Decided to start a new thread since it seems the D proceedings are starting to move forward. Will continue to journal on my Just because I'm losing... thread. Just could use some advice here as it seems we're coming down to the final months.
We've been in limbo since the bomb last May and W's new job (SAHM for 9 years before) has made the D more feasible. W saw a L in January and this morning she told me on the phone that "we still need to talk." She called a mediator and now wants to talk about it. She said it's been hard to talk at home - with the kids around. I went to a private phone at work and gave her a call back. We talked for 15 minutes about what she learned from the mediator and then agreed to meet for lunch today.
I asked her is she was alright and she said she was just sad. I agreed. She said she is just angry that nothing is changing. I asked what she meant. She said she's just tired of being in limbo. I asked her is she was angry at me, she said no, angry at herself. She said she feels like she is holding me back and keeping the kids in limbo. I asked her if she wanted to talk to a IC, she said not at this time.
I plan to go into this process with no resistance, whatsoever, and show her empathy where I can. No agenda, but to keep the kids first in mind, and be fair about a settlement. Any advice would be appreciated.
Met W for lunch to discuss the D. I remained very calm, listened and stayed on subject. We talked about mediation and the need for a L to review. She has to talk to a L to see if he can review for us or whether I will need representation. Have to admit ignorance in this area, but will read up tonight as I am traveling on business.
Talked vaguely about dividing assets, support income and kids arrangement. She brought up how she felt horrible throughout this process and how everyone is going to look at her when she walks away. I told her that she was just doing what is right for her and most of our siblings are on second marriages anyway.
She repeated what she had said before about really wanting to try all along in this process, but the feelings aren't there. She said she had read books and researched for a solution (unbeknownst by me), but all her efforts did not result in the return of her feelings. She said that even with the thought of being alone so scary, and the toll on the kids, she just couldn't get the feelings back.
It ended on a loving note. Her telling me that she hopes we can remain great friends and me telling her that I was grateful for her coming into my life, sharing our marriage together and creating three beautiful children.
I have to process this discussion more in my mind.
Spent lunch going over a couple of D books that I had bought, but not opened, days after the bomb last May. Really depressing when I think of the end result or at least the process of diveying things up and figuring how the kids' sharing will work.
Have felt really strong the last couple of months, but feel quezzy about this whole process. Meeting with my DB coach tomorrow so it should be an interesting call. It's been challenging enough to stay on the DB track while in limbo, this is going to be a whole new ball game.
In the end, I'm up for the challenge. Still believe in the marriage and my wife. Will go with the flow, be loving, keep the kids' interest in mind and go for my fair share of things.
I still believe in miracles. Still believe in love and admire my W.
Talked to DB coach today about the latest development - W contacting L and Mediator. I asked about how to focus on the D, myself (for kids and my financial health reasons), and still keep the hope alive for a miracle. Even though I've written a lot about "accepting" my W's decision of the D, I see now, that I am still resisting at some level. She advised me to not resist - as my W could view my resistance as an old pattern of controlling her.
She also advised to still show love, but more as a friend - like what we might become. Take all pressure off and don't ask for anything like one-on-one time or ML (Sandi, you were right on). And to keep working on me, me and me.
The road is long, but I know I can make it to the end - in one piece, and even as a better man and dad.
Wow! I'm in a fairly similar situation as you, but still unsure which direction it is headed. I wish I could muster the positive attitude, grace and acceptance you seem to have in your situation. I'm not sure I could feel friendship and love for my wife during a divorce in my present state of mind.
You're right though, life is good, and I also believe miracles are possible.
Thanks for stopping by and your comments. I've read of your thread and will jump in on your sitch when I can read some more.
My PMA, grace and acceptance is work in progress. Some days are better the others. Connecting and reading here, as well as a DB coach (though expensive) has helped a lot. Also, for me, recently "reading" (audiobook) "co-dependence no more" helped me a ton. It applied much to me in my M and in other areas of my life. It also talks a lot on GALing and Detaching, which is so needed in our sitches.
I'm definitely with you NM - except W fights every day to justify an affair. You have a great opportunity in my opinion in that your W is "open" - if you believe she is being honest about just not finding feelings, then that is a huge opening.
I'm the opposite - my W crushed her feelings even though she had them! However, you wouldn't believe how many SAHMs have this happen. My W was the same for 7 years - everything she could ever want - but it didn't "fulfill" her. She used to love being a wife and mother, and I got her as much as I could.
If I had any advice, I would say just be fun and funny. Put a smile on your face even if you feel like your cheeks will crack. Think back to when you started dating, what she liked - but ONLY from a conversational standpoint. Think about what kind of stuff she likes to do, and ask about it.
You may already do all of this, but I'll repeat it again: Keep it light, conversational - but not mushy and romantic. Do NOT walk around moping. I have lost 30 pounds, got new clothes, a new haircut, and when W drops off my kids (we're separated) I fling open the door, and grin and hug them. We're only together at S6's basketball practice, but the whole time I focus on S6, and cheer him on, and laugh, and talk to people (I'm on last resort - so I don't talk to W) Also, D8 will come over and jump in my lap and hug and kiss me, and just talk like crazy. W NEVER sees me not smiling and laughing, and joking around.
In your situation, you can actually involve W with that. I did a spectacular job of that if I do say so myself, and it's the reason that W didn't divorce me immediately almost 2 years ago. We started with her hating my guts, and ended up being pretty good friends before she started her affair. If that hadn't happened, I believe we would be on the mend right now.
I have sort of rambled, but let me say this in closing: the MOST important thing you can do is let go. I couldn't do it. I look back, and I see times where I did let go a little, and W responded EVERY time.
Do it - it will feel like your heart is being ripped out through a sieve, but it'll work!
W and I talked this morning over coffee. Normal talk on the kids, but then she mentioned she had talked to a real estate agent about some nearby housing that she could afford. I took it in total stride, just listening. Then she started telling me about how her new job (sales) was getting very hard - she said the hardest thing that she's ever had to do. I just listened. She said she is just so stressed out right now - that she is waking up in the middle of the night, heart rate up, and body clenched. That she was feeling tired and she also has a cold. That she hasn't been able to run outside, and running has been a major de-stressor the last couple of years. I asked her if she could get a run in today or tomorrow and she thought she could. I empathized with her and asked her if she should go get a massage and she said she was actually thinking about it.
I'm sure the D is adding to her stress, but I did not, and will not, make that connection. I'm done talking about the hows and whys of the D, and focusing on the when and what after (for me).
Felt good. Felt different. Need to go workout today and take care of me.
I started with a DB coach about a month ago and agree it is well worth the money. She has helped me to see that there have been a number of positive developments. She has also helped me understand that at this stage of the game, it really does have to be all about my wife, so like you, I focus on being as supportive as I can in all situations.
Have a good workout. I always feel so much better after mine, no matter how down I felt going in. I just finished reading about your sitch, and you really seem to have it together pretty well. Take care,
Thanks for stopping by and offering your advice. I have checked out some of your thread and it seems like you have done very well overall. I think I have it much "easier" that any of you that have had to contend with an OM. I'm 99% sure that there has been no OM in my sitch. Like you can relate to, my W was a "worn out (SAHM) lost identity WAW". She loved being a SAHM, but deep down missed her career.
I really shouldn't be so trivial to label her as I did plenty along the way to distinguish the feelings - mainly through an unpassionate M, me not taking care of and loving myself, having my own interests and not being supportive enough, at times.
My only complaint in the sitch was that my mife didn't tell me she was "unhappy" till she was check-out and no MC or me working on myself would help her come back.
I thought I really let go a month or two ago, especially after reading "co-dependence no more". Then, over the last couple of weeks, the W contacted a L and a mediator, and I realized that there is no turning back for her. Kind of gave me a shock, but after a few days of it sinking in and talking through it here and with my DB coach, I feel like I ready to check out myself.
I'll still be loving, and attentive, but am done pursuing. And I have no interest in moping or getting down on myself. I'm at the point now, if she wants to move on, then I'll, also, get to move on. I still believe in her, but also believe in me if she doesn't turn around and come back.
