Advice Please...Con't #2

[25yearsmlc]

Ral,

Listen to these guys (Bworl's comments are spot on). As a woman I'd be offended as hell if you deflected my wanting to leave, and put it all on some hormonal issues. (NOT to say that they aren't a part of it, but don't ever think you can be the one to tell her that. It's way too easy to avoid looking in the mirror for you, and it's a tough thing for a woman to learn. Let her OB tell her that, not you). Besides, you think if she learns she's in menopause she'll slap her forehead and say "OMG, I get it! I DO want to stay M...." No, that won't happen anyhow. You are looping around the freeway of "what is the diagnosis, MLC, WAS, Menopause, OM, what???

All you have control over is YOU so none of the above matter b/c guess what? The treatment is the same. Back off big time, GAL, PMA, 180's etc. By the way, what's up with the "better not be an OM..." stuff? As jack said, "or what?"

You'll "punish" her? Yeah, that sounds loving and reconciliatory...you need to look in the mirror to fix what YOU can fix. It increases the chance of a recon, but does not guarantee it. But it does guarantee you'll be a better man and therefore more likely to be happy in the long run is A marriage; hopefully this one.

And 2 other little points. You are NEW here...by our standards. I got on this board a good couple YEARS after h started his MLC...he went full blown in early '05 so I'm now writing 4 years later....and we are married. A work in progress. It happens.

So does divorcing and remarrying. Crazy sounding but two relatives of mine did it. My aunt and uncle divorced and remarried 5 (Five) years later so don't hold your breath. Kerry, do you ever think if you had enough time to digest it all, and "re-introduce" your wife, there could be a way? Maybe you could forgive in time....I digress. I don't know all the issues; I only know my uncle and aunt had kids, ran into each other at functions and had coffee one day and he asked her if she was happier "now" that the dust had all settled and she said, "not as happy as I think we could have been" so they gave it another try. About 7 years later he died of cancer and his wife and kids were at his side. My cousin also divorced and remarried 8 years later. They've been Remarried now 15 years and say the 2nd time around is better. Don't know all the issues there either but I do recall a lot of painful stuff at the time of the divorce. So, hey, I'm a witness and it does happen.

But lose the anger, at least in front of her. The hovering and obsessing will come across as controlling and smothering and will push her off a cliff or into the arms of someone so back the heck off....
Are you sure you "hid" the books? God it sure looks like manipulation and "see my changes? Oh you don't? Well I am READING books so that means I'm all fine now..."

It is the hallmark of someone who is temporarily making surface changes and that is NOT what she wants or needs. I know you want to make the changes for real. But she doesn't. And it looks too staged. So come on and settle in for a longer ride than you anticipated. But learn what it means to be committed to someone. Both h and I were in the military during the first Gulf War (and he for part of this one) and deployments suck and you have to trust. A lot. Ever think about the families who don't see or talk to their spouses for months at a time b/c of a secure location (or submarine crew) and have to deal with it for long periods of time? Think about that and settle down honey. You can do this if they can!

Heck, how'd you like to have a MIA spouse? (Well, you do...in a way). Seriously, maybe she'll wake up and maybe she won't. But she'll look around sometime...and when she does, what do you want to look like? I'll tell you.

You want to be a man only a fool would leave. My s22 is an actor and was in a play called Big Love (NOT about polgamy) by Charles Mee. I heard the best description of what it means to be a man that I ever heard in my whole life. Our son had the role and when he said his spiel, I wept. He talked of the tension between how pulled you men are; to be strong enough to provide for your family, to protect us and kill the intruder if you must, but to then tenderly hold your baby in your arms, or comfort your wife and gently make love.

As a woman, it opened my eyes. Later, a woman character spoke of what it means to be a woman today and it was also well written. I feel for you men. The "women's movement" wasn't supposed to confuse all of us. I know it's not what I meant when I said "equal pay for equal work"....geez...

Hope this helps. You're in good hands here. But listen to them. Don't do what does not work. We don't know what WILL work in any given sitch. We DO know what does NOT WORK in most. And so, we advise you based on that. NO one here has ever heard of a WAS/MLCer seeing the LBSer reading the DB books and then slapping their foreheads! OMG NOW I GET IT!

Learn two things as soon as you can. They'll take time but where the head goes; the heart will follow;

Learn to be patient, and learn to forgive. As Jack said somewhere, if you aren't really going to forgive, then give in now and don't waste anyone's time. In my experience, I do not know of ANY longterm marriage that did not contain some serious forgiveness somewhere along the route.

Expect to have to forgive and ask and pray that you will be forgiven for the things your wife was hurt or angered by. You may not know what they are and she may not, but I'd bet they exist. I haven't read your past threads but if you know what bothers her, then change. It's not easy but it's not complicated.

If you don't know, as you say, (is that real? I mean do you honestly have NO idea why???) then as Bworl said, you are in an undercover ops sitch. You are doing recon (reconnaissance) and eventually some psychological operations....all in a loving way of course!
( j )