Sometimes I just want to scream!!! If it was *that* bad...if you hated me *that* much all along, then WTH don't you get that paperwork together and get a dam divorce??? Why are you wasting my time? Just freaking why???
The email follows: Him "Truth be told Mel, being able to bs back and forth helps me. I understand if its not fair to you. But it does help me... besides its not like I am asking you to hop in the sack! ;)"
Me "It's hard because you say you need this. But I feel like you need it all on your terms. I feel like you don't even miss me and that you are glad I am gone, that I am one less thing in your life for you to worry about. You say you need this but you have this incredible ability to at the same time make me feel like I don't matter and the things I want don't matter."
Him: "Well I am sorry I make you feel that way. Feeling like you don't matter is not my intention, and I always thought that I did try, however, you obviously didn't feel that way. It never really was about me and my terms. Yes I did want to stay here and I told you why and what sacrifice I would have had to make if I left... Do you remember why I never wanted to leave? And do not say Terry [friend next door]. He had a very small part... I would have gotten over that... You didn't give me a chance to carry out what we talked about. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO KOREA!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AWAY FROM YA'LL FOR A YEAR, AROUND A YEARS WORTH OF TEMPTATION. AND TO BURDEN YA'LL WITH ALL THE TROUBLES OF WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH FOR A YEAR. I DID 6 MONTHS IN IRAQ, SO IF WE DID WANT TO PCS, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO KOREA. I THINK YOU FORGOT THAT AND PLEASE TELL PATTY [counselor] THAT, BECAUSE YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T CLOUD WHAT HAPPENED WITH MY STAYING HERE UNTIL I COULD GET US IN A BETTER POSITION TO PCS. Do you want me to accept all the responsibility of this Melissa? Would it make you feel better if I said it is all my fault, again. Like I did 4 years ago, and just be me going to counseling???
Me: "I am not looking for you to accept all the responsibility. I am really not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you."
Him: "You are not bothering me but my point here is for anything of this magnitude to be successful WE have to be able to communicate. I cant read your mind, nor should you! Also, topics/decisions that were discussed shouldn't be forgotten. Although, they do get forgotten but we did talk those things over, and now you are saying those are major factors that pushed you to another man... Damn, what do I do?"
Me: "That's not what I am saying at all. I *don't* always remember every discussion we had or what the outcome was. And even though I may have understood the reasoning at the time, a lot of times you did say "because I'm happy here". I am in no way using this as a justification. THERE IS NOT ONE. What I am saying is, things happened to make me feel insignificant. Part of that was my personality. Part of it was my parents. And part of it was you. It wasn't any one thing, but ALL of those combined together...I was a trainwreck looking for a place to happen. I felt like I gave a lot to make sure you got what I thought you wanted out of the marriage. I'm sure you feel the same way, that you gave a lot to give me what you thought I wanted out of the marriage. What did you think I wanted out of the marriage?"
Him: "A good husband. Security. To feel needed, wanted, loved. I will not try to justify my being... I did all that and more. I wanted to be good to you and a lot of times Mel you were not so good to me in return, but I recognized this as the norm, I knew you pretty well. That was a huge reason in asking you to go to counseling when I did... Earlier you said that I have a way of making you feel like you don't matter. Not my intention again. When you left our home, I felt that I didn't matter, period. As a man, a father, or a husband. I am simply living day to day and not expecting anything except what I can provide for myself Melissa, because no one else will provide me what I need. Do you understand??? I cant hire someone to clean the house, because it is MY responsibility. Its my problem. I cant make you love me, because when I told you that I did, you loved someone else. I cant provide a home for you because you left it. If it is my responsibility than I fully shoulder that and I own it... "
Me: "I wasn't trying to be snotty. I genuinely wonder what you thought I wanted. I just wanted to be friends, to love and be loved, yes, to be wanted. Desperately. You say there were a lot of times that I was not so good to you. Please tell me when!! What did I do so much to make you so mad, present situation aside. What did I do overseas that was not so good to you? I am genuinely asking and I want a true answer. I am trying to understand everything. I only know the ways I felt. I don't know how you felt or why you felt them. But I want to. I want to have a better understanding. You do matter and you have mattered to me, always, whether you felt like it or not. Both of us are sitting here saying "I loved, but I didn't feel loved."
Him: "I felt like you resented my friend choices and you wouldn't have any part of it by separating yourself. And my of dealing with that was spending a little with you and little with them, then that always evolved into more because I was drunk well into the night, then of course it was hard to make the right decision. Albeit, I initiated it so I accept that. And as far as going out it was just with Jim and his pretentious little wife that was truly not someone that was a very good person. But you enjoyed time with her, so no biggie, I could deal with that. But my friends you wouldn't really be a part of that... Yes I know I could pick some winners, but where you very cautious who you let in, I was open to everyone! Brandon was just one big party!!! Mainly because you weren't.... Even if it was just us and we tried to have fun it turned into a chore. So yup, I drank so it would be fun. When we went to Bavaria, you had a very specific idea of what you wanted to do and where you wanted to go, although my parents were footin the bill. Why do you think I got tore up that night. It was easier to drink it away than fight about it, but that Melissa was a sign of alcoholism. To cover one problem with booze, tomorrow the prob was still be there. During the past three years I enjoyed it, we were more open. We did things and I was having fun. yes I did remember talking about deploying because that was not only the option to stay in the Mil but a ticket to leave here. Because it was a CATM commitment it was perfect timing. I wasn't gonna leave the FOB and catch an IED."
So there ya'll go. That is today's conversation. I see lots of anger but I also see lots of pain. He is right about his friends. If I just didn't want to hang out with them, I didn't! It was simple as that. If I didn't like them, I let it go. He never hung out with any of my friends!! It is truly amazing to me that we have been married 13 years, and we both remember different parts of the marriage. That trip to Bavaria. His parents did foot the bill. They wanted to go somewhere that Thursday and I didn't want to go. I felt bad because they were paying for it. And I knew that I would never get to go back. So far, I'm right! I haven't been back to Garmisch yet!! I was working full time. He was working, and we couldn't manage to save money because it was all getting spent! It seemed like we were always in the poorhouse. And the friends he chose! Jeez! He still chooses people who will stay up and drink with him. And that's been okay, because I don't have to stay out with them. He has brought over some decent people that I do like. But usually it is just guy friends and no wives or the wives are...young and are military who i have nothing in common with but they all have everything in common. So I feel left out. Left behind. Abandoned. AGAIN.
ARGGGGHHHH1!!! Opinions, please! He feels what he felt, and I don't want to take anything away from that! But dang!
Maybe I should just email him to get the dang D paperwork together so I can sign it, otherwise I'm moving back into the house on 15 march. That would throw him for a loop!
Guess he really did have to drink to be able to put up with me.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I'm not sure, but it sounds like you both are getting the things said .. that needed to be said. I think that is a good thing. Is this a first? Have you communicated/talked (in depth) about this kind of stuff at any time during this current situation?
In some of what he is saying .. it appears that he is "half-in" and "half-out".
I know you're not seeing it, but I think that these communications are a good thing. Be brutally honest. Let's hope your H is too.
Rustie, I agree, we are getting things said. It really hurts to hear them, but we have both been holding in for 13 years.
Half-in, half-out, it's like being kinda pregnant, IMHO.
lmao. reading DB again. laughing at the lady whose husband has become a couch potato in the 180 thing. "can't" get a job, unable to help around, house, etc, and Michelle tells her to tell him that really just overestimated him, that she realizes now that he'll never have another job and she goes and gets nursing home brochures. *okay*. see if ya'll follow me. First, I won't do this. Not unless you ALL told me, uh-uh, that's a great idea, go try it. so what if i told H that I guess i just overestimated his ability to forgive and look toward the future. That I realize he could never forgive me or treat me fairly and that it is just too much to ask of him. i guess i could leave some lawyer brochures laying around, (lmao), but of course i won't....
it would change the dynamics just a little bit, though, huh?? something to think about.
M
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Oh, yeah, ladies, you can hear it now: "I realize, Brandon that I have been overestimating you. I'm sorry I have been pushing you into the R too much. I have been expecting too much out of you. My expectations were based on how I remember you being years ago, but I realize my memory must have been playing tricks on me. I have been pushing you so hard because I have been in denial about your unhappiness, but I realize that I must admit to myself now that you will always be unhappy in the relationship and that you will never love me again. Coming to grips with this reality has been hard, but at least I am finally facing the truth."
lmao. Does anyone else want to see his face when I tell him that???
OMG.
Melissa
Last edited by Mellenmack; 02/04/0906:33 PM.
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Don't leave the lawyer brochures around... just don't go there...
detach detach detach... give him space. Give yourself space. You both need mental and physical space to heal. The fact he hates you and is experiencing so much pain means he still loves you. He just needs time and space to deal with those feelings. And he may ultimately decide he can't deal with it and has to leave. But give him the space to figure this out on his own.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Don't call him. Don't write to him. Don't talk to him at all while you are feeling this way. Because the things we say in anger are the things we almost always regret.
Go get a massage... go set up an appointment to talk to your shrink ASAP.... go shopping...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Don't laugh. I read that part in the book over a couple of times .. considering doing something on that same order to MY H. Only I was really thinking about the nursing home brochures.
(Would we call that "grasping for straws"?) Or .. just being in total despair and not knowing what else to do ..
