My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

[MomInPain]

Even though it's been just over 2 months since H left, I can't help but wonder what he does with his days now. Is he with someone else? Does he think about us?

Soon after leaving and about a week before Christmas, I asked H if he was happier now that he had left. He said "you don't want to hear my answer". I told him I did. He said he wasn't happier but he didn't want to come home.

I went into a tirade about how marriages take work, and I can change and it will be better, just give us another chance. Don't give up, don't be a bad example to your kids, etc. etc. Everything I shouldn't have done. He asks me if I need an answer right away. I tell him no, take your time.

Christmas comes and I am having panic attacks. After we get through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day he calls and asks if he can come over. I think uh oh. what now. He comes over and tells me that He isn't coming home. I remain calm because I halfway expected this. He seems bothered by the fact that I'm not freaking out. No mention of D, which is good. I tell him that he will have to tell the kids. He agrees.
I listen from the kitchen and cry.
Before he leaves I tell him that the hardest part of this is that I miss my friend. I miss feeling safe in his arms and I miss our hugs. He offers a hug before he leaves.
I hug him and we both cry. I've never seen him cry, in all of our 18 years together. (I'm crying now as I relive this memory)
He tells me to call him if I need anything. He makes me promise. I tell him to get some counseling because I would hate to see this happen to him again. We continue to hug and cry a bit more. Finally I let go, say goodbye, and walk away.

To this day it all seems like a nightmare. I feel like a piece of trash discarded because I am no longer of any use.

It doesn't feel good at all.