I see how this could be and so clearly this evening.
I just told my H very beautifully. Moments ago.
( cause he did say at the beggining of or conversation, LETS STOP PLAYING GAMES AND END THIS. He says this quite often. )
My truth~ That I love him but need to let him go. I did it and he didnt know what to say. I called his bluff and he wants me to call him tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! We talked, I told him he was mean to me. I told him sure I have made mistakes but I do not deserve to be treated the way you treat me. I told him, I am frustrated but I am doing the best I can, ( he got pissed cause I got upset and my voice was cracking some,)
I told him , you know what is amazing to me? I ALLOW you to be HUMAN and yet I am not allowed to be ever ...by you. The fact that I couldnt read a Map? You would call me names and cruel ones at that.
The fact that I dont drive like you ? You get pissed about it too?
When I was driving your truck? From XXXXXX home? With the kids , and I called you? Cause you told me to put OIL in , I realized I never asked you how much? I was in the middle of nowhere. WHERE YOU THERE FOR ME?
NO~ Did I throw it in your face ? No ~ Did I call you names? NO~ The level of OIL cannnot be checked at an accurate level when the engine is warm, you know cause I am such an idiot according to you, I know that,,,,, and so I needed you to tell me cause you drive it every day how much oil I could safely put in. I put in only 2 quarts you later told me it was more like a gallon for how long I had been driving. It turned out ok I never hurt you later or threw it in your face b/c in my mind you were not there for me. You do not see those things I do out of love for you. YOU are Human. You weren't there for me ,,,next time you will be , it is ok!~!~ I let it go. I never brought it up til now.
His neanderthal response?
WHAT THE [censored] DOES OIL HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Or maybe he was a redneck in his previous life? You know like that " get `er done " guy. Ok , Ok yes I am getting carried away....\Sorry/
Anyway... he then tells me , no matter how hard he tries , that every time he is done talking to me he feels like [censored]. ???? This was the first time I was so "brave and said things I felt. IN a very long time....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO~
I calmy told him....
You know what? with a knot in my throat.
I LOVE YOU, always have always will......... I always will. I will love you until the day I die... but I am not going to make you / obligate you to stay with me when I cause you so much pain. I meant it when I let you go with the OW. I mean it now. I love you but I am not going to ask you to stay with me when I cause you so much pain. I need to let you go.
He was like hUH? what do you mean?
I said ... I love you and when you love someone you want for them to be happy. It please you to see their happiness.... I want to see you happy and you are sayng I am the sole cause of your misery? So I need to let you go. I really do and I am ok with that b/c I love you.
I said it I meant it and I did not take it back...
He was speechless.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am really ok with that thought XXXX, I am ok with saying goodbye, sure it will hurt etc etc etc .
BUT I AM OK WITH LETTING HIM GO AND I FEEL GOOD. I REALLY AM OK WITH IT. It doesnt mean I don't love him.... I REALLY GET THAT NOW MORE THAN EVER. I USED TO FEEL IT,,, BUT MY EGO WOULDN'T LET HIM GO .... IT HURT TOO MUCH.
( he is probably wondering if I am on some sort of drug, no but seriously he didn't know what to do with that.)
I feel light as a feather?
I feel so relieved. I called his bluff once and for all with grace.
Before I said this?
I told him also he was mean. And he said how so? I said...
you talk to me like I am a dog, who the [censored] cares , [censored] you and I dont care , you don't like it too [censored] bad!!!!!!!
Once again I may be a lot of things but I am so tired of listening to that. It wears on you after while. I cannot be the beautiufl woman that I am when you keep knocing me down, IT is next to impossible. I am exhausted.
HE then offers this... I will not swear or call you names anymore if and when you don't say anything stupid.
I accepted but then of course I did not stay quiet.
he then said...
******* he doesnt like it when I do something after he told me to ... that then it means nothing....****
He had told me he hasnt been drinking.. I in my heart knew this and had said to him in reply. I knew that and thank you for sharing. How wonderful for you honey. I left it at that.
So I used that comment of his as an example of how he treats me/
Let me ask you this XXXXXX?
When you told me about the drinking? Was I rude?
NO..
OK? well I have mentioned to you in the past ? DO NOT DRINK , it is killing you.
So if I were like you? when you told me... instead of being respectful this is what you would have said....
OH , you arent drinking anymore, BIG [censored] DEAL!~! ARe you fuckign kidding me , gimme a break , like that is important. I went on and on ....
For some reason he stopped me and said I dont want to talk about this anymore.
?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry if this got long. I also feel like I have to tell you what I said ... I really think *I* am getting better.
I feel strong when I talk to him, frustrated but strong and not in a bitchy way but in a way that is real to me.
I am even going to say that I am happy. I see now that even if I give this my all he may never ever ever be nice or happy. he may and that would be a blessing. But *I* still remember one of your first posts to me in my darkest hours. HE MAY NEVER CHANGE ALI.
I accept that now and I acccpet it with some feelings but mostly with grace. The story is not over yet.... but I am ok with whatever outcome ... I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid XXX,, and that is priceless. I have read so may books and prayed so mcuh to just please feel like this.... Praise God... I am doing it ... I really am~!~
