Trying to let go........with love!

[sandycay]

I might could swing that. What time? Can you peek at my thread?


A pink tool belt = No

Garter belt = yes

[Silent Chrleader]

I e-mailed ya' and yes, I posted on your thread.....Hang in there, mi amiga!!!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Boy, am I in a funk!!!!

I keep thinking of H and no matter how much I push the thoughts away, they keep coming back! I haven't spoken with him or anything and I don't want to really.......I just hate feeling this way!!

I'm going to IC today......hopefully I'll feel better after that......I usually do come out feeling positive.

I looked at H's and my "Love Horoscope" for the month..... The showed the following.....

Start Love Behind the Scenes
Although there are times when you love to be in the spotlight, you are often more comfortable in quiet, out-of-the-way places where you can slowly warm up to somebody new. For the first half of February you may spend additional time in the shadows, avoiding notice and appreciating more privacy. The Sun will be in your secretive 12th House until February 18, leaving you more chances to connect with someone away from prying eyes. There may be times when you feel ignored yet it's best not to make a big deal out of this. Anything short of out and out abuse is best ignored since you may need this time to rest, relax and reflect on where you stand in relationships and what should be the next steps to take.
On February 18 the life-giving Sun enters Pisces to push you into the foreground. This begins four plus weeks of positive energy that will warm you with self-confidence and nourish you with creativity. It is time to step forward with a new look or a fresh attitude, a moment to take charge of your relationship life instead of waiting for someone else to make the first move. In fact, you may sense your personal power rising as early as February 16 when vivacious Venus cuddles up to your ruling planet Jupiter, followed by Mars' union with Jupiter that is likely to motivate you to take positive action. Another special moment comes on February 23 when your mind awakens to a new perception of relationships and fresh connections are easier to make.

Take Time to Heal
If you're feeling a little off when it comes to personal matters, give yourself a break for the first half of February. So many planets are in your 6th House of Work and Service that it can be difficult to feel free enough to enjoy the company of another person. Your ruling planet Mercury turns forward on the first and will take a couple of weeks to get up to speed. Awkwardness in communication or delays in getting messages may linger. If you've been keeping secrets (even from yourself), the Full Moon on February 9 might spill the beans. The Full Moon in dramatic Leo falls in your very private 12th House where it can cast light on hidden matters. If you're considering exposing something significant about yourself, it's probably wise to do it before then to better control the outcome.
Powerful feelings you've tried to keep to yourself can shed light on relationships. If you're connected to an unreliable or selfish individual, though, this can be a time when his or her behavior becomes more apparent. A major shift starts on February 18 when the Sun enters your 7th House of Partnership, opening a month-long window of opportunity to meet someone new or heal an existing union. It's vital to forgive yourself for any so-called mistakes and to be more flexible with others. Dreamy Pisces is in this part of your chart to remind you that you need a mate with imagination and faith to go with your more logical and critical ways of viewing reality.

Hmmmmmm.........interesting.......I especially like the last sentence on H's.

I just hope it doesn't mean he's going to meet some other Pisces woman!

[dl443322]

Hey SC, you have to stop trying to figure out what h is thinking and feeling - just STOP it in its tracks! You are spinning your wheels and it gets you nowhere - believe me.

They are in MLC. Their though processes are unlike "normal" people. There is no way to get from point A to point B in their brains.

So, live your life, try to have little contact, and be the best SC you can be. Leave him and his wacky brain on their own.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey, you just concentrate on you. do what you need to protect yourself in case something does happen, and just stop trying to figure him out. cause you can't, and neither can he.

you just figure out YOU.

[sunshinelewis]

ok guys, I have been reading all the posts and silentchrleader your husband sounds ALOT like mine. One exception we are already Divorced. My xh seems scared to get near me. Once he was in the house (my house) to pick up something and he went into the bathroom. Now mind you we have been married (had) for almost 20 years, but when I opened the bathroom door (because I couldnt hear what he was saying), he went off in a tantrum screaming "Close the Door!!!"lol. Like I havent seen it before. lol. Why do they do this? It's like he is scared to death of me touching him. Once during seperation we were talking and I asked for a hug, he gave me one, but it was like a teenage boy hugging for the first time. Crazy!
My xh and I can have very good conversations at times, as long as I talk about what he wants to talk about, without even knowing it he reveals to me his experiences with other women, I would say ow, but according to him, he has many. Although he did have one in particular that I think he fell for (the first one he kissed according to him, after seperation.) She broke it off and he kinda jumps around now, in search, I guess. When I questioned his feelings for her, he did tell me she was like a favorite "toy". I try not to question him anymore, I just wind up hearing something I dont want to hear. He will even warn me of this sometimes.
My xh has told me things that surprise me. He told me just the other day that no one compared to me sexually. Boy, I really wanted to hear that, being compared to other women. (how could I think him enough!)
I asked my xh once if he could describe it, what would be the perfect relationship right now for us according to him. He said he would like to talk to me once a week or every 2 weeks. I asked him why, he said because of son. I said son has his own cell phone. He said, well he wanted to check in on me about finances, that son didnt know those things. (whatever).
Since then we have talked almost every day. He tells me he only wants to speak with me once a day, and goes OFF THE WALL, if I call him more than that. BUT one day I spoke with him about a payment he was suppose to take care of and he tried to call me back, I was upset, so I didnt answer the phon, he called 3 times! Now I have voice mail, so I was hoping he would leave a message, I drove to his work and asked him to come outside, he refused and I said ok I am coming in. I wanted to know why he was calling and didnt leave me a message. He came out and said, oh, I just wanted to let you know I took care of the payment. I asked why couldnt he leave a voice mail, and he said he didnt DO voice mails. I said well you better learn! (although he hasnt ever left me a voice mail). It's like he wants no evidence of contact from him. Paranoia!!!!
Well sorry I wrote a book, but I find it interseting how they all do and say similiar things. I try to be nice, but are we suppose to be nice all the time? I have only been sep 5 months, divorced almost 2. I am still ANGRY!!! Help!
With GOD'S grace I will make it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, [[[BM and ST]]], for your posts.

You are completely right that I need to just not even think about H and concentrate on me and being happy in myself! I know this!! I really do!!

I get so frustrated at myself sometimes! It's like a part of me stands outside of me and sees what I am doing and says "You freakin' idiot! You know what to do, so just do it, and stop the BS!!!"

It seems I go on for a while doing just fine and then I just gotta crash. And, although it seems to be a little longer in between each crash, in some the ways, the crash feels worse because it feels like I am being dropped from a higher place. Sorta like I'm climbing a ladder, and each time I get a little further, but it also hurts a lot worse when I fall, ya' know?

So, confession time.......I backslid in a big way again today. I'll try to be brief (I know....that would be a first for me!)

H called me while I was on my way to IC to talk about the bills and plan for working on house this weekend. He said he would not be able to work on it Thursday or Friday because he had plans......you guessed it....I asked (mistake #1). He is having dinner with new boss on Thursday, and Friday having dinner with his BF and BF's W. I think this is unusual because he would normally get together only with BF alone.......

So I asked (mistake #2).....If H was dating anyone, would he tell me......Answer: "Maybe....I did tell you I had had drinks a couple of times with co-worker's sister."........I said "So, you are dating...." H's said "I wouldn't call it that yet." Says she is "Good company.".......We finish up talk with plan on house projects this weekend.

(Mistake #3) I call H back and tell him I have a question......H tells me to go ahead and ask but he may not answer......I ask "Why are you unwilling to do MC with me?".....I tell him that we had MC almost 18 years ago, but that doesn't count now. Because of our D24 and her issues, we have been in "family" C a lot over the years, but not MC. And even though we have been seeing a C for the past 9 months, we have done NO MC! I told him that this was the one thing that I had difficulty accepting. My mom left my dad after 30 years of marriage, and I never faulted her for leaving, I only faulted her for the fact that she did not go back and get MC with my dad when he offered (which was a big concession for my Dad). I always thought that it might not save their marriage, but at least there would have been understanding. H knew this was a big issue for me and always agreed that we would never make the same mistake...

H tells me that he is actually willing to talk about "Why" in my next session with C. He asked when my next session was (Next Wednesday) and said he would join me........ I thanked him, but also told him I was a little scared of what he would say.

I had a really tough session with C. He doesn't see H slowing down or looking back at all from the direction he is taking. In fact, he feels that H is more withdrawn from the M than ever. C says that he doesn't see H changing any time soon if ever. C doesn't understand how H could change so much, but he can't tell H that he "wrong". C doesn't do those moral judgements. He can only discuss choices and consequences. C was amazed that H actually sat in C's office and said "I know it's selfish, but right now I don't care". C says that he has seen a lot of couples recently in his practice who are just throwing away long term marriages. It's like an epidemic. I cried a LOT in session, and left feeling drained.

On the drive to meet sandycay, I called to leave VM on H's cell to tell him of change in scheduled session time for him tomorrow and next week. Didn't get VM, H answered........I gave him the schedule info. H started telling me all about the woman he has hired as his replacement since he is to the brand new facility. He said she is like a female H! She was in the military....has twin S17s that she is ready to throw out the window......wears a ring, but doesn't appear to be married.....even went to barber school on a lark while in the military (H went to barber school to get off the submarine for 12 weeks when we were dating). H's co-workers teased him that they didn't know they could do "cross gender clones". This woman said that she accepted the position because she is looking forward to working with H, and having his mentorship.....

I tell H that she sounds great!.......I then tell him that I did not mean to back him into a corner with my question earlier......H says he didn't feel cornered. I ask him if he's going to spring any major surprised on me. His reply "I don't think so."........

I then asked if he was going to take co-worker's sister to dinner with him and BF and BF's W. (yep, mistake #.....I figure at this point, I figure today is a bust anyway, so in for a penny in for a pound). H's reply was "No", and he went on to explain how he came to be having dinner with them........

So, I asked him if he ever thought that he might someday be willing to work on us.......he said that he honestly never gave it any thought. He said he is happy with what he is doing and feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he wants to continue. He said he knows I think he will be re-married in a year, but he doesn't think he will. He does not want the "expense" of a R right now. I said "and yet you're dating". He said, sure he doesn't rule out anything and it's exciting to spend time with other women, but.......I said, "Well it sounds like you might have found your soul mate in your replacement at work." He said "Maybe, and only time will tell."

H said we would talk about it more in C next week. I told him what C had said about the epidemic of long term marriages breaking up. H said that there are lots of reasons that relationships wither and die, and that the attraction or desire is no longer there. I said that I believed that I deserved at least a chance, and H said that it wasn't about what I deserved, it was about "being is counseling with D24 for years, family members living with us, pets tearing up the carpets, the house is a sty, S17 is running amok...." I told him to remember that he helped to build all that, and that now he has just run away and left me with it all! H then said he didn't leave it all to me, as he was taking care of most of it now...

I then thanked H for his honesty and told him that I understood his feelings on all those things! I really do. I understand his desire for freedom, and his feelings of not wanting everything to be such a stuggle. I feel the same! I just don't agree that the answer is to throw away a marriage! I told him that I meant it when I made my vows and I still mean it. I told him that I do know my love is strong enough to let him go if that is what it takes for him to be happy. But, I told him that I did believe that we could be happy if we worked together on it, and that I would always love him.

He said "So I'll see you on Saturday to work on the house?" I said sure......I plan to show up with a tool-belt on and I'm going to "as if" and PMA my a** off!! And I may even go over to the house between now and then to do some work on my own. I asked him what he would want done, and he told me, so it wouldn't be a surprise or anything. But, it is still a 180 for me.

So, after I hung up, I went and had dinner and a couple of drinks with my new best bud, sandycay! [Sandy, you have no idea how much you helped me tonight!!! You are a real gem, and I am so very thankful to have you as a friend!!]

I know I deserve a whole lumberyard full of 2x4s, but really there is no need. I know already. I'm back to square one......in a miserable heap at the bottom of that darn ladder!!

I guess I need to get up, dust myself off, and start climbing again!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Sunshine!

I guess you were writing your post when I was doing mine. As you can see, I'm no stranger to the "long post" thing, so please feel free anytime to write me a novel.

Yep, it makes no sense. I don't understand it. How can somebody change their very character so much? I sometimes think that it's just impossible really, so they have to "come to their senses" eventually, right?

I know I should just let it all go and take care of me. I don't even want the man he is now. I am a good woman and I will be loved again......but then I can't imagine feeling for anyone what I feel for H.

It really is a rollercoaster ride, and I hate it! Mostly I get angry with myself for not being able to fully let go. I know I should. I want to. But, it all still gets the better of me. I wish I had a switch and could just turn it off!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[sandycay]

I was reading your post and last night was fun and needed. I was thinking about your husbands friday night gig. I was thinking maybe his friend can't go out with your H alone anymore because his wife wouldn't want her H hanging out with your H alone. Just food for thought. I know I wouldn't like that.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, sandy.

That's a good hypothesis, but I know that H has not told BF about the PA. BF is actually the one that hired OW 8 years ago when they both worked at H's previous employer. In fact, that's possibly part of H's mindset against even trying to reconcile with me, because it would mean complete severing of all contact with OW, and she is part of that social circle with BF, and would likely be included in social activities. Thus, putting H in the uncomfortable position of either completely coming clean with BF, which he won't do because he has always been in a role of mentor to BF since BF was "one of his guys" in the Navy, or breaking off/severely limiting his contact with BF. I can't see H being willing to do either of those things.

And H has told them that we are in counseling, so they think it's MC, and that H is just the upstanding guy.

And, hey, I feel like I just whined and complained all evening last night and didn't talk very much about your sitch. I'm sorry for that, but I do thank you very much for your kind support and encouragement at my pity party!

[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]