CL...just a quick thought here: have you and W ever discussed the nuanced differences between sex and intimacy? I'm a little stunned that she figures it's all your deal and expects you to figure it out in IC. It would seem that if she wants more intimacy, it is in her best interest to be participating in a well-rounded approach to improving the R and making efforts to be more supportive. That said, maybe she just wants sex and thinks it's as simple as a little pill here and there. Catch 22.
It bugs me a bit that she expects you to be perfection personified, but she's allowed to be bitchy and flawed. That said, I do understand completely where you're coming from and think you're doing an amazing job as always. Keep up the good work.
It bugs me a bit that she expects you to be perfection personified, but she's allowed to be bitchy and flawed.:)
Aud, I think you've captured the current R dynamic. Of course, it can't continue like this.
The R careened into a ditch last night. My W and I went to a dance together last night (bad idea). She continued to pick at me prior during the day. I was hoping the dance would lift my spirits.
I couldn't seem to relax and find joy. During a dance with my W, I snapped at her. The evening was over after that point. When we got home, she kicked me and the dog out of the bedroom and the family room.
I wasn't able to cultivate goodwill last night. I told her that she can't continue to pick at me and not expect it not to affect me. I'm only human.
I think I realize that I need to have some expectations for the R, as discussed in Divorce Remedy. The first and basic one is to be spoken to respectfully. I'm going to repeat and reinforce this expectation with her.
She needs to put some effort into managing her moods and choosing her words, even if she's upset about things.
We haven't been on a good path lately, and things needed to fall apart a bit. Hopefully, something constructive can come out of this.
I'm scheduled to see my IC on 2/13. I'll meet with him and put together a game plan regarding my W's involvement.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/02/0911:24 AM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Aud, and Matilda, My W is very angry and hurt about the dance last night. I was suppressing anger about her recent sleeping elsewhere behavior this past weekend, and it came out on the dance floor.
She wants an apology from me. I told her that I'm sorry how the dance turned out. She wants me on my knees begging for forgiveness.
I confronted her about her sleeping elsewhere, about her calls in the middle of the night saying she's not coming home because she's to tired to drive. She acted as if it were irrelevant, and justified.
She's now talking about a D, and says that last night was the final straw.
I do realize that the failure of intimacy on my part has led to this place, but she needs to understand that after months of sleeping elsewhere, I can't simply turn trust back on. I don't understand how she expects me to want get close to her after she tells me how I've failed, or disappointed her. She wants me to meet her expectations under any circumstance--regardless of how she treats me.
The dog and I are now in the guest room. Our Valentine's dinner is to be cancelled.
The game plan remains the same--goodwill, compassion, gratitude, and openness. I'll meet with the IC on 2/13.
I do wish her happiness. It seems important for her to be in relation to someone. I hope she finds someone she can be compatable with.
I'll likely stay single for awhile and cultivate my interests and friendships, and enjoy peace and freedom.
It's not over till it's over, but it's looking like we're headed for D, and a return to the sleeping elsewhere phase.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
(((CL))) Your wife will NEVER find someone who can meet her expectations I am sure! You have certainly bent over backwards to make her happy and it appears she has not done one thing to help your marriage improve. She has not even tried to help the intimacy issues....blaming you for everything!
As you said "it's not over until it's over", but if you do get a divorce I believe you will find your life more peaceful. I'm glad you have an appt on 2/13! Keep us posted.
Meanwhile, get prepared! You might want to start interviewing lawyers. You can have a free hour for consultation. Find someone who you are at ease with.
CL...Sorry I didn't check in until today, and grrrrrr.
I think Matilda's right: you have made substantial and deliberate effort to improve the R, but there has to be some kind of work on her end as well. I hope she's not just throwing the D word around as an effort to ratchet up a tantrum. For sure, it's time to step back and see what comes of the sitch.
Either way, you're entirely in the right to expect some respect and common decent treatment. You have nothing to apologize for letting her know how the 'sleeping elsewhere' affects you, and shame on her for expecting an apology for natural consequences of *her* actions.
Matilda and Aud, The emails I've been receiving these past several days have two themes--my poor treatment of her, and how I've tried to steal from her from the separation agreement in 04. She apparently wasn't comfortable with the agreement, or is disappointed with the one she made at the time.
I think she continues to harbor resentment about the past, and it plays too much of a role in the present. I also think the lack of intimacy is too much for her to bear.
A recent email stated that her seeking kindness and appreciation elsewhere is to be expected, given my failure to provide these.
I think we need Ghostbusting, as we're being haunted by the past. I don't believe she's being objective about me or our situation.
My strategy will continue to be to promote goodwill in my actions, cultivate compassionate thoughts and feelings instead of resentment, be grateful for the joys I have in my life, and be open to a difficult situation by refraining from judgment about her.
I've invited her to my session on 2/13, in the spirit of doing something different. We need to break the pattern of her reactivity and my pulling away because of her verbal disrespect.
I think in some way she's trying to communicate pain and wants to be heard by and comforted by me. She wants closeness but is too guarded to ask for it, and is not getting what she wants with her approach.
We possibly have two guarded people miscommunicating.
I will respect her space, and connect with her to the extent she's willing. I think too much distance from her is perceived as more rejection. I think I have to be willing to listen and connect, and set boundaries even with the sleeping elsewhere happening, to move us forward.
I'm going to continue to sleep in the guest room for now.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, She now thinks she was too generous at the time, and she is appalled that I would have accept her terms. It has something to do with how to deal with inheritance money that she put into either her own retirement accounts or into the house. I think she believes that inheritance money should not be divided in a divorce settlement.
She currently has inheritance money in a mutual fund. I think she believes that that should not be considered marital property. She has fear that I'm going to go after this money.
I've been getting long emails about this theme. She wants me to promise not to touch this money. My stance is nothing's official until I sign the proper document.
In the meantime, division of property is not my primary concern, healing the M is, and finding solutions. We'll deal with division of property when the time comes, though she keeps pressing for a premature commitment from me.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I know I had stocks that I inherited that became marital property. I could have kept it separate when I first got them, but I never dreamed I would ever get a divorce!!!
It does seem odd that she is more worried about splitting up finances instead of trying to repair the marriage. I hope you don't agree to anything (even verbally) just because you are such a gentleman!!!!
Will she go with you to counseling? I know you invited her, but wondering about her response.
