Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, [[[BM and ST]]], for your posts.

You are completely right that I need to just not even think about H and concentrate on me and being happy in myself! I know this!! I really do!!

I get so frustrated at myself sometimes! It's like a part of me stands outside of me and sees what I am doing and says "You freakin' idiot! You know what to do, so just do it, and stop the BS!!!"

It seems I go on for a while doing just fine and then I just gotta crash. And, although it seems to be a little longer in between each crash, in some the ways, the crash feels worse because it feels like I am being dropped from a higher place. Sorta like I'm climbing a ladder, and each time I get a little further, but it also hurts a lot worse when I fall, ya' know?

So, confession time.......I backslid in a big way again today. I'll try to be brief (I know....that would be a first for me!)

H called me while I was on my way to IC to talk about the bills and plan for working on house this weekend. He said he would not be able to work on it Thursday or Friday because he had plans......you guessed it....I asked (mistake #1). He is having dinner with new boss on Thursday, and Friday having dinner with his BF and BF's W. I think this is unusual because he would normally get together only with BF alone.......

So I asked (mistake #2).....If H was dating anyone, would he tell me......Answer: "Maybe....I did tell you I had had drinks a couple of times with co-worker's sister."........I said "So, you are dating...." H's said "I wouldn't call it that yet." Says she is "Good company.".......We finish up talk with plan on house projects this weekend.

(Mistake #3) I call H back and tell him I have a question......H tells me to go ahead and ask but he may not answer......I ask "Why are you unwilling to do MC with me?".....I tell him that we had MC almost 18 years ago, but that doesn't count now. Because of our D24 and her issues, we have been in "family" C a lot over the years, but not MC. And even though we have been seeing a C for the past 9 months, we have done NO MC! I told him that this was the one thing that I had difficulty accepting. My mom left my dad after 30 years of marriage, and I never faulted her for leaving, I only faulted her for the fact that she did not go back and get MC with my dad when he offered (which was a big concession for my Dad). I always thought that it might not save their marriage, but at least there would have been understanding. H knew this was a big issue for me and always agreed that we would never make the same mistake...

H tells me that he is actually willing to talk about "Why" in my next session with C. He asked when my next session was (Next Wednesday) and said he would join me........ I thanked him, but also told him I was a little scared of what he would say.

I had a really tough session with C. He doesn't see H slowing down or looking back at all from the direction he is taking. In fact, he feels that H is more withdrawn from the M than ever. C says that he doesn't see H changing any time soon if ever. C doesn't understand how H could change so much, but he can't tell H that he "wrong". C doesn't do those moral judgements. He can only discuss choices and consequences. C was amazed that H actually sat in C's office and said "I know it's selfish, but right now I don't care". C says that he has seen a lot of couples recently in his practice who are just throwing away long term marriages. It's like an epidemic. I cried a LOT in session, and left feeling drained.

On the drive to meet sandycay, I called to leave VM on H's cell to tell him of change in scheduled session time for him tomorrow and next week. Didn't get VM, H answered........I gave him the schedule info. H started telling me all about the woman he has hired as his replacement since he is to the brand new facility. He said she is like a female H! She was in the military....has twin S17s that she is ready to throw out the window......wears a ring, but doesn't appear to be married.....even went to barber school on a lark while in the military (H went to barber school to get off the submarine for 12 weeks when we were dating). H's co-workers teased him that they didn't know they could do "cross gender clones". This woman said that she accepted the position because she is looking forward to working with H, and having his mentorship.....

I tell H that she sounds great!.......I then tell him that I did not mean to back him into a corner with my question earlier......H says he didn't feel cornered. I ask him if he's going to spring any major surprised on me. His reply "I don't think so."........

I then asked if he was going to take co-worker's sister to dinner with him and BF and BF's W. (yep, mistake #.....I figure at this point, I figure today is a bust anyway, so in for a penny in for a pound). H's reply was "No", and he went on to explain how he came to be having dinner with them........

So, I asked him if he ever thought that he might someday be willing to work on us.......he said that he honestly never gave it any thought. He said he is happy with what he is doing and feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he wants to continue. He said he knows I think he will be re-married in a year, but he doesn't think he will. He does not want the "expense" of a R right now. I said "and yet you're dating". He said, sure he doesn't rule out anything and it's exciting to spend time with other women, but.......I said, "Well it sounds like you might have found your soul mate in your replacement at work." He said "Maybe, and only time will tell."

H said we would talk about it more in C next week. I told him what C had said about the epidemic of long term marriages breaking up. H said that there are lots of reasons that relationships wither and die, and that the attraction or desire is no longer there. I said that I believed that I deserved at least a chance, and H said that it wasn't about what I deserved, it was about "being is counseling with D24 for years, family members living with us, pets tearing up the carpets, the house is a sty, S17 is running amok...." I told him to remember that he helped to build all that, and that now he has just run away and left me with it all! H then said he didn't leave it all to me, as he was taking care of most of it now...

I then thanked H for his honesty and told him that I understood his feelings on all those things! I really do. I understand his desire for freedom, and his feelings of not wanting everything to be such a stuggle. I feel the same! I just don't agree that the answer is to throw away a marriage! I told him that I meant it when I made my vows and I still mean it. I told him that I do know my love is strong enough to let him go if that is what it takes for him to be happy. But, I told him that I did believe that we could be happy if we worked together on it, and that I would always love him.

He said "So I'll see you on Saturday to work on the house?" I said sure......I plan to show up with a tool-belt on and I'm going to "as if" and PMA my a** off!! And I may even go over to the house between now and then to do some work on my own. I asked him what he would want done, and he told me, so it wouldn't be a surprise or anything. But, it is still a 180 for me.

So, after I hung up, I went and had dinner and a couple of drinks with my new best bud, sandycay! [Sandy, you have no idea how much you helped me tonight!!! You are a real gem, and I am so very thankful to have you as a friend!!]

I know I deserve a whole lumberyard full of 2x4s, but really there is no need. I know already. I'm back to square one......in a miserable heap at the bottom of that darn ladder!!

I guess I need to get up, dust myself off, and start climbing again!!