I know how cold and heartless I sound at times. Here I am. It's armor of sorts. Recalling this stuff used to affect me where I'd go home and be angry at my wife for all this crap in the past.
I am certainly not this way in my day to day life with my wife. At my worst, I was really doing the LRT. and it wasn't a trick. I was ready for her to be gone.
If a person cannot handle me being blunt then really you can't do this, nothing I say is even going to be close to the pain a love one can inflict. Tons of others here can be all warm fuzzy and make you feel perfect, you aren't.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You don't have explain your MO, I used to get it from COG, when he was on the site.I appreciate your style, some people need to have a tongue lashing once in awhile.When you are in the middle of all this, you don't always see the obvious.So, if someone takes the time to clear it up , so be it.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Craig, Without sounding blase, this is just another part of your journey here. Although so very painful, you will find it in you to rise above the pain, and use that to help you to get to the next place.
Jeremiah 29:11-15
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BND, Thank you, it so happens I been reading Jeremiah. Appropriate!!!
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I know how cold and heartless I sound at times. Here I am. It's armor of sorts. Recalling this stuff used to affect me where I'd go home and be angry at my wife for all this crap in the past.
I am certainly not this way in my day to day life with my wife. At my worst, I was really doing the LRT. and it wasn't a trick. I was ready for her to be gone.
If a person cannot handle me being blunt then really you can't do this, nothing I say is even going to be close to the pain a love one can inflict. Tons of others here can be all warm fuzzy and make you feel perfect, you aren't.
BND, Jack3, (Craig--sorry for the hijack but I can't find jack's thread since it keeps sending me here saying I "cannot do another search at this time"...)
I think Jack is not sure how he's being received but we get it, Jack. I know BND and I do, b/c we talked about you! I would never tell you (or anyone really) that their posts have never made a difference. How the hell would I know? (See note below about who I meant).
And this IS the place for "reality therapy" talks. Nothing destructive of course, and I have seen a few nasty comments from people who seem to be actually insulting each other here on the boards....but not from you. (Makes you wonder if they are in the right place...) But you Jack, Blunt? Yes, but that's partly a guy thing, and partly a Jack thing and at times, the right thing TO SAY... it's fair for someone to ask for clairification though. (I just didn't see your other post to me til later).
If someone sees me in a cheeseless tunnel, I want to know, or if someone sees hope where I might not see any b/c of fear or cynicism, I want some "reality therapy". I sure as hell want it if I'm doing something that hurts my kids and I don't even see it.... or if I'm not losing the anger (or hiding/handling it better) shoot, I want to know HERE...why?
B/C it Seems to me that I'd rather hear some "reality therapy" here, than from an angry spouse's div Lawyer!.... I'm grateful for this place and the people who encouraged me with realistic help. and an occasional 2 x 4. I always felt that doing the morally right thing was the road to happiness anyhow, so yes, I wanted guidance.
There was a time (or ten) that I thought hey, "the M is over and I may as well file and move on." But Was2sad and BND, Amyc, FIB, faithfulH and a guy named Alaska (but who was actually a wannabe, cuz he lived in Canada...wimp!...) & many others helped me see hope and love b/c they could see things in H's actions and words that my pain/bruised ego/crushed hopes and hurt children, did not.
I was also very angry and a part of me, and most friends wanted h to "get what he deserved..." and I know now when someone says that, they're unknowingly being punitive and that ain't helpful. They call it "justice," and it may well be. But it is rarely helpful for our M while in crisis, and my DB coach reminded me so many times not to appoint myself Judge and not to "Show H the consequences of his choices" as life does that for us. I had a good coach, thank God. And I came here. Thank God.
Boundaries, enforcing them, making brave choices that are risky without a safety net (which includes the choice to love someone fully) allllll were reinforced for me here. By good smart people who cared about a stranger called "25" and her m and kids. Thank God.
OMG, I am still amazed I'm here and Married to h, in piecing. Reality therapy? Without it, I'd be divorced for sure and worse, I'd be bitter. Angry people were not helpful for my sitch, but straight talkers were. And sometimes you do just want to know that someone you love can be a real ass and then kind of snap back. I"m not totally there yet but I'm hopeful.
A turning point of my "reality therapy" was this. My younger sister "JS" went bonkers after her h left her. She totally fell apart and wallowed in it. For a couple years. I swore I'd never be like that if it happened to me. So when h left and I started to spiral down the drain, repeating myself and all the unanswerable questions over and over on a weekly, or daily, or houly basis, my Older sister, G told me I was "starting to sound like JS" and that scared the crap out of me. It was our "signal" about becoming a SVON. (SVON = "swirling vortex of negativity") We've all known "someone" who wallowed too much for too long and just "lost their sh--"
Regardless of why a spouse leaves, the double whammyfor the LBSer is for the SVON LBSer b/c The saddest fuel to the fire is the LBSer who "loses it and- Wallows in losing it" b/c they also start to lose friends, and jobs, and their kids...they begin to circle the drain b/c they Wallow and wallow negatively, and won't make a lasting decision TO DO SOMETHING AND THEN FOLLOW THRU....on some course of action.
It just wears out the audience, so to speak. My sister's phone calls eventually sapped my energy (heck, it sucked out my flippin' will to live!) My siblings all felt the same and we tried an intervention... not successful. We tried though. But my brothers "quit" earlier than the sisters and have sometimes mentioned what a waste of time it was for us to engage. We just wanted to do the loving thing. But in hindsight, I wish we had been blunter, earlier, and more often. Or quit earlier. I have a family of my own and a job that needs my energy. (Hmm, sound like a cheeseless tunnel?)
That, Jack, was what I meant on the other thread, about your posts. Not your posts, per se, but posts on that thread to that person. He really does want to be where he is. It has been so long it has to be a record. Read how far back it goes and tell me what has really truly changed that he created..... I'm not a psych so I don't know the other reasons. (Feel free to get my email from FIB/BND / faithfulH if you like). Understand? Are we okay?
And can you or Craig or someone pls explain why all the "old timers" got banned from here, as I missed posting for about 6 months last year...came back and wth?? where is everyone? Did they ALL reconcile and leave the board??? I wish )
Craig, again, I really apologize for the hijack. I've tried 4 times again to get to jack's thread directly...and again I'm told I can't "make another search at this time"....whatever. You 're in good hands though. I'm done, and Jack I hope we're cool. Yes, I will create my own thread again, one of these days. (but I wouldn't want to wallow or be a SVON... (( j-))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I just read what Amy said to another poster about her not being the one that quit. It struck a cord in me. I never quit, I am not a quitter.My wife is going to miss out on an adventure of a life time.Jesus has changed my life so much in the last 14 months. It will only continue to get better and more meaningfull.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
No not yet, I want to do it face to face not on the phone.As far as changing something, I am not sure what I would change. Any advice!
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
...something you haven't tried, or something that seemed to work in the past. Not something that you know doesn't work. Not being obtuse...just do not know what you have or have not done.
A simple statement, "I do not want this."
No guilt, no pressure, honesty.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
)