Finding me again....

[still.struggling]

Jimbo are you sure you're not the magician Penn because you sure have done some magic on me the last couple of days. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me all of this. It has helped A LOT!!!

After thinking about things, I do realize he is not as happy as he portrays. You know, he has never had any down time to even think about things. He went from home to first OW and volleyball 7 nights a week. Never had any time for himself. Then he met this new woman and still didn't have any him time. It is like he needs someone there. I guess to keep busy so he doesn't have to come back to reality. Is he afraid reality is going to snap him up and eat him alive? (oh how nice that would be..)

Let him keep running. I only have 3 1/2 more years to deal with him and then I can walk away and not look back. Right now I try to stay civil because of the kids and because I don't want to have to be sitting in court fighting over things.

I do believe he realizes he wasn't thinking when we did the settlement agreement. He admits that he screwed himself. At first I felt sorry and was going to have things amended but then the evil me came out and NOPE, let him suffer.

The funny thing with his new woman is in a weird way I am glad he is with her and not the other skank he was with. I find it very satisfying that she is begging and pleading with him to come back. She gave up her life and marriage for him and now she is left with nothing.

Me, I may not have my husband but I have so much more. I have a house over my head, food in my fridge, a job (won't say good cuz I hate it), and if I hadn't gone through all this crap I never would have met all of you. So you see, something good did come out of this. I have lots of new friends.

Is your stbx stupid? I highly doubt it.

Yes he is!!!! He left me and I'm the best thing that he ever had. (ok, a little dry humor there but I just had to say it)

Me just being me is hard to do because I don't know who I am anymore. I'm a shy girl at times who gets embarrased at the slightest things but then I can turn around and be the naughty girl who would make your toes curl. Maybe I'm bipolar... It just depends on who I am around.

I see your point on how people see us. I can sometimes come across very arrogant but I'm not. I am the most down to earth person you will ever meet. I am in between the Virginia redneck and the normal middle class person. No upper class here. I don't do snobs!!!

You've done really well at this. There is a lot to be said for restoring your happiness by "acting as if". But you also need to respect your grieving process, too. Have you cried your eyes out until the tears won't come anymore, or have you bottled up all of this emotion- the hurt, frustration and anger?

In the beginning I cried at the drop of a pin. I have not really cried my eyes out until the tears wouldn't come. I have stood in the shower and screamed at the top of my lungs. Maybe I just need to throw a major temper tantrum. I have been trying to live up to my name (Trying to stay positive) for so long I haven't let my true feelings surface. I thought I was ready for this divorce but really I'm not. It had to be done though.

The funny thing is I'm ready to let go of him but not the marriage. Does that make sense? I liked being married and having someone there to help when needed. Someone to rely on and help me with things. It is tough being a single mom and having all the responsibilites. Not only do I have to do the inside things, but I have almost an acre of yard I have to mow, weedwhack (and believe me when I say the weedwhacker hates me, I mean it). I have learned how to do some much though. I can use the chainsaw just as good an any man. I can change the oil and all filters on the riding mower. When I learned to do this, I felt great...now I just feel like some hillbilly woman doing her chores.

When you say that you feel less wanted, I can read this in many different ways- how do you mean it? Less worthwhile? Less accepted? Less sexually desireable?

Less accepted, less sexually desireable...you name it, I feel it. I'm working on this though.

If you mean less sexually desireable, I think I can help you with that. Are you ready for secret number 2? :

2) There are guys out there who are actually turned on by shy women!

Even shy women with kids. Believe it!

Thanks Jimbo....just one question though....WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?

After all of this I realize I am not ready for a relationship. Does that mean I can't have a friend with benefits? LOL!!! I'm joking.

I am getting off work today at 2:30 for some much needed "me time". Haven't decided what I am doing yet but I will figure something out.

Jimbo...I am getting out tomorrow night and GAL by playing poker...wanna join us?