Exposing at EA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Of course.

I'd suggest going thru them, confirming what we all know is going to be on there, and then CANCELING HER ACCOUNT.

TELL her that's what you're doing, and say "I'm no longer willing to financially enable your affair, so you'll have to get -- and pay for -- your own cellphone."

I'd also suggest looking at any other expenses where you are helping to subsidize her infidelity.

Save the phone records.

Puppy

[WaitingPatiently]

Mr.M,

I've been following your sit and it sounds so much like my own. I do believe that your W is involved in an EA (maybe even a PA, considering the comment about his appearance???). My wife tried to say the same thing about the man she spent endless hours talking to (by the way, get, review, and KEEP the cell phone records, and then cancel her account like Puppy said). My W took her cell off of our account months before she dropped the bomb. I saw it as a huge warning sign at the time but I didn't do anything about it b/c I was afraid that she would see anything I did as controlling, etc. I would not expose her EA/PA to anyone who does not need to know!!! I made that mistake. Family won't change her mind anyhow. It will only complicate things and likely push her into the arms of the OM, just like Sandi said. Think of this way, if you do the exposing she no longer has to hide. You will be horrible in her eyes for humiliating her and she will have every excuse in the world to move forward with the OM. Believe me, I made this mistake and REALLY regret it. Keep your list of confidants very, very short (like maybe just one very trust worthy person who is not connected to your w).

WP

[Still Waters]

Thanks Puppy and WP, that's some good advice from both of you, as always. I'm not going to tell anyone about what I find except for my W.

My W actually changed the online account password for her phone (she had access to it), but my name is still on the account so I was able to request paper copies of bills even though I can't log in online anymore (the only way to reset the password is to have a temp one sent to the phone, which she of course has). When she asked me to put the account in her name she said "You have to call and make the change. The only way I could do it myself is if I had someone pretend to be you and I didn't want to do that."

OK now, why would you even THINK about getting someone to pretend they were me (which I'm pretty sure is illegal) just to change the name on the account? Does she not realize how transparent she's being? It's obvious she tried to think of ways to change it without me knowing. No one would go through that thought process unless they were hiding something.

Because the thing is, I've had her email password for months and never saw anything suspicious. Now it's starting to make sense why. She knew I had that password so she only used her phone, IM, and I'm sure texting, to contact the OM.

Well, people tend to get tripped up in their web of lies sooner or later. There's always that one little thing they forget to cover up, and for my W it sounds like it was her phone.

[Still Waters]

And yes, WP, that comment about OM's appearance was so telling. She could have just said "I don't find him attractive." But instead it was "He's REPULSIVE!" Would you ever say that about a very close friend of yours who you clearly have a close relationship with?

Just another piece in this awful puzzle that I wish so badly I never had to piece together.

[WaitingPatiently]

I have found that truth comes in layers, if it comes at all. I continue to discover new and even more horrifying things. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I'm a Christian, and what I am really beginning to struggle with is the judgement I am passing on my W for all of this. I don't want to just sit back and judge her because we are all sinners and all make mistakes, so it's hard to step back and not do that, but at the same time she just continues in this horrible cycle and won't/can't stop. Anyhow, I guess my point is to try to extend grace to your W and recognize that while she is hurting you and lying to you, you too are an imperfect person capable of the same kinds of sins. While I'm not advocating that you become a doormat, I am saying you should remember your love for your W through this and just be careful not to let hate mix in with that. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is a lesson I learned and am learning.

WP

[pearlharbr]

MrM

Just getting caught up on your sitch. Denial is not just a river in Egypt! I knew about xBF's EA and had proof (emails) that he was lying to me about it. He only just admitted to all the lies during the convo we had the night I threw him out of the house. "I guess I was just in denial." You think?

I second the other advice you've received regarding snooping. Do only enough so you're sure, the rest will only hurt you. I learned this the hard way.

I did not take the other advice and have revealed xBF's A to his parents and best friend, as well as anyone who specifically asks me if that is what is going on. I don't know if that will help or hurt the situation in the end, but honestly I don't care anymore. His family is so nonconfrontational that I knew they would never discuss it with him. I told his parents so they knew why I didn't show up for Christmas. I told his best friend because we are their daughter's godparents and named as guardians in their wills and I felt they deserved to know the truth about what's going on.

I think you need to make the decision for yourself, but know there is no pat right or wrong answer.

You sound like you have a great plan and are doing everything you can do at this point.

[Still Waters]

No matter what I find on the phone bills (which I just learned include details of not only every call but every text she sent), I will make it clear to my W that I'm willing to forgive her and fully commit to working on our M. But only if she cuts it off completely with the OM. Until she does that, then she and I have nothing to talk about.

I know that I am far from perfect, and that her affair is a symptom of a marriage that she and I both created. That's why I'm willing to forgive her. But not if the lying and deceit goes on and on and on. I have patience, and I can forgive, but both of those things have their limits.

And while I'm not a deeply religious man, I do believe that when you stand up in front of your family and vow to love, support, and honor someone as long as they live, then that's a vow you keep. At the very least you give it every ounce of strength you have before giving up on a promise like that.

[Still Waters]

Just got an email from my W. Says she's really stressed about everything (with us) and wants to talk tonight over the phone. This is after I told her I needed some time and space for myself.

What should I do? Talk to her tonight?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just got an email from my W. Says she's really stressed about everything (with us) and wants to talk tonight over the phone. This is after I told her I needed some time and space for myself.

What should I do? Talk to her tonight?

No. Tell her "I'm not up for this right now. I'll get back with you very soon to set up a time that's good for both of us."

SET THE AGENDA. LEAD.

Pupppy

[Still Waters]

OK Puppy, I need your advice or anyone else who has experience dealing with affairs.

I did tell my W that I need to hold off on us talking, but I have a suspicion that she's going to confess her affair. She's saying things like "I really need to get something off my chest" and "I'm really stressed out and have something important I need to tell you in person."

This all comes after this weekend when I helped her move. Two of her girlfriends were there and I was absolutely golden the entire time. I looked good, I cracked jokes with all of them, and I left the second the last box was moved in. I think that maybe the guilt is starting to kill her because I've been so strong and supportive during this whole thing.

So my question is, what's the best way to respond if she does confess? I'm thinking I'll tell her that as long as she has any contact with this guy that she and I have nothing to talk about. I want to tell her that I'm not perfect either, that people make mistakes, and that I can and will forgive her. But only if she cuts off all contact and ends the affair.

Of course I have no idea if she is going to confess, and even if she does I don't know if she'll do so to ask for a second chance or just to tell me that she's in love with the OM (seems more likely). But I want to be prepared for anything since that's how I've been operating lately and it's always the best way to go. The Boy Scouts motto rings true in the world of DB: "Always be prepared."