My fiance and I have been having so much trouble for several months, with fighting and general crabbiness, etc. But underneath it all, we both always know how much love is there, and neither of us wants to give up. We just don't know how to navigate around both of our very strong personalities effectively, so we end up on each other's toes very often.
We got to a point of nearly breaking up, though. And at first, we both felt like we were going to die, because we just don't want to break up. But it was something we both had to face head on and be mature enough to handle it if it came to that. In retrospect, going through the exercise of accepting a break up if it came to that, actually helped us. It made us step back and begin working on our friendship again, because we knew we would need those skills in play if we had to divvy up our stuff and move apart from each other.
Also it just helped us to step back from our co-dependancy and realize, we really are separate people and we have to stand on our own two feet as individuals before we can be good partners to each other.
We stopped going to counseling. It may seem weird but, I knew that we needed to step back and do a lot more WORK on US at home, before just talking more in the counselor's office. We kept having nothing new to report in counseling, and that was when I knew that we needed to do some home work.
Over the past couple of weeks, I personally have done all the work I could....mostly in the form of really forcing myself to not start fights or be baited into them, and learning how to accomplish this. I got a long series of CD's of an audio book on just this subject and put the exercises into practice.
Then...I just prayed, very earnestly, for several weeks. I prayed for help for us to fix our problems, but if we couldn't, I prayed for the strength to end things.
Everything slowly began getting better...culminating into this weekend, which was a huge success and breakthrough for us.
We spent a night out of town (again due to my house being uninhabitable due to remodeling). On that one night we spent at least 4 hours reconnecting and working on relationship issues (reading the 7 princpals book together, doing an emotional needs questionaire together and sharing our answers, and just talking about the reasons we are having such trouble with fights honestly and kindly). Then we spent another 8 hours on each other's bodies in a sexual manner.
For those of you who may be new to my thread/sitch, 8 hour sex marathons are not unusual for us. In fact, when we don't get to do this frequently, we both start feeling the loss and it affects our daily lives. It is harder on me when we are missing out on this, because he is much more self-assured and mature about sex than I am. I have been much more needy about it during our relationship....mostly due to my previous sex-starved marriage and my own issues. He has always been confident and self-assured and he doesn't worry the issue if we are not quite up to speed....but at the same time, he does miss it when we can't have our really ROCKIN' sex marathons....it recharges him in a way nothing else can.
So the end result of the weekend was:
*We reconnected on every level *We discussed very important issues in our communication problems *We made a re-commitment toward each other and the relationship
I still don't plan to go back to counseling just yet. We have some more work to do until there is any kind of update to give her. And he still needs to finish reading the 7 principals book (which she recommended, although it had already been recommended to me by Bagheera).
And then finally....my house....
We are very close, like within 3 weeks, of it being "almost" finished. But this point of "almost" finished will be a real turning point for us. We will each have some separate space FINALLY, and he will have his own "man room" where he can set up his huge TV. Not having his huge TV for over 2 years now (since he moved in with me) has been a big problem for him. He doesn't feel he has that "escape cave" he really needs for his own masculine recharging. He has his shop, but it isn't the same. And for me, I need a place to meditate, pray and study in quiet without being interupted. Right now, I don't have that place, but in the next 3 weeks, I will! Not having separate space to do our owns things has been a real problem for us....so I'm willing to set aside most of the relationship work we need to complete until we complete this phase of the remodel....we really need it.
Plus its just beautiful! My house seems to be standing up straighter with pride!
For the first time in months, I feel I can see light at the end of this tunnel, and that the light has us still together instead of ending up apart.
Still, we will be selling the house (or trying to) and that will be its own whole new phase in our lives....but between now and then, I just can't wait to enjoy our separate spaces in my house, and we are happily moving back toward our usual 8 hour weekly sex marathons. Hurrah!
That's my story for today....thankfully, it is a great one!
