I am so grateful for you XXXX. I say that with the upmost sincerity. I am right now in the midst of so many financial problems. My H made quiet a few blunders and our savings is at 0$. My internet will be shut off soon if I don't pay. We are a few truck payments behind. We are so broke it isn't even funny. I cant order Sushi on a whim like a DIVA~ * had to add some humor* * My H is actually the diva, I am too cheap to do this. I would cringe when he ordered Sushi to eat in.*
Lots of other stuff I wont bore you with.
And yet ?
I feel blessed. I am finally feeling alive. Like I am living. I would not trade this for the world. And I love that it is not high or low. These few short weeks after my Christmas from H&ll? I have learned and grown so much. ( XXXXXXX was right about that. I can be an emotional Human Being . It is not a bad thing. I was just so full of bad/old/sad/hurt emotions .
I know my H and I have turned a corner. I also know that I won't go back. MY IGNORANCE was not bliss~ It was a living h&ll. Every post I read I would cry? No longer.
His journey may or may not be with me... nothing is set in stone.
He did say the other day he would trade everything he had and owned to be happy with me , to share his life with me. And that I am the most beautiful Woman he has ever met. Just words but it meant so much to me. ( he rarely gets "Hallmark " on me... he doesnt want me to get a big head... )
I have to keep trusting that he will grow. I have to keep letting go .... I have no control , never did and I don't want to.
Thanks XXX.. Really ... I am living with courage now. I can do this. and I am no longer stuck on trying.
Courage~
The ability to do something that frightens one... Strength in the face of pain or grief.... * found the definition on my kids Apple Laptop*
I know I did work too Lil. But thanks . My Family needs me, My girls are going to benefit from this and my Son too. I am also seeing how this is transforming who I can be with my kids. And who they will be even more. I always taught my kids to love , respect and be strong. I need to work more on the inner strength part and that it isn't selfish to be strong. I am now working extra hard with my S9. He is on his way to be a NMMNG.... he is too sweet like me. From you posting back to XXXXX about Byron Katie. So much has changed for me. Something told me to look her up? I still have yet to get her other books. I will and yet I am still amazed at how fast you can end suffering with her "work" Yes I am officially a GRANOLA EATING HIPPIE CHIC AND PROUD OF IT.
I know you arent going to believe this XXXX? I still can not believe it?
1. I told him his behavior is unacceptable and it has got to go. In so many words. I stood up for my self. He agreed.
2.MY H asked me last nite . "How do I get rid of all this anger Ali? I am tired of feeling this way."
Scarier part for me is he was serious. I explained the Byron Katie Method~ ( I did not say her name or that I was doing this ) He said he doesnt see how that will help, it cant just be b/c of believing his negative thoughts?But he would try.
Thank God I was sitting on the floor.
I even did a turn around for him using the example of when I wanted to let him go cause the convo was going south. And how he took it personal and believed his negative thoughts about me.
3.This morning he called and the chip on his shoulder ? Maybe he is giving it a break ? Even if just for one conversation . That was a relief , quite frankly. A blessing. He was polite and cheerful. He even told me this is who I am right now, I need to get thru this. Let me work thru it. Please dont try to talk me out of it ? Let me do it.
4. He also said. If I am wrong? Please tell me. Do not take it. Say something ok. Dont take it Ali.
I should maybe call the press? I think I even saw Jesus appear on the XXXX wallpaper in my kids room? While we were talking?????? JK~ you do know how Hispanics see this and call the press? NO? Sorry ,,,I just had to add that. I am very spiritual and religious even . Maybe there was an angel whispering in his ear? I dunno? Something changed? I am still in shock!~!~
I think I have mentioned this before? My H rarely if ever will say he is sorry , or I am going to make it up to you. So for him to say these things is shocking. Really.
I know now more than ever that I need to keep doing this. What he did yesterday? The "old " me , for lack of a better term? Would have just melted and cried and felt sorry for herself all nite. WHY me????????? How dare he, etc etc etc ... My feelings dont own me anymore. And that is just awesome.
I have come down with a nasty cold. I feel a little under the weather. But I am fine.
I love that I am fine and I can after all control my emotions and not be a slave to them. I am also excited XXXX , I am no longer waiting to live or living his emotions. I can be happy. I dont need to wait for him. I cant say it enough.
I see how this could be and so clearly this evening.
I just told my H very beautifully. Moments ago.
( cause he did say at the beggining of or conversation, LETS STOP PLAYING GAMES AND END THIS. He says this quite often. )
My truth~ That I love him but need to let him go. I did it and he didnt know what to say. I called his bluff and he wants me to call him tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! We talked, I told him he was mean to me. I told him sure I have made mistakes but I do not deserve to be treated the way you treat me. I told him, I am frustrated but I am doing the best I can, ( he got pissed cause I got upset and my voice was cracking some,)
I told him , you know what is amazing to me? I ALLOW you to be HUMAN and yet I am not allowed to be ever ...by you. The fact that I couldnt read a Map? You would call me names and cruel ones at that.
The fact that I dont drive like you ? You get pissed about it too?
When I was driving your truck? From XXXXXX home? With the kids , and I called you? Cause you told me to put OIL in , I realized I never asked you how much? I was in the middle of nowhere. WHERE YOU THERE FOR ME?
NO~ Did I throw it in your face ? No ~ Did I call you names? NO~ The level of OIL cannnot be checked at an accurate level when the engine is warm, you know cause I am such an idiot according to you, I know that,,,,, and so I needed you to tell me cause you drive it every day how much oil I could safely put in. I put in only 2 quarts you later told me it was more like a gallon for how long I had been driving. It turned out ok I never hurt you later or threw it in your face b/c in my mind you were not there for me. You do not see those things I do out of love for you. YOU are Human. You weren't there for me ,,,next time you will be , it is ok!~!~ I let it go. I never brought it up til now.
His neanderthal response?
WHAT THE [censored] DOES OIL HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Or maybe he was a redneck in his previous life? You know like that " get `er done " guy. Ok , Ok yes I am getting carried away....\Sorry/
Anyway... he then tells me , no matter how hard he tries , that every time he is done talking to me he feels like [censored]. ???? This was the first time I was so "brave and said things I felt. IN a very long time....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO~
I calmy told him....
You know what? with a knot in my throat.
I LOVE YOU, always have always will......... I always will. I will love you until the day I die... but I am not going to make you / obligate you to stay with me when I cause you so much pain. I meant it when I let you go with the OW. I mean it now. I love you but I am not going to ask you to stay with me when I cause you so much pain. I need to let you go.
He was like hUH? what do you mean?
I said ... I love you and when you love someone you want for them to be happy. It please you to see their happiness.... I want to see you happy and you are sayng I am the sole cause of your misery? So I need to let you go. I really do and I am ok with that b/c I love you.
I said it I meant it and I did not take it back...
He was speechless.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am really ok with that thought XXXX, I am ok with saying goodbye, sure it will hurt etc etc etc .
BUT I AM OK WITH LETTING HIM GO AND I FEEL GOOD. I REALLY AM OK WITH IT. It doesnt mean I don't love him.... I REALLY GET THAT NOW MORE THAN EVER. I USED TO FEEL IT,,, BUT MY EGO WOULDN'T LET HIM GO .... IT HURT TOO MUCH.
( he is probably wondering if I am on some sort of drug, no but seriously he didn't know what to do with that.)
I feel light as a feather?
I feel so relieved. I called his bluff once and for all with grace.
Before I said this?
I told him also he was mean. And he said how so? I said...
you talk to me like I am a dog, who the [censored] cares , [censored] you and I dont care , you don't like it too [censored] bad!!!!!!!
Once again I may be a lot of things but I am so tired of listening to that. It wears on you after while. I cannot be the beautiufl woman that I am when you keep knocing me down, IT is next to impossible. I am exhausted.
HE then offers this... I will not swear or call you names anymore if and when you don't say anything stupid.
I accepted but then of course I did not stay quiet.
he then said...
******* he doesnt like it when I do something after he told me to ... that then it means nothing....****
He had told me he hasnt been drinking.. I in my heart knew this and had said to him in reply. I knew that and thank you for sharing. How wonderful for you honey. I left it at that.
So I used that comment of his as an example of how he treats me/
Let me ask you this XXXXXX?
When you told me about the drinking? Was I rude?
NO..
OK? well I have mentioned to you in the past ? DO NOT DRINK , it is killing you.
So if I were like you? when you told me... instead of being respectful this is what you would have said....
OH , you arent drinking anymore, BIG [censored] DEAL!~! ARe you fuckign kidding me , gimme a break , like that is important. I went on and on ....
For some reason he stopped me and said I dont want to talk about this anymore.
?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry if this got long. I also feel like I have to tell you what I said ... I really think *I* am getting better.
I feel strong when I talk to him, frustrated but strong and not in a bitchy way but in a way that is real to me.
I am even going to say that I am happy. I see now that even if I give this my all he may never ever ever be nice or happy. he may and that would be a blessing. But *I* still remember one of your first posts to me in my darkest hours. HE MAY NEVER CHANGE ALI.
I accept that now and I acccpet it with some feelings but mostly with grace. The story is not over yet.... but I am ok with whatever outcome ... I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid XXX,, and that is priceless. I have read so may books and prayed so mcuh to just please feel like this.... Praise God... I am doing it ... I really am~!~
It's been a long road for you. Those posts are filled with anguish. It hurts to read some of it. I know you have moments of strength and joy in them as well.
You keep focusing on you. You do it beautifully and I think you will find a happy place in this life.
I'm going to send all kinds of energy (a shitstorm of energy) to your husband. I hope he sees the light, for once and for all. I hope he reads, grows, and learns. I hope he stops acting out in anger when he feels he isn't getting what he wants from you. I hope he realizes that his happiness is up to him. I hope he finally sees his gifts in life, finds gratitude for them, and learns how to revere them without falter. Tisk on me, but I do want him to change (the forbidden wish) so that you can truly feel peace in your love for him.
It's been a long road for you. Those posts are filled with anguish. It hurts to read some of it. I know you have moments of strength and joy in them as well.
You keep focusing on you. You do it beautifully and I think you will find a happy place in this life.
I'm going to send all kinds of energy (a shitstorm of energy) to your husband. I hope he sees the light, for once and for all. I hope he reads, grows, and learns. I hope he stops acting out in anger when he feels he isn't getting what he wants from you. I hope he realizes that his happiness is up to him. I hope he finally sees his gifts in life, finds gratitude for them, and learns how to revere them without falter. Tisk on me, but I do want him to change (the forbidden wish) so that you can truly feel peace in your love for him.
I dunno if he ever will? When he feels right like Lucky says. I see my faults and honor change , he does not?
I dont see how even if I give from my forbidden place with passion and zeal? That he will be magically Happy. I am no longer trying to see it and I do think that is bad, I dunno.
He is tired. I am tired too.
I will always love him ... I want to feel peace in my love too Lucy great way to put it.
I have to forgive myself for loving someone so broken and he still blames me????
Thanks you all, I am feeling sort of down today...
He wants us to move?
It wont fix anything? we have to fix ourselves.
Love, Ali
The most amazing part is you feel my anguish, and he says I have no right to be sad, I have everything. ?
????? Thank GOD .. I am better .... and on my way to becoming the person I should have always been.
I'm sorry you are down, Ali. I didn't want to "push you down" with all of my digging today. I have so much compassion for you. I see what a soulful, beautiful, giving person you are. It makes me want to protect you and help you. But you are a grown woman and you are taking charge of your life. I have to make sure that I help you in productive ways. Like praying.
I'm sorry you are down, Ali. I didn't want to "push you down" with all of my digging today. I have so much compassion for you. I see what a soulful, beautiful, giving person you are. It makes me want to protect you and help you. But you are a grown woman and you are taking charge of your life. I have to make sure that I help you in productive ways. Like praying.
Lucky
Oh you are so sweet. You didnt push me down love. I feel a bit down cause my H sounds like someone told him he has nothing to live for. But I am fine.
