At the moment she hears your request, she is likely to crinkle her nose in mock discust, or even outright say something like "oh GOOD LORD, that is so inappropriate for a woman my age" or "you are such a pervert".
JUST EXPECT THIS but don't let it sway you! Don't let it frighten you into thinking that she will refuse you. She won't! She just isn't adept at being outwardly sexual so it makes her uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean she won't do it for you, and more importantly, she will actually LIKE it on some level, trust me!
Just ignore her attempts to poo-poo you, and allow her to express this without it making you back down or "feel bad" for making her do something she doesn't want to do.
She DOES want to please you, so keep that in mind!
Ok just got back from the book store. Got NMMNG and The Joy of Sensual Massage. Decided to go with "Joy" since it is illustrated and does not have photos of actual couples, which might be a turn off for W.
DQ your post about the marathons and your deep connection is wonderful and I am overjoyed for you. I am so glad that you have found your way back to one another.
===================== WARNING RANT MODE ON:
It made me think I will never get anywhere near this type of connection though. I want this connection... but she doesn't. It is really depressing me, I hate to say it. I had a sinking feeling in my heart knowing that it can never be like the way I truly dream of with her. I have said many times that for me this is not about sex or "instant gratification" as W has bluntly put it before. I married so I could connect with one person on a very deep level and she wants nothing to do with it.
Here I am hoping for a nice afternoon of connection with my W and all I will get is about 30 minutes (if that) of her tolerating me touching her. I know that this is a rotten attitude but in my heart I know it is the truth, she tolerates me and nothing more. Is there any hope for us at all?
God knows I want to be a positive influence in her life, I want that connection with her. It hurts so much to want this so badly and never even scratch the surface.
It's just the way I'm feeling at this moment.
END OF RANT ===========
I will do my very best to be assertive, light hearted and fun as I spend my day with W tomorrow. She did agree to a day with me and I know she does love me. We do have fun together when we don't let all of the other stuff get in our way.
I'll start reading NMMNG right away. No Study needed on massage, we'll just look at that a try things together.
Forget the length of time, Cinco. Most of us mere mortals don't get to have marathons. Just lose yourself and connect so that however long you have is the most meaningful, fulfilling, and beautiful possible. The better it is, the more likely you can work your way up to a marathon. (Or maybe an hour...)
Yes - what Lucky said - - remember that YOU can feel the connection even if your partner cannot. Focus on YOU and how you feel, not on how you fear she is just trying to get it over with.
One of the most important things my man has taught me is that, if you are a good lover, then you can have a good sexual experience even with a partner who is not a good lover.
Does that resonate at all? Can you try to read between the lines here?
I do lose myself and have a good time. I even feel connected once in a while.
But for her... she feels like I just want to use her. If she doesn't want this and gets very little out of it for herself, then why do it at all? We had this discussion not long ago where "I want her to want me."
Her reply was "I do this because I love you H."
It's not that she's can't be a good lover, it's that she doesn't want to be a lover at all anymore and I don't understand why.
Why on earth would anyone ever want to give up something that makes you feel so alive and vibrant? If I hear "we're just getting old and it isn't the same now" one more time I may lose it.
Can you tell I'm just so frustrated with her attitude towards having a beautiful relationship vs. a so-so one?
"Why on earth would anyone ever want to give up something that makes you feel so alive and vibrant?"
Because it doesn't make HER feel alive and vibrant. And you can't change that for her, hun.
You can maybe help her change it for herself though....
Just realize that, no matter how confusing it is TO YOU because TO YOU sex makes you feel vibrant and alive....it doesn't matter because you are having to deal with how it feels TO HER.
With some openness on her part toward understanding, she may be able to feel vibrant and alive from sex as well....
But this is yet to be seen and you can only do what you can do.
First step, however, is to ACCEPT that TO HER, it is not something that makes her feel vibrant and alive. And there is nothing wrong with her, she is allowed to feel how she feels, for whatever reasons.
Is she on birth control pills? As we all know, I am HD. When I was on the pill for a stretch of 6 years, I was DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. No joke. I really didn't have any physical urge at all. I didn't know why, and I didn't care to find out because I was so afraid of getting pregnant there was no way I was going off the pill. Within a couple of weeks of going off the pill, I was ALIVE again. (Gee. Between those 6 years and these 8 years, I sure have missed out on a lot of sexy time. My Mother and the Blessed Virgin Mary (according to my Mother) would be so pleased.)
Did she ever love sex? Before you? In the beginning of her sexuality? Have you had that kind of talk? (You probably have and I just don't have access to your very old posts.)
Of course, DQ is right. You must accept to her what she is right now. It will free her mind from the constant pressure of not being able to please you. (And open it up for forward-thinking.)
I get so caught up in my own feelings I forget that she has feelings too. I can't invalidate her feelings because they don't match my own. I have been wrong in my thinking of her as being "faulty" and needing "fixing".
NO pill for like 17 years now. I just got a vasectomy almost 3 months ago so maybe one more condom before they become unnecessary (Yay!)
About 4 years into our M we had a talk about how she really could take or leave sex. There was a time when she really loved sex... that was before my time though... argh
