WAW/Divorce Papers Served

[DCBHM]

I'm going to share my story. I've been married since 2006. I had an extra-marital encounter in April 2008. I confessed to my wife right afterward. She said that she forgave me, and we never spoke of the issue after that. I remained faithful, and was truly sorry and told her so. I couldn't look myself in the mirror afterward, and truly tried to do what I could to be supportive.

We had a baby in May.

Her father developed cancer and died toward the end of the year in September. In July she became emotionally withdrawn with her father sick/dying. I tried to be supportive, not just of her but her family. I helped with the funeral arrangements, he left behind a lot of debt so I assisted my mother-in-law with bill collectors, and handling the estate process. I took time off from work to make sure she was taken care of, and helped her through that period.

My wife began seeking the company of the neighbor next door, hanging out with him, singing, dancing, drinking liquor (she had never been one to drink a lot), and basically flirting with him. She would ignore our daughter, or leave her in the guy's garage while she hung out with him.

So this started some arguments between us. And the more I tried to tell her to stop doing these things, the more she rebelled and said that I was "trying to make her stay home" and "keeping her from getting out of the house." I wasn't mean about it... I just said "Hey, a rumor is going around the neighborhood you are sleeping with him. I don't believe it - but I'd rather you spend less time over there."

She took this as a challenge to spend more time there. From November-December she spent more time there than she did with me, and when she was home she didn't want to do anything but go to bed. Eventually things came to a head before New Year's when she blurted that she "wanted out, she wanted a divorce."

I immediately dropped my anger because I was surprised. She said she'd been thinking about it for months. I tried asking about counseling, etc. in our first conversation about it. She said she wasn't interested, she didn't want to be with a guy who cheated on her, etc.

So I asked her to wait a couple of weeks to cool off before we make a decision. That lasted about two days before she was packing her bag and going to "stay with a friend." I told her she was welcome to go, but I was keeping our daughter. (I've got two sons from a prior marriage, we share a 9-month old daughter.) The next day I went to her mother's house. I agreed to let her keep our daughter, and got her to agree to go to counseling with our pastor.

When we met with our pastor, I told her in front of him that I loved her enough to do whatever it took to change, work things out, and I even loved her enough to let her go - there was no pressure if she wanted out. Meanwhile she was making mean comments towards me, accusing me of all kinds of crazy things, twisting our past around, saying she 'never' loved me, saying that she was never coming back, etc. She told the pastor she'd made up her mind and wasn't interested.

So two hours after that she said she was "tired of waiting" and wanted a divorce "right now."

I told her I would give her that, but I wanted joint custody of our daughter. She screamed that I was "forcing her to be with me" but I told her that I was giving her what she wanted, the least I deserved was to be a part of raising our daughter. She acted like she wanted to keep her 100% of the time and I could "come visit."

Anyway... she let me keep her the following weekend from Friday - Monday afternoon. Otherwise I've been visiting her mom's, and this past weekend she slept on my couch all day because she didn't want to leave her with me or something.

I told her I wanted us to work things out mutually, and file together so that we could get through this with a minimum of hurt for the children.

Guess who ran to a lawyer and filed a "He's an abuser! He's an adulterer!" divorce complaint?

Right... so now I'm going to have to hire a lawyer to protect my rights. She doesn't even seem to be aware of what the process is going to be.

So it looks like any DBing efforts are going to be sabotaged by the fact she's wanting to run a brutal legal complaint against me.

I'm cutting contact except to ask about our daughter, she comes to my house Mondays/Wednesday and I act polite/cordial but I've stopped asking her about our relationship/her feelings. She doesn't respond, and gets angry and rants about random things when I ask.

Meanwhile I'm cleaning, taking care of my two boys, and doing everything else I'm supposed to be doing.

She's acting like a stranger. Vindictive, mean spirited, suspect OM - but I don't have anything but the usual "42 signs" or whatever. Her entire attitude/behavior has shifted to where she is acting like she's on an emotional high and nothing can bother her.

So... I dunno - any suggestions? I'm going to be filing my counter-claim for custody and all of that. Not sure if the reality will set in or if she'll be in la-la land for the duration. Otherwise I'll do the other things such as cutting contact, working on my family, taking care of myself, etc.