Thanks {{{Tawnya}}}. Yes, my jobs are going well and I am doing exercise and seeing my girl friends. My life is now pretty full and there is not much time to ruminate. Of course, H is on my mind most of the time but it is usually with annoyance and confusion than sadness or anger. I don't feel that a part of me is ripped apart anymore. I am finding that I can feel whole without him. It's a great feeling.
My love tank is emptying and I don't know what there is anymore. My C asked if I still love him. It's a tough question because I don't love the man that he is now. I don't know if he can ever be the man that I want him to be.
Now I am thinking maybe this IS my chance to start anew, maybe find someone who deserves my love, who will be faithful and considerate and who can put me above his own needs. I have lived that other way for so long that I have forgotten how to receive love properly. I want to learn how to do that again. I want to feel worthy, not worthless. That is how he made me feel when he became unfaithful.
I would love to save my marriage, that is what my heart wants. But my head is telling me that he can't be the man I want because he doesn't want to be. I guess over time, without ever saying in so many words, that he doesn't love me anymore and can't love me again.
If so, then why am I trying so hard? Why do I want to bring back a man who doesn't love me? I am not saying these things out of any anger, just questioning. The anger is gone. I just want to make the best choice for me.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
