the wrong site. If you want to save your M, consider what everyone is saying, working on yourself, and you just might be surprised by the results.
My man, welcome and put on your seat belt. This is going to be a bumby ride.
Sorry you are here and I'm with you. I am you only a few months further along. In fact we are all you and we are nothing like you. I know deep but true.
1st you can leave your wife today and life would be easy, so go for it!
If your still reading then you understand for some reason, you want it to work out. Great for you and I agree with you.
2nd, if you type it own it!
As I have been reading your stuff, you go back and explain what you meant by your words. It is ok to be open and honest, no one hear knows you and if your wife knows you post here, change your name and don;t let her know so you can be honest. Not a good idea to type and re type, just let it come out and the folks on this board will help. If not, don;t let what we say back to you hurt you. You are the man!
There is a nice lady, Sandi2 who has helped a lot of folks, she left this for me on my post, see if it helps you like it did me:
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Me:45;W-47 Married 17 years this time Married in '82 for 3 years and divorced, both walked away. Re-married '91 D16 at home S15 at home (Special Needs) *************************** Wife EA June 08 Bomb August 08 Living in same house
ya know its kinda starting to sound like no matter what the situation its always the guys fault..... as i have stated my wife doesent seem to think there is a problem i am the one not happy in this relationship...i am the one not being listened to...she has gone through a dramatic change and im not the only one who sees it...ie she got fired from her job for it. everybody starts out with "what are you doing wrong??" and im telling you i have done nothing wrong or different for that matter since we met.. i consider myself a fairly good hubby i help around house. i help with kids . i give her time for herself. i do have a life and a bis outside the house. i bring gifts of affection. i try to show affection although i usually get brushed off till bedtime. though i feel like she does it out of duty anymore.
and i dont follow her around like a puppy either or hound her but i will stand my ground when she attacks...
we tried to get a mediator in between us but that lasted til she told my wife she had to let me finish my own sentences. then as far as my wife was concerned the mod knew nothing and couldnt help cause i didnt know what i was talking about. so if she wanted to listen to me it was pointless
so now if there is something im doing wrong please be more specific as im still lost
OK to be clear then, you are the one who wants to leave Amber?
She is happy in the marriage? You are unhappy because she nags on you, won't let you talk and is mailing it in, in regards to sex?
The I know I had it wrong if what I just typed is right. I thought she was threatening to walk out on you.
If you are planning to leave her, what does she say when you tell her?
Also how old is baby number 2?
Twice
Me:45;W-47 Married 17 years this time Married in '82 for 3 years and divorced, both walked away. Re-married '91 D16 at home S15 at home (Special Needs) *************************** Wife EA June 08 Bomb August 08 Living in same house
right...im the one not happy she thinks everything is hunky dory. but there has been a change in her our 2nd was born almost 3 yrs now. most of our friends wont come over anymore. none of mine will ever
she lost her job from flat out running her mouth to a v.p.
i dont want to change her into something new i want the old her back. and shes not around now so i might be a little less nice about it. but getting another screen name would be like i wanted to hide it from her..and i dont even want to get into that. i dont ever say anything behind her(or anyone else's)back that i wont say to her(there)face...i just might say it a little differently but yea its gotten to the point that im thinking about leaving. she doesent care she thinks(actually says) i wont. says in this state she'll get everything,and shes prob right. but getting to the point that i might have to. i just dont want to....there has to be something. bout the only thing i havent tried is some heavy drinking and maybe a fling. (just a joke)...sorta
Welcome and I'm sorry your here. i want to say that niether drinking or a "fling" would be the answer you are looking for unless you don't care about her, your family and your marriage. I suggest you read other ppls threads and see what OP have been through. Where they started and where they are now.
The bottom line is if you do a few things different, whether it is how you talk to her or do things with just the kids she will notice a change and wonder why. No one is saying that you have the "problem" BUT you are the only one willing at the moment to look into doing something to change the pattern. You have gotten wonderful advise at things you can do to get your W to notice you in a different way.
Here are 2 other possiable things to think about.
1. Your W may be suffering from PPD. Even though it has been 3 yrs since your childs birth it makes sense with the mood changes and frustration the your W has.
2. Go to IC to help with communication. By going, no one is saying it is your fault. Look at it this way. What you have been doing isn't working so change it!
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
Nobody is saying it is the man's fault, or it is something you have done wrong. Heck, maybe it is mostly "her fault", who really knows except you and her?
The thing about this site is, from my observation, people here are less concerned with who is at fault, and more concerned with what the person who is willing to work on the R is willing and is able to achieve. One of the underlying principles that people are trying to get across is that the only person you can really change is you.
Doesn't make sense right? She is to blame and the advice you are given is to work and focus on you...
It is more powerful than it appears on the surface. By deciding to make changes in yourself, you are not taking the blame for where the R is at, you are choosing to take the high road, sacrificing being "right" in order to break old patterns, and strengthening yourself so that no matter what happens, you can act less emotionally and with more dignity.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
After reading a few of your newer posts Shawn I kind of get the impression that you're letting your W walk all over you. That may not be the case but certain things you said made it seem that way to me. Another book I would recommend you read is 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Dr Robert glover. There are certain aspects of it that helped me. They also have a support site if you want to look it up. I found it to be a bit more harsh than this one though and a lot less sympathetic. If you go there, be prepared for some serious 2x4's being thrown at you from all directions. Sometimes that's what a person needs though. It all depends what stage they are at with their sitch.
Good luck though. Keep coming here when you need support.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Nobody is saying it is the man's fault, or it is something you have done wrong. Heck, maybe it is mostly "her fault", who really knows except you and her?
The thing about this site is, from my observation, people here are less concerned with who is at fault, and more concerned with what the person who is willing to work on the R is willing and is able to achieve. One of the underlying principles that people are trying to get across is that the only person you can really change is you.
Doesn't make sense right? She is to blame and the advice you are given is to work and focus on you...
It is more powerful than it appears on the surface. By deciding to make changes in yourself, you are not taking the blame for where the R is at, you are choosing to take the high road, sacrificing being "right" in order to break old patterns, and strengthening yourself so that no matter what happens, you can act less emotionally and with more dignity.
The best and most succinct way I've seen this stated here is that "You're BOTH responsible for your marriage getting to this point. But since you're the one here, you get to go first."
