It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

One thing I have learned from my husband is that he very, very carefully watches my responses WHENEVER he shares feelings with me. He has always kept his feelings inside. He told the MC he does that either to avoid a fight with me or to avoid hurting me.
Yes, that's what H has said too.

Recently when he has shared feelings and I have gotten upset, he has said "This is why I don't tell you things you just get upset so what's the point?" My rapid-fire response has been "I want you to share things with me but I need to be able to get upset if I feel that way or else I am just shutting down instead of you". Felt I was RIGHT to say that, but that doesn't mean it was totally right...

You WANT him to share his feelings with you, right? But then you shove his face in them (SEE, you still love OW and you don't like ME--that's what i heard in your email). You have every right to feel that way but to communicate that in that way is probably pushing him away. It may not seem fair but it is true.
I don"t know why I did that off the cuff. I guess I just want the validation. I hear you.

He didn't say you were boring. He said traveling like that can be boring. Maybe all he did was watch old Jerry Springer episodes in the hotel room--he doubts you want to hear about that! Or maybe the coworker/married guy DID go out and hook up with someone and spent the next evening drinking beer and telling H about it. Do you think he would want to SHARE that subject matter with you? After what you two have been through?

He is not a trip anymore with the guy...they are back at the AFB (so other guy has to go home to his W, while H stays at his aunts house where meals are available to him.

I am just saying on the boring part it doesn't mean you. H tells me all the time "It's not about you", and he is right to a certain extent however he is feeling at any given moment I often assume he feels that way b/c of me. Even though we wish we were, I am sure we are not THAT all-consuming to our husbands...

I feel like I am writing this post to myself as much as to you, hope that is okay...I am just saying that if you panic and fire off long emails whenever H tells you something, he will back away from your drama (Unfortunately I know this from experience)
That's why i called on my like minded friends to hit me with the 2x4's

In fact your H even said,
I think sometimes when you get a little crazy...it makes me think....Jesus...I'm right back in it again
I too feel like I am right back at it before the B, me sensing something is amiss and questioning it and him denying... that's my desperation. I should have learned now that doesn't work
and he said
please try to be objective and please don't pick apart the words I used or anything, just try to understand the intent of the whole thing.

I hear a lot of ME in your posts to your H. From what I read you did kind of pick out the parts of what he said and give them back to him and tell him what was 'wrong' about them...

Please understand I am not trying to pick on you but to show you what I "See" that i have done that did NOT help my situation.

I don't feel your picking on me at all and I did pick and choose the bad parts because my radar is up. I appreciate your advice

In your latest response you were all anger and defensiveness. You TOLD HIM that he thought you were boring. I used to think for my H too but it didn't get me anywhere...
I was and I am but I will quelch it

I would acknowledge that he shared his feelings, thank him for being open with you. And then if you want to address your fears, I would not TELL him that he doesn't love you except as an obligation.

I might say, "H, from your reply it sounded to me like you want to do your duty and love and take care of me. To me I didn't hear that you love me just because I am me and you want me for your wife. It would mean a lot if you could tell me that you DO still want me, just because you do not for obligation" something like that.
[color:#3333FFDo you/ya'll think I should send another email like the one above or let it die? [/color]

Maybe I am just rambling. I just know anytime I told H what I thought he was thinking and took his responses to me line by line and gave him a rebuttal, he backed off from sharing with me for quite awhile and shut down again.
Great, I am sure that's what will happen. We will ignore the elephant until it surfaces againl. I just need to ignore the elephant even if it surfaces
Take care I will check on you later

[BobbiJo]

Hey girl I wasn't trying to discourage you! Sorry if I did. I just meant that you ought to re-read what he said about just listening to him (or his emails) and not picking them apart and debating them...

That is where you can get ahead next time, if/when he shares with you, try to just look at what he is saying and how he is feeling about things. The big goal when I went to Retrouvaille was to seek to understand the feelings of the other person. In fact when we 'dialogued' we were not allowed to challenge what the other person said or put our spin on it. Our job was to kind of repeat back to the other person what they had just shared with us, and to ask them if we understood what they meant.

So for example on the boring part, you might say, "So what I heard you saying is that you are not doing anything exciting on this trip so if you don't have something interesting to share with me, I should not take it personally, do I understand what you were saying?" or something like that.

Some times it is easy, sometimes it is hard. Like when I said to my h, "So what you are saying is that you do love me and always will, but at this point you are extremely uncomfortable around me and cannot live with me?" I did not like that he felt that way, I did not understand HOW he could feel that way when in my eyes I have tried to do all and be all he could want.

I had the option of saying "Seriously, after all I have done and tried to do, and after all you have done to ME, YOU are uncomfortable with ME? Seriously?"
But instead I said, "If you feel uncomfortable around me and don't know how to let go of resentments, then at this point I can see how you wouldn't want to live with me." Didn't mean I agreed or thought it was fair, but it meant I was listening to him. Sometimes they just want to be heard, like we do...

[sandycay]

Hi Sandy

I hope you are having a nice day.

I just skimmed over your last posts enough to agree with SC about the chasing your tails.

IMO (and I am sure in hindsight U probably see it now) that response to his EM should NEVER have been sent by you. It was very deconstructive. By all means have the feelings (ha ha ...cuz we can't stop ourselves from that) but sometimes the best option when it comes to effective communication is to stay in "listening" mode (80 % of communication from what I am told) and thereby leave a bunch of those thoughts (sometimes poisonous one's) unsaid. Roger that
That's enough 2X4 ...you probably agree ..lol.
Please I think I need a 6x8 by now (do they make those?)
On the whole you are doing great. Much of that is due to sheer persistence and dedication to your goal. Something that I wish a lot more people had when it comes to M :(.

Stay firmly attached to our Almighty God and to those DB principles. Bring glory to His name ..now and always
I will do my best


T

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[sandy]]]

Are we on for tomorrow?

[sandycay]

Hey girl I wasn't trying to discourage you! Sorry if I did. You didn't it was said out of tongue-n-cheek. I just meant that you ought to re-read what he said about just listening to him (or his emails) and not picking them apart and debating them...

That is where you can get ahead next time, if/when he shares with you, try to just look at what he is saying and how he is feeling about things. The big goal when I went to Retrouvaille was to seek to understand the feelings of the other person. In fact when we 'dialogued' we were not allowed to challenge what
the other person said or put our spin on it. Our job was to kind of repeat back to the other person what they had just shared with us, and to ask them if we understood what they meant.

So for example on the boring part, you might say, "So what I heard you saying is that you are not doing anything exciting on this trip so if you don't have something interesting to share with me, I should not take it personally, do I understand what you were saying?" or something like that.
I like that and will work on that
Some times it is easy, sometimes it is hard. Like when I said to my h, "So what you are saying is that you do love me and always will, but at this point you are extremely uncomfortable around me and cannot live with me?" I did not like that he felt that way, I did not understand HOW he could feel that way when in my eyes I have tried to do all and be all he could want.

I had the option of saying "Seriously, after all I have done and tried to do, and after all you have done to ME, YOU are uncomfortable with ME? Seriously?"
But instead I said, "If you feel uncomfortable around me and don't know how to let go of resentments, then at this point I can see how you wouldn't want to live with me." Didn't mean I agreed or thought it was fair, but it meant I was listening to him. Sometimes they just want to be heard, like we do...

Well, I kept it all up beat today on the phone when he called or text. I did not initiate any of those and he didn't say anything at all about the email so I'll let it go, ..

[sandycay]

I'm think yes, I'll call you tomorrow

[Tomato]

hi sandy

just shootin by to spread a little sun and brightness. The Lord has been making me feel that way and He will for you to.

If you are not feeling it then surrender more of yourself to Him and you surely will. He is H # 1 and there is no wiser investment that a person can make in life then to place all there 'chips' with Him.

Also I backtracked a little more just now and so your longish letter to H (the one that you said that he missed/skipped over stuff when he replied back).

I kind of gave myself away there (longish), but us guys tend not to process a letter that is of that caliber and heavily laden with emotion. So it is not in the least bit shocking that you felt let down when his reply seemed to skip over chunks of what you were trying to get out. If at all possible try and bounce future correspondence to him off of one of us guys floating around here so that you message can be tailored to achieve the best success possible ..prior to sending it. OK?

SLow and steady with this day and I hope it is going real well and that you are using the Lord for the ultimate protector that He is.

Peace, blessing & prayers.


T

[sandycay]

I'll keep that in mind T. I will ask you then should I ask him or email him about the parts that he over looked in the letter. He only commented on the unimportant part... I don't do good with the elephant in the room... it starts to stink after awhile...

[dl443322]

Hey S, just my opinion, but I think your h didnt address those parts because he didnt want to.

Really I dont think you should write him. You are just spinning your wheels and you are not going to get anywhere. He knows how you feel, he knows how he feels.

Writing it is not going to fix it. I think your h is not cooked all the way yet. I think you need to pull back a bit and go a little dim, just my opinion, and really what the heck do I know.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, sandy!

See ya' tonight?? I could use a drink!!

(((((hugs)))))