Yeah, at the very least it has been an EA because he has been more informed of the goings on in our relationship than I have in the past several months. He is a loser, drinks from 5:00pm - 3:00am most nights, and basically just parties when he is off. He lives with his parents... so no stability there.
I work full time, and most of the time last year I was also taking night classes while working on a business degree. So I wasn't home except for 30-40 min between arriving and going to school, then coming back around 8:00pm. During those times she spent her time there.
On Fridays I didn't have school - but I'd arrive home at 5:30pm or so and she'd always be over there. Some nights I would have my daughter, and some nights she would take her there. She would come home the first couple of months when I got back, but later on she would start going over there all the time and we didn't spend any time together. When it was summer I didn't mind our daughter being over as much, but as it got colder she continued going - or she'd walk out the door leaving our daughter hanging out of her swing and not tell me she was leaving. Just things like that.
As far as "allowing" it... I tried to reason with her at first. Then I tried arguing. Then it became a constant struggle. I'd say "please spend less time there." and she would run around the neighborhood saying that "He never wants me to get out of the house."
Eventually she just started lying about where she was and where she was going. I'd pull up at the house and she was running back over to our house. I'd tell her I'd be home at 6:00pm and show up at 5:30pm and she'd be over there and come running back when I pulled up.
And yeah... I'm acting nice, cordial, etc. She was here when I got served the divorce complaint. I read it, sighed, and just put it on my desk. I didn't react to her at all, just spent time with my kids and whistled "Oh Susanna" while fixing sandwiches for my boys. She acted guilty/etc. then started acting nice offering to buy me fast food if I was hungry. I told her no thank you, asked how her day at work was, etc. but basically am dropping any and all attempts to reason with her at this point.
I think once reality sets in she will be more reasonable. But right now she's in the "throw everything in my face" mode. I'm just going to watch my tail legally, and do the smart thing. This isn't my first custody rodeo - I'm just disappointed she filed after telling me to my face she was wanting to mutually divorce and work things out.
Her personality change started around July. She started taking everything I said personally, started building a list, started withdrawing. By the time her father had died, I felt like I was barely able to help her - so I started focusing on helping her family through the time. By the time November/December rolled around she was acting completely irrational - and I was getting upset as well. It wasn't until the "bomb" went off before New Year that all of a sudden she went from "sorrowful, just ain't gonna work, but I want us to be friends" mode to "I hate you, never loved you, and want to do anything you say not to do in order to spite you" mode.
January was hell, but I adjusted fairly quickly because I've been through divorce/custody/etc. before (have full custody of my sons) and I'm not completely 'lost' on what to do.
She works at a daycare, and would have tons of references with her behavior there. She always does good in front of people - it was just her behavior at home that was negative.
For instance, here she barely shows any emotion to the baby - but at her mom's she's buying gifts, doing all the attention "I'm a good mother" things.
I had asked her about postpartum depression and getting checked up, her response was "I don't want to hurt my baby!" and packing a bag and leaving.
She was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest person I'd ever known and I felt I'd lucked out marrying her. Now I'm stuck dealing with someone who is irrational, on an emotional high, and wants to see me hurt - yet still act nice towards me about it.
Any suggestions of counseling/doctor visits/etc. have been rebuffed and I have stopped trying.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
