Well...

[Rob1231]

I'm glad you've never found anything. And yes, someone who's never been in our position can't understand that compulsion...that sense of never being 100%. I miss that trust and faith so much, and I don't see that I will ever get that back.

Part of me says that's part of "growing up" - putting the innocence of youth behind. But, that's just the cynical old fart part of me talking.

I have to say, I'd actually backed off a lot from it. However, after Christmas I put forth some extra effort to get access to something to check it all out. STRANGELY I was sort of comforted to find out that contact didn't start up again all of a sudden; it had just never ceased. I know that may sound weird, but if things are generally good with us and contact is still happening AND I never noticed anything, then it becomes less of a worry/crisis. That may make no sense to anyone else, but the best thing I did was dig deeper than what I'd originally found to see the big picture.

Yeah, that actually does make sense to me.

Ah yes, but it gives me a perverse pleasure to know she has become EVEN MORE of a hag. Surely you can give me that sweet, sweet pleasure.

You got it! Just more proof that the typical screwed up MLCer "trades down", eh?

Yes, I know she's a symptom, and it's not even about her. It's about H...about how dang frustrated I am to have gone through as much MC as we did and to have personally worked as hard as I have on our M only to have him doing the same sh*t that contributed to the demise of our M in the first place.
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I don't know what else I could possibly do on that front. At some point it has to be his responsibility, right?

Yep, yep, YEP!

I finally told him I knew about The Letter at the end of December. He said that his IC had told him to write it as a way to express himself and get his feelings off his chest. I asked if she'd told him to write multiple drafts including one that begged her to consider him, and he had no answer. His main response was, "That was TWO years ago!" I also told him then (as I'd told him a couple of times before) that his emotional attachment had hurt me in a way that sex with her never could...that the emotional attachment was by far the worst thing anyone had ever done to hurt me. I don't know how to spell it out any plainer than that.

Good for you! I know how very tough that must have been. But I think that, in your case, that you needed to get that off of your chest.

Ya know, I have never confessed all of my snooping to my W. I applied the rule "Will this get me closer to my goals, or not?" and this was the best answer. However, if she was still in contact with that PoS OM, I believe it would be a much different story at this stage of the game.

Can I confess something here? You might remember I developed a friendship with a guy while H and I were going through all of this...he was going through something similar with an ex-GF. Although we kept it platonic, we were both really attracted to each other. Ultimately, we ended our contact with each other out of respect to H as we were reconciling.

Well, there are times I wish I'd gone ahead and cheated on H. Let him feel even a fraction of the pain he caused me and has NEVER apologized for.
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There have been times, lately, where I've fantasized about calling my friend up and doing just that. Not nice, but it's honest and true and I would never act on it.

I hear ya, SD. I think everybody has revenge fantasies from time to time. But, bottom line, you're better than that.

Still doesn't get or care...or maybe can't accept that he did such a horrible, human thing. 'Cause H is the "good guy" to everyone, considers himself an upstanding human being, and to admit what he did and how badly he hurt me might be impossible to his self image. He preserves that picture at all costs...hence the martyrdom.

Maybe that's your lever. You COULD just keep peeling away that veneer of the "good guy" with regards to his contacting LW. You know, regularly ask him out of the blue, "So, had any long chats with your adulterous b!tch mistress today?" Nah, I don't think you should do that. But it's tempting, eh? Tear down that fantasy.

Jumping through lots of very good stuff to my favorite part:

Yesterday he told me I've been amazing lately, that he's so proud of me. I don't know what to think of that; I sort of feel like he's my parent or my teacher. So I earned a gold star? I want to be loved because of me, not because I've been a Very Good Girl. Incidentally, his number and duration of contacts with LW have decreased significantly since I stepped it up. Not gone, but way less. Stupid nasty band aid. You know, that gooey one floating in the pool.

Now this time, I think you are over-thinking it. Take it at face value, girl. You HAVE been amazing lately. Hell, you've been amazing for quite a while, but it's nice that he's finally noticing. Don't spin his being proud of you into something insincere or condescending. You are a terrific woman, and any man with half a brain would be D@MN proud to have you. Just smile and enjoy the compliment.

So, that's it. Glad you chimed in as you always make me think. Plus I miss you guys...we spent a long, long summer and then some together.

I think of you and Jen (and lots other DBers too, but most especially you two) as some of the best friends I have ever had. Any time you want to just keep in touch without the DB atmosphere floating around, don't forget that we're over in the Alternate Universe too. Be happy to see you there.

Speaking of which, really cool news! W, D16 and I are going to take a trip to the UK this summer (assuming we don't lose all our savings in the financial mess, that is.) I'm already lining up Jen to go out to a London pub some afternoon. Is that cool or WHAT?

I just wonder when I won't worry or wonder anymore, you know?

I do know. It keeps improving for me with time - long, long periods go by now, where I don't think back on the Bad Old Days. Life is good, and getting better all the time.