H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[25yearsmlc]

Believe it or not,

we aren't just words on a screen. In a way, we've all been on a long crazy train ride and some cars fall off the cliff and we are all afraid that's what will happen to ours, and some make it fine across the bridge...and we bond in our common pain and fears.

For most of us, it is, or rivals the worst experience we've ever had. So, knowing you are not alone is a good good thing. And you aren't. There are also live divorce support groups in most cities, where you meet and get together for fun activities and some commiserating ("Crap! My first holiday post D", , etc and they'll understand you. )

I'd think that would be so great to be in physical proximity to those who "get it" and early on you'd have someone in touch. Plus it'll lead to Just to dust up your thoughts some more, I had one other question line. Gross to mention it...but ow?? Um, her age offers one advantage and that is if your h wanted kids. You said you were the main one who didn't want children and I don't know why but assume it's depression related. I'm totally guessing there. But do you ever think that given your h's MLC age range, and her age, and your resistance to it, that it might be an issue?

If so, what could you do? What would you be willing to do? Give birth? (Hey, I had my last one at 38 but my mom had me at 40 AND 3 more kids after that so it can happen, especially these days. OR Adopt? I mean if it IS an issue for him, after all this time sure it'd be nice to have known earlier. But would it have changed anything for you then? Now?

My sister's ex left her and she really fell apart, and did so badly. They had no kids, as each kept thinking they'd do it later. He left her without giving a reason (although I knew he had to have OW, given the alimony he agreed to, and frankly my siser had been smothering, and with no kids and no real job for years, I suspect he felt "she didn't bring anything to the table"...)

So they divorced and her head was spinning. All told only 6 months had passed. Then her h married OW 30 days after the divorce from my sister. She was floored that there was an OW at all, let alone one he was marrying in the shortest legally permitted time. 11 months later, they had a baby together and sent her an announcement...wtf??? ouch!

FWIW, your h does not show the signs of certainty with ow that my xbil did, so don't even go there in your head. STOP SIGN TIME.... I'm just asking about the baby issue for your h given your history on the topic and his age range for MLC, I'm wondering about a phase for him...?

okay enough for now. I am procrastinating big time...like you I have to get a sleep routine and I have a d11 so I wake up for at 7:30 so I'm gonna die if I keep this up. H is on the east coast again with his cancer mom, and he's been gone 6 weeks this time and I'm NOT sleeping enough! He comes back here the 9th and that will help.

Take care and don't freak out too much about the questions. I ask b/c I see a very articulate woman journalling and thinking and getting a little isolated...so I poke around seeing if we can help with some bigger 180's.

You're going to have to risk something to get thru this no matter what. Risk by getting way out of your comfort zone and being a "joiner" of groups (just two?) or teaching more classes or different ones, and or getting better pay or more work...etc.
AND OR risking by loving fully again. If you risk nothing, that's what you'll have. I know it's terrifying, but you are past the scariest parts and you made it thru.

So what are those GAL items? Best case scenario is a hobby/passion you love, or maybe one you totally don't know about yet! I'm doing a creative project just for the artisitic pleasure of it, and my coach said, "why not try to 'marry' it to something commercial, (easy to do if you don't care about profit margins...) assuming it doesn't warp your art"? I LOVE THAT IDEA!!

As for your h coming back soon, I did want to mention that it doesn't help to tell a lot of people about OW. I am not saying for ou to protect the lie. I'm saying Remember you want to keep the road home paved and smooth.

So the videos and OW things are best left unsaid to your family or close friends b/c it makes it harder for h's to come back. Your friends will not get it. Sometimes the less they know the better IF you want to restore the M. Don't make it harder than it already would be. As for his awareness of the pain he's caused, you cannot know what he feels. And you don't want guilt to guide him b/c it doesn't last as a marital foundation.

Remorse can lead to realizations of the truth and that's great. But again, I find that guilt/shame in people often comes out as anger or resentment. A Russian woman once said, that "when men feel guilt, they attack".

And if you don't think you'll be able to let go of the OW images, then you won't be able to be married. It's part of forgiving and takes time and meds and cognitive therapy. I don't know of any long term M that hasn't contained some serious forgiveness along the way. No offense, but if you can't forgive, you may as well move on now. I'm NOT making light of it. I'm just saying that couples who try to reconcile only to hang onto their pain and betrayal, waste so much time and end up divorced anyhow, or married and bitter, and I don't know which is worse.

You sound more evolved in this forgiveness thing and the value it has for you, than most. That's why I think there's hope with your sitch, along with your h's uncertainty, and the unlikelihood that this OW is his "soul mate"...

Well I'm so tired now that I'm nodding off and making less and less sense. Gotta go,
hugs!

(( j ))